Enter vomit [here]...

So here's a post that I never really finished...it's more of an unfinished thought than a complete post...I'm trying to make up for the lack of posts so I'm gonna give you every incomplete thought I can incompletely think of.

Pet Nicknames

Names that you give your partner/spouse/significant other.  Where do I start with this...I just don't like them.  To clarify, I don't mind the actual act of giving them a nickname, I mind it when it is used publicly, for the world to hear - whether we want to or not.  Posting things about your "schmoopy woopy" on FaceHook as a "personal message" is...how do I put this lightly...repulsive?  Like many of my other pet peeves, I'm not exactly sure why I dislike it, the simple fact is that I do.  I've compiled a list of nicknames and rated them on a scale of 1 to 10.  1 being the least annoying and therefore, ok to use and 10 being the most nauseating nickname ever.  If you should find yourself using these nicknames within earshot of another human being, better think twice and consider the company and take note if someone gags &/or throws up in their mouth (or on your shoe) - it might be me.

hun - 1 it's a normal nickname.  It kind of comes out involuntarily.

hunny - 2  again, normal.

babe - 5 is appropriate in some occasions.

sugar - 6 how sweet.

buttercup - 7 no thanks.

boo - 7 pretty irritating.

baby - 8 not in public.

baby doll - 8 not so cute.

hunny bunny - 8 sick.  If you call me this, I might have to kick you.

munchkin - 8 only cute for kids. 

cupcake - 8 again, only cute for kids.

baby cakes - 9 doesn't make any sense!

snookums - 9 gross.

sugar lips - 9 yuck.

pooh bear - 9 how do you say that without vomiting?

poopsy - 9 that's not even cute for a kid.

bubba - 10 not until recently did this nickname enter my radar and I gotta say...it's not cute unless it's in the privacy of your own home.  And even then, it's iffy.  Although, for kids, it's fine.

schmoopy - 10 why?

schmoopy woopy - 12 no.

I know this couple and they use one of the nicknames a lot.  I'm sure you can guess which one it is.  It's pretty deeee-sgusting.  They're the kind of couple that likes to flaunt their relationship.  I'm not sure if it's to mask the fact that their relationship is far less than perfect (I've heard things).  I guess that's fine - they're in love, we get it.  I really just kind of wish I never noticed their PDA because it probably wouldn't bug me as much if I didn't bring it to my own attention but I don't have a time machine.     

Dear Unsatisfied Customer

[In response to previous post below]

Snee Zee Allergy, Inc.

4637 Pollen Lane

Grassville, Oklahoma

May 21, 2010

K. Bandit

Unknown Address

Dear Unsatisfied Customer:

We are committed to making you, the consumer, feel as though you are our number one priority.  It is our job to invade your system and create runny noses, itchy eyes and nasal congestion.  Without our services, you might actually enjoy the Spring and Summer seasons and this is against everything we believe in; we simply cannot allow it.  

We are unclear as to how you slipped past our radar for 26 years, but we can assure you, we have our best and brightest looking into it.  Do not fret - we will make up for lost time.  And to show that we mean business, we'll throw in some sinus pressure for good measure!

We hope to keep your business as long as possible.  As our dedicated staff works day and night to make sure you're as uncomfortable as you can possibly be, please help yourself to free samples of conjunctivitis [limit 2 per customer].

 Sincerly,

Team Allergene

Bringing you allergies since the dawn of time.

Dear Mr. Allergy

Ding Ding

FIGHT!

So the time is drawing closer.  I'm about to embark on another attempt at getting my Master's degree...  This aint no joke folks;  I'm for the reals gonna do it.  Now, whether I finish or not is as yet to be determined.

It seems as though grad school aint all bananas and dancing as one would be led to believe. [Quote is Trademarked and property of Boomerang Bandits.  It is not to be used by any persons not affiliated with the Boomerang Bandits Brand.]

If you're thinking about continuing your education, be S-M-R-T about it and consider your options.  Learn from my mistakes...

If you're burnt out from 4 (or 5) years of undergraduate...probably isn't a great idea to dive right into another 1 - 3 more years of school (depending on the intensity of your degree/program).  It'll drain your already dead battery beyond repair.

Do your research good and hard before considering what school you want.  Spare no expense!  You could end up in Clown University where you're taught by baboons and you're surrounded by No Talent Ass Clowns.  Witness the drawing below which I actually drew IN class WHILST surrounded by clowns as Professor Bananas attempted to explain various species of wood -- quite enthusiastically, I might add.

Any way you slice it, it's going to cost a fortune to become a "master" in your field.  Either find a company willing to foot the bill with you OR find the most expensive program you can find and take out the max student loans as possible.  SIMPLE LOGIC!  If you're going to go, might as well go for the best right?!? right? Ok so maybe it's faulty logic... When you're thinking about paying for school, paying for everything else never really enters your mind.  All you're concerned about is the Tuition.  But here comes Mr. Other Expenses waiting just around the corner ready to kick you square in the taco just as soon as you, yourself, have rounded said corner.  Oh Mr. M.O.E... I do hate you so.

Be for DAMN sure it is something you want to do before you go.  Because at the end of the day, when you're 46 years old and you've paid off only 40% of your student loans, if you're not doing what you've set out to do...you've just bought a house without actually buying a house.  I guess if this is the case, I'm the proud owner of a modest-sized fixer-upper and I'm lookin' to upgrade. 

There's a wee bit of positive in all of this though.  You not only walk away with a paper declaring your Mastery, you walk away with the shear satisfaction that you've completed (in my case) 23 YEARS of schooling.  All the projects, all the papers, all the sleepless nights, gallons upon gallons of soda and truck loads of Little Debbie snack cakes which you have convinced yourself is an honest meal - they have all lead to one moment of achievement.   You can take that tassle, show it who's boss and bring it on over to the other side with pride.  This is all good and well until you realize your loan statements are stalking you - ready to pounce once you think you're in the clear.  Not to worry though, I just read the Rules/Guidelines of mine and found out the following:

"Any debt not paid off after 25 years is forgiven"

Hells yeah!  You know what my first purchase will be if my student loans are forgiven?  A freakin' yacht!  A 50-ft, 3-story, gold-plated, diamond-encrusted yacht!

Of course, everyone's in a different situation - I can only speak from my experiences and what I have recently convinced myself as the only way to do it.  Aint no turnin' back.  I've made several deposits and several visits.  I even made it official and listed it on FaceHook...once it's on FH, it's for real.

I'm hoping I'll come up with great material in the years to come and I'll have this blog to share/vent.  My first round of grad school wasn't exactly a pleasant experience.  If we're speaking in Mortal Kombat fighting terms, as I'm pretty sure we have been, it was a K.O - Mortal Fatality.  It was a dazed-out spinning with birdies flying around my head, teeth on the floor, haven't even made a swing, KNOCK OUT.

 

AMAZING graphics!  I know!

I've always been good at repressing my memories and my brain, as backed up as it can get, is in the process of repressing round 1.  It was an all-around horrible experience for me.  Bad timing.  Bad Professors.  Bad Location.  Bad weather.  Bad company (with the exception of a few). Bad Financial Aid Advisor.   Bad program.  Baaaaad Baaaaad Baaaad 1st Semester Bill. Just...bad.

On that note, stay tuned for my adventures!  I'm sure there will be plenty to bitch about.

A Word from K Bandit

After our long, (unannounced) break, the Boomerang Bandits return with a word from our sponsor: the K Bandit.

The Brits

I have turned to the BBC since I have apparently exhausted my American TV options.  Pretty sad I know…  These shows are brass, honest and very sarcastic.  I have found a new love.  My favorite is the teen drama Skins.  I am also thoroughly enjoying Extras (with the Hilarious Ricky Gervais) and Doctor Who (A Sy Fy show that is made in the true SyFy fashion – with a great story lines, outrageous characters, and silly special effects).  From this exploration into this new entertainment venue, I have come to a very important conclusion.  The Brits have a much cooler vocabulary than we do.

My Favorites…

1.       Wanker – Why oh why do we not use this word in America.  It’s great!  You get to express the fact that this person is being a douche without sounding brass, using a body image (which us Americans so often turn to) or ignorant/offensive.

2.       Shag – I love how it rolls off of your tongue so nonchalantly and it is such a better way to express that action that they f-word.

3.       Splif – Just sounds better that joint.

4.       Flat – When you hear this word you automatically picture some cool studio loft in some awesome urban area.  What word do we use in its place: apartment.  The imagery that arises from this word is just not the same.

5.       Mate – “Me and by best mate are going out for some pints”.. Much cooler than “My friends and I are going out for some beers”.  No other explanation needed.

6.       Arse, Bum, Brilliant, Dodgy, Fancy, & Blimey  – Much more sophisticated  than our American Counter parts

7.       Bloody – This is a great accent word that the Brits tag onto anything to add a little umfff to their cursing or excitement.  Bloody Hell – freaking awesome.. I would love to use this but as an American without the cool accent I would probably sound silly.

Thank you youtube and BBC America (although sadly you edit it more than in the UK) for bringing these wonderful shows into my life.   

Signed,

TV, where are you!?!?

They say that ridding television from your life is supposed to be liberating...I say life without tv is not a life worth living.  Drastic?  Maybe.  I've been without tv for aboot 6 days and I'm literally going out of my mind.  What is there to do when you can't watch tv you ask?  Well since I haven't got a life, um...that'd be zilch.  Sure I could be a productive and contributing member of society, but where's the fun in that?  I want to be on my couch channel surfing until the sun comes up.  I want to know what the secret ingredient is on Iron Chef.  I want to watch half-wits try to answer "common knowledge" questions in the Cash Cab.  But how can I do this if I can't get no reception? 

I thank the big man upstairs for granting me with internet access because otherwise...who knows.  I've found a way to watch most of my shows online for free...I mean...I pay?  Anyways, the drawback is that I have to wait until the next day (or several hours later -ahhh agony!) to catch my shows.  Tonight is Thursday though and I'm sad that I won't be able to watch the lineup until tomorrow...why God? WHY?

Don't fret all, I'll live.  Those movie machines outside the grocery store are a God-send.  Over the past few days, I've watched Up in the Air, The Invention of Lying, 500 Days of Summer and Alice in Wonderland.  I suppose it's better than being completely cut off from technology but it's not as great as FRIENDS and Seinfeld repeats.  It's a bit of a stick in my spoke though because I've gotten used to watching (and falling asleep to) Roseanne and Buffy in the wee hours of the morning.  What's better than waking up in the middle of the night to Buffy's witty banter as she's kicking vampire ass?  Nothing.

Hilarious.  I miss that show...

I think we get our cable back tomorrow - life will resume as per usual.  In the meantime, I guess I'll have to settle for free Hulu shows with commercials - blah!  

And another pointless short post from C Bandit.

You're welcome.

21...20...19...18...

So, I haven't exactly been writing as often as I should but I'm almost positive that people read this blog about as often as there are posts (hint: rarely).  I'll keep this one short and simple - it's more or less a "status update" for FaceHook but since I can't go on there just yet, I'm doing it via this blog. 

 

Ahhhh!!! Lent officially ends on April 3rd.  April 3rd is officially 22 minutes away...  I only broke one of the three things that I gave up and that was purely accidental.

I have not had a drop of pop, nor have I been on Facehook for 44 days and counting.  Remember when I said that Lent was 40 days?  Yeah well, as I lost count of the days, I noticed my nifty counter has exceeded 40 days.  Guess what, they don't count Sundays.  BOOM!  And now you know.  I have to be honest though, I haven't missed FaceHook at all.  I'm going to check it tomorrow for good measure but I'll probably not check it as often. 

Candy and pop, on the other hand, I have missed dearly.  There are substitutes for candy like fruit snacks (some people consider that cheating but if you don't buy it from the candy aisle, I don't consider it cheating - "aint nothin' like the real thang baby") but there are no substitutes for pop.

Things to do tomorrow:

• Chug a 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper
• Purchase bags of Easter Candy and pretend they're for my children and their last-minute Easter Baskets.
• Makeout with FaceHook but tell him that it doesn't mean we're back together and I think we should just be distant acquaintances.

Check and Check!

I have a problem...

I'm ashamed to say that I think I have a problem.  It's a rising epidemic...I'm sure.  I know that there's a cure but, like many addicts, I refuse to seek treatment because I don't think the problem is that bad.  Ok, so I find every opportunity to get my latest installment, who doesn't?!?  I think about purchasing things all the time.  When I'm online, 7 times out of 10, I've got something in my shopping cart.  I've memorized my credit card number for faster transactions - don't you know yours?  So maybe I literally just bought something cool for my computer and a sleep therapy machine and maybe I randomly thought about buying an acoustic guitar for shits and giggs...and suddenly I'm thinking about buying a miniature dog...maybe my bank statement reads like a Dear Santa, please buy me unnecessary crap list...Yes...maybe I have a problem...I decided to google it and face the problem head on because you and I both know that there is a name for every disorder/addiction/phobia imaginable.  Facebook Addiction Disorder (FAD).  Genuphobia: Fear of knees. This particular disorder is called omniomania.  With further research, I found that there are support groups for such a disorder and yes, ironically, you can buy books on the issue.  But I took an online quiz and, as my fears surface, I'm happy to say, my problem isn't that bad (yet).

Do you quite often feel the urge to go shopping when you are low or depressed? 

nope - mostly when I'm bored.

Do you get high from shopping? 

not really, that costs extra.

Do you frequently walk away from a store with many more purchases than you had intended to make? 

yes - mostly when I go to Target.

Are your credit cards almost to their limit or maxed out? 

thankfully no.

Are you unable to resist a sale or bargain? 

it depends on the balance of my bank account

Do you ignore family or work responsibilities so you can go shopping? 

in the age of online shopping, I can multitask.

Do you try to hid your purchases or even lie about them to family and loved ones? 

sometimes...but I don't know why.

Do you buy a lot of things that you end up not even using? 

nope - everything is usually 1/2 way open as I'm leaving the store.

Do you leave price tags on items so you can turn around and return them? 

no, it takes time and energy to do that.

Do you feel a sense of guilt or shame after some of your shopping trips? 

not normally

Do you go on buying binges that you feel are beyond your control? 

no?

Do you quite often buy things that you know you cannot afford? 

not...often.

Are you unable to resist a sale or bargain? 

I think you already asked this question.

Would you rather shop than engage in other hobbies or recreational activities? 

sometimes - but I count shopping as a hobby.

When you buy for others do you always pick up a little something for yourself? 

of course.

Has your excessive shopping habits ever resulted in credit problems or even legal action? 

not yet.

Survey says...You scored 3.0 (scoring range: 0-15) 

"In answering "No" to most of these questions, it is unlikely that you have a shopping addiction."

The Adventures of C Bandit & the Infant

So watching a child is more difficult than it seems.  It's not like what you see on television.  You actually have to be responsible.  You have to feed them, clothe them, bathe them, entertain them.  It's very rewarding to put them down for the night knowing you achieved what needed to be done.

And the main events of the week of substitute-motherhood were as follows:

Monday

• (2) trips to the grocery store
• (1) trip to the car wash  

Tuesday

• (1) trip to the grocery store
• (1) dinner in crock pot
• (1) trip to the snow covered park on this balmy 54 degree day.
• Lock thyself and child out of house - CHECK ****
• (5) hrs until the dinner in crock pot burns.
• (1.5) hours walking around the house like a burglar, looking for unlocked windows/doors
• (10) Attempts to unlock the door using a trick that I thought I learned on Burn Notice but actually learned it on YouTube

• (10) Failed attempts and (1) bent key.
• (1) trip to McDonald's
• (8) calls & texts to people with access to a key or the number of someone with a key.
• (1) trip to Whole Foods to burn time.
• (1) refreshing 1.5 mi walk around the block (yes, that's about all I can handle before deeming a walk unwalkable.)
• (1) little boy's nap schedule completely thrown off by the days events.

****  [Due to the simple fact that I watch more than the doctor recommended amount of Law & Order: SVU, I have become an increasingly paranoid person.  8 out of 10 shows display some form of B & E (breaking and entering) and I don't really want to become a victim to that so I lock an unnecessary amount of doors thinking I'm going to prevent it from happening.  Also, in addition to my paranoia, with the lack of adult supervision this week, you'd better believe I would go to the extremes of placing large furniture and/or mattresses in front of the entrances.  Needless to say, I locked a door that I forgot to unlock upon exiting said door...]

Wednesday

• (1) morning nap
• (1) trip to the mall.  Destination: food court play area.
• (10) glances from surrounding mothers which I can only assume they are thinking, "No ring and a baby...that 15yr old girl really screwed up."
• (1) bored baby

Thursday

• a whole lot of nothing.
• (1) unscheduled diaper rash

Friday

• (1) morning nap
• (1) trip to Meijer's for diaper rash medicine
• (1) cart full of random things 
• (1) trip home with random things
• (1) bag full of random things but no diaper rash medicine because apparently I forgot what the purpose of the trip was...

Saturday

• (5) hours of finding a way to waste time after getting kicked out of the house from future tenants.
• (10) jelly beans until I realized I gave up candy for lent...

This week has been interesting and surprisingly relaxing.  I used to want three or four kids and then recently, none.  But I think I could handle one child.  The hours aren't favorable but it's worth it right?

Anyways, I learned a few things this week:

1. ALWAYS, always, always check the doors or get a hide-a-key so as not to lock myself out of the house.
2. Make a list of things to get when going to the store - especially when you're planning on getting something specific.
3. Babies don't like sitting in shopping carts for long periods of time.

Let's Make a Deal

"I've got to buy a laptop."

"No really, I've got to buy a laptop...this is becoming ridiculous."

This was actually my conversation that I have been having with myself over the last couple months about my desperate need for a laptop. I have been using my desktop which is slower than a mouse on weed and my Iphone which I'm pretty sure is the crappiest way to view webpages ever. I set off to the stores to compare prices. I saw some that were way too small for what I needed them for. Others were too large, and some were just bulky. I explained to the tech guru who worked at the electronics store that I needed it for a specific reason. I told her I need it to be fast. I need it to store pictures and music and be very reliable. I also mentioned it needed to be somewhat portable and good on battery life. After a few choices were dangled in front of my eyes I decided on one winner.

I did it. I bought it. Behold...the convenience of...a laptop.

C Bandit urged me over the years to join her in the new millenium to which I simply scoffed and saved my pennies and enjoyed the savings accrue in my far away retirement fund. To me it was a frivolous expenditure. If I already had a desktop computer why do I need another one? Recently, however, I came to the conclusion that for one very good reason I do in fact need to buy a laptop. If not for this blog for a very special reason.




My name is Ebandit and I am an online dater.



It's true I need it for a more convenient way to online date. I have been venturing into the online dating galaxy, p.s. don't assume that there's any intelligent life in this galaxy, on and off for a while now. I've had Mr. Pink and Smelly Jersey Pushover boy and now I am looking for my next blog's material. Each dating experience becomes more hilarious and more worthy of blog posting. But to reel in this goldmine of material; in order to write these phenominal, hilarious, brilliant blogs; I must acquire the right equipment. Cue: the new accessory to Ebandit, the new laptop.








So readers...on I go into the dating galaxy in order to rustle up more hilarious stories for your entertainment.








C U L8R...E bAnDiT

Baby think it over

Remember those baby dolls from health class?  Those "infant simulators" that they send home with you for a week to simulate taking care of a child?  Well I'm about to encounter the real deal y'all.  If I hadn't told you already, I'm currently a nanny for my three nephews; ages 4, 3 and 16mths.  Let me just tell you that boys...wow...it's like they're jacked up on Mountain Dew 24/7 - but not in the good way.  Anyways, the two older boys have the privilege of taking a journey to the magic that is Disney World next week.  The youngest, because of his nap schedule and the fact that these three kids need man-to-man coverage, will be in my custody for the week.

First off, let me just say that the youngest, in comparison to the other two, is the easiest kid to take care of by a mile.  I don't know what it is about boys but it seems that, with the older two, when you put them in a room together, it's like mixing oil and water, cats and dogs, aluminum foil and a microwave...they just function better separately.  I guess that's normal but it's not easy to deal with when they have selective hearing or just down right don't listen to you.  So, as you can imagine, a week of not watching them is one less week of headaches.  Don't get me wrong, I love them but they really test my patience to no end.

Back to the point - next week, I'm going to turn in my, "24 going on 15" t-shirt and put on the "24 going on 30(ish)" cardigan.  Not that I think you have to be 30 to have a kid, but on the track I've chosen to take, I'll be lucky if I'm 30 when (and if) I have a child.  I mean, let's face it, when I buy clothes, I'm not exactly playing my age.  I can't help that I likes me the tshirts and the tenni's.  In addition to not dressing my age, I enjoy questionable books, movies and television shows for a girl my age: Confessions of a Shopaholic, She's the Man, and That's So Raven, respectively.  But I digress.  The point that I'm trying to make is that I'm far from being at that point in my life where I believe I can be considered an "adult."  So when I tell you that next week will be a true test for me, it really will be.  I watch these kids on a daily basis but I always have that safety net of knowing their parents are in the other room if I should need assistance.  It's not like someone asked me to water their plants while they're out of town.  I'm going to be looking after a living, breathing human being.  From sun up to sun down, I will have to look after him.

I don't really know what we're going to do during the week.

I would imagine we'll be shopping often.

Probably play outside if it's nice.

Maybe watch a talkie or two.

Who knows?!?  Stay tuned for the adventures of C Bandit and "the infant"

Olympic Gold

I've never really been a huge fan of the Olympics - Summer or Winter.  I vaguely remember watching them as a child, but I don't think I invested more than an hour to watching them.  Although, I do recall being partial to the figure skating back when good ol' Scott Hamilton, Bryan Boitano and Kristi Yamaguchi were wowing the world with their triple axels and their back flips.  My active duty as an American to watch the games thereafter, however, dropped off over the years to a shameful zero hours of logged viewing time.

There's something different about the 2008 Summer Olympics and the 2010 Winter Olympics though.  I have a theory - I think the Olympic Committee had a global pow-wow and decided they needed to get good looking athletes in order to draw in more viewers.  This is the only conclusion I've come up with.  I mean, can you think of a better explanation??  The ratings for the games have gone through the roof.  It could be because they've been playing nonstop Olympic coverage on NBC, CNBC, MSNBC and even on the USA Network.  They pretty much force you to watch the games much like they force you to watch coverage of the Presidential Address as they hijack everything from NBC to QVC.

But never have I ever watched as much curling as I have these past two weeks.  As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever, in my 24 years of life, watched a round...or game...or match?  of curling.  And guess what - it's kind of amazing.  Curling puts Ice Dancing to shame.  It's like a combination of bocce ball and darts on ice (with brooms).  I never really thought I would find myself gasping in astonishment as I watch a game of curling but I did last night when I watched the Canadian women lose to Sweden.  That was intense!  Not quite as intense as watching 80 yr. old Brett Favre throw his shot at the Superbowl away in the game of his lifetime, but nevertheless, it was an intense match.  Now, I don't really know anything about the rules of the game but in my opinion, the men play with a lot more strategy than the women do and therefore, it is more interesting to watch the men's curling.  Let's not forget about my theory of good looking athletes.  Check it out the curlers:

Other Sports:

Looking at this fine panel of athletes I say, not bad, not bad at all.  We should have the Olympics more often.  Am I right, am I right?  Searching on the NBC Olympic site for athletes to put in this post felt like I was searching through Match.com candidates.  More importantly, I have discovered that all of these men that I have selected have their hair styled very similarly...is that odd?

Anyways, I guess the moral of the story is to say that there's a lot more to the Winter Olympics than one would think.  Skill, Speed, and Experience aside, there are a lot of good lookin' athletes underneath those layers of lycra.

THISSSS....is AmERiCAN Idol.

Ok so if I don't know if I've addressed it yet but I'm very much against reality shows.  The "Real" World, The Hills, Jersey Shore, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Kardashians, yada yada yada, you name it, chances are, I do everything in my power to avoid watching or hearing about these, so-called, reality shows.  I don't understand, after all these years, why society is so fascinated by most of these shows.  HOWEVER, I'm a bit of a hypocrite in that I have made some exceptions and allowed some reality-esque shows to seep into my list of DVR'd shows.  And the shows are as follows: 

• Man vs. Wild  I'm actually not sure if this is considered a reality show because it's not what comes to mind when you think of a reality show right?  But it's not scripted...so I'm going to call it a reality show.  Who wouldn't want to watch Bear Grylls eat nasty things, climb down a gushing waterfall and carve out the innards of a rotting camel for shelter?!?  I'm going to be SO prepared if ever I find myself stranded in the Sahara.

• Bizarre Foods Again, virtually unscripted and borderline-reality depending on your definition of a reality show.  And again, watching a man eat nasty things that most of the world wouldn't dare touch is just amusing.  I'm an oddly queasy person and often happen to be watching this show as I am eating but I still enjoy it.  That man really likes ears...it's a little disturbing. 

• Project Runway I have my Winter in Orlando to thank for hooking me.  One incredibly boring weekend and a chance channel flip to Bravo landed me on a PR Marathon of the century.  It had to be a good 20-hour marathon (if not longer) and I didn't miss a minute of it.  If I had a dollar for every time a male designer cried on that show, I would be rich!

• American Idol I have to admit, I used to hate AI for the shear fact that it was a reality show but, after years of having it on in the background whilst pretending to study and having it on my trusty DVR, I can attribute this newly found addiction to my old roommate.  Thanks.  I've technically only seen one entire season which was last season.  I'm working on season numero 2 which is really season number 9...I have to say, the auditions are amazingly entertaining.  But with Simon gone next season, I'm almost positive this show is done for.  In the meantime though, I'm actually watching the first results show as I type this post and I have to add that the group sing-along songs that they do to kill time are hilarious and cheesy.  I'm not really that impressed with the first round of performances but since it makes my stomach turn just thinking about performing in general, I have to hand it to them, some of them can really belt one out.  With that said, I thought I would try a little predictory and name my fav and non-fav contestants.

GIRLS

 Crystal Bowersox - very talented instrumentally and vocally.

Hayley Vaughn - very annoying - got to go.

GUYS

Andrew Garcia - I youtube'd his Straight Up rendition and I'm a huge fan of his funky remixes.  

Also, I can't help but notice his neck tatt - very classy.

Tyler Grady - I don't know what it is about this guy but he bugs me. 

[and...poo...before I finished this post, he was kicked off.]

So, there you have it.  These are my predictions and so far one has already come true.  The top guy and top girl though...it's going to be a tight race because I like them both equally.  I'm gonna pull for both of them until I lose a player.  Although it's still too early in the game to name a winner.

Fare thee well...

If you're Catholic, you're aware of the fact that Lent is upon us.  For those of you who aren't Catholic, shame shame and "Hey, guess what?  Lent is upon us."  Lent is a time for penitence, fasting, and sorrow.  (I did have to look that up...)  For 40 days (and 40 nights), we are asked to give up something that we do often and find pleasure in.  For example, giving up fast food.  I really don't think it's fair to give up something that is easy to give up - you're not tricking god...he is all knowing.  Every year, I tend to give up more than one thing because I have a lot of bad habits that I'd like to kick to the curb.  Let's get started.

1. You may have read about my abusive relationship with FaceHook and our painful breakup.  As you may have guessed, I've gone back him.  I let him lure me back in with his old tricks.  I see him many times a day out of boredom.  I am annoyed with him in every way, shape and form but yet I can't bring myself to leave his ass.  Well, lucky for me, I can use the trusty Lenten Season as an excuse to drop him.  Sorry FaceHook, it's been real.
   
   
2. Pop (otherwise known as Soda).  I can't deny it - I love pop.  An ice cold glass of Dr. Pepper is my kryptonite.  The way it burns when you drink it.  The fact that it's so dark that it cannot be good for you.  Hey, it was once used for medicinal purposes so it can't be that bad can it?  Anyways, it's not going to be easy.  I won't doubt that I'll go into convulsions in the middle of the night screaming for a glass of the DP...but I can do it...I can.
   
   
3. Candy...I think I'll miss you the most.  I'm an impulse buyer so when they put candy near the cash register, and I'm waiting in line at Target to purchase my usual basket of frivolous items like Beef Jerky, socks, and sharpies, Ima definitely add a king size Twix in the mix.  I don't think that giving up candy would be nearly as difficult if they didn't sell candy everywhere you look.  Gumball machines at the Dentist's office, Rack-o-candy at your local Pretty Beauty Nail Salon, candy aisle at Burlington Coat Factory...I mean, give me a break!  America, this is why we're fat!
   
   

So there you have it.  These are the 3 things that I've decided to give up for Lent 2010!  I must tell you though, I didn't think about it all by myself.  I kind of stole the idea to give up FaceHook when I went on FH today and someone else decided to do the same.  Genius I say.  

Now, Lent doesn't officially start until this Wednesday so, I'm going to gorge on Raisinetes, Milk Duds, Twix bars, Twizzlers and Charleston Chews whilst refreshing FaceHook every 2 mins. for the next 28hrs AND chugging 2 liter bottles (plural) of Dr. Pepper and A&W Creme Soda.  Check y'all later.

P.S.  I know what you're all thinking and that is that the cartoons included in this post are pointless and I could've just as easily gone on google images and snatched real images.  HOWEVER, I just got a new toy and I wanted to test it out.  Meet Mr. Bamboo.  Jealous?  Thought so.

Untitled Doodle

And the Award goes to...

In the midst of Hollywood Award Season, I can't help but favor the Grammys.  Sure the Golden Globes are okay.  The Academy Awards are entertaining.  But The Grammys take the cake.  It's a fun-loving, rockin' good time.  I watched the 2+hr show and I can honestly only remember maybe 5 awards given.  With an Award to Performance ratio of 1 to 5, you'd be crazy if you didn't watch it.  They know what the people want and what the people want are performances.  As I sat and watched said award show, I was envious of the audience.  I would kill to be in the sweaty-pit-screaming-teen-mosh pit.  So I got to thinkin', How does one score a ticket to THE Grammys?  First of all, I am clearly not the first person to Google the question.  Secondly, there's a section on the Grammy site dedicated to answering such inquiries and they were not the answers I wanted to hear.  However, my fellow bandit and I have devised a fool-proof plan:     

Grammys 2011

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A few days late but I’m watching the Grammys.  You’re right, the performances are crazy!  It’s more concert than an award show.  Let’s go next year!
               
 



Ok, how do we make that happen?
 


Probably going to have to sleep with a famous persons assistant…and since you’re married, I’ll take one for the team. 
                We can at least make sure it’s a COOL famous person’s assistant.
Definitely.  It says you have to be an associate or a voting member of the academy in order to buy tickets.  WTF?!?  In other words, it’s invitation only…
                How do we become voting members?
Hahaha I’m reading the qualifications and it’s not looking good…unless we can crank out a platinum album by November, not even a signed note from God would help us.  So…let’s get recording!
                What’s our genre?
I’m thinking we could create a new genre: hip-jazz-hop-pop
                Can you sing?  Because I can’t…might need to synthesize it.
I think we can pull a Milli-Vanilli.  How do you feel about that?
                I’m down.  When can we get studio time?
Let's make our own.  Egg cartons and Roxio Music Creator is all we need yo.
                Let's do it.
It’s a pretty elaborate scheme to get a ticket to the Grammys but it might be crazy enough to work.
                I can do a mean beat box.
Aww shit – all we need is a dancer and a singer and we have triple threat power!  I’m pretty sure I was a wizard on the ol’ triangle.  It’s all starting to come together.
                MORE COWBELL!!!  I know someone who can sing and play the guitar!
Yeah!  He can be the front-man and we can be the Doo Wop girls snapping our fingers and swaying in the background pretending to sing!

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Best idea ever.

Negative People Need Not Apply

Negative people need not apply to enter my life. Positivity has been proven to increase health, happiness, and quality of life. Having read so many articles on the importance of staying positive and keeping your vibrational frequencies high, I have chosen not to surround myself with negative people.

You know those people where nothing in the world can be right or good? Those people can stay on their own side of life and not encroach into mine. I have drawn the imaginary line in the sand and my side is full of peace signs, smiles, and glitter...the other side isn't so pretty.

Having prefaced with the above information, now I begin my tale of Negative Nancy.

Meet Nancy, she is never happy, nothing particularly horrible has ever happened to her, however, she is just all around miserable. Nancy has a good job, a clean and safe home, and a reliable car. Not to mention a family that cares about her. By my standards she is a very blessed woman. In Nancy's mind she is not.

Nancy sleeps in because she is depressed, wakes up late with a frown, and begrudgingly gets ready for work. As she progresses through her day she rarely smiles unless it is at the cost of others, which is her favorite hobby. She teases the unique, she teases the unfortunate, and she teases the blissfully happy because she cannot obtain that level of contentment. She shuffles through the day making her co-workers miserable, by now, most of them simply ignore her and exclude her as she is now called the little black raincloud of the office. At the end of her day she retires to her angry cave and focuses not on how to improve her life, but instead she dwells on her unhappiness. Woe is me is her mantra, and boy is she good at living it down.

My advice for Negative Nancy is to repose in the immediate as if it were infinity. Enjoy every breath, every day, and every person you meet who changes your path in life.

As I close I will leave all you blog followers with a lovely poem/mantra to have...

Now we are ready to look at something pretty special.
It is a duck riding the ocean a hundred feet beyond the surf,
And he cuddles in the swells.
There is a big heaving in the Atlantic.
And he is part of it.
He can rest while the Atlantic heaves, because he rests in the Atlantic.
Probably he doesn’t know how large the ocean is.
And neither do you.
But he realizes it.
And what does he do, I ask you.
He sits down in it.
He reposes in the immediate as if it were infinity – which it is.
That is religion, and the duck has it.
I like the little duck.
He doesn’t know much.
But he has religion.


~Peace and Positivity,~
~E-Bandit~

Amazing Alignments

And then I visited my chiropractor and all was right in the world again.





Two weeks ago I made the mistake of trying a challenging yoga position. I have been doing yoga for years, ever since I was around 15 years old and consider myself knowledgeable in this exercise. Not educated enough it seems, because side plank pose beat my butt, more specifically tore my back muscle surrounding my L1 and L2 disk in the middle of my back and popped a vertebrae out of alignment.

The night of the exercise, please note: My first time doing yoga in about one month, I felt a little out of shape, and stopped the yoga immediately, drank an enormous glass of water, and mentally berated myself for being so out of shape that I couldn't do yoga as normal. I went on with the night as any lazy person would do, movie, cleaning then reading before bed. The next morning, my back hated me, with a deep seeded passion. I could not move, breathe, or even scream in agony because every time I took a deep breath to scream it was debilitating. Behold my first torn muscle. I feel very blessed to have had most of the diseases/injuries that are normally held for the elderly at a very young age. Shingles age 18, bulged disk age 17, torn muscle age 26. I tell ya, I'm on a roll here.

After laying in bed for a half an hour trying to think of
1.) What I did to hurt myself so badly?
2.) How to get out of bed without passing out from pain?
3.) What will I do if I can't get out of bed all day today?

Realizing that I can pull a 'mind over matter' with the physical pain I got up slowly and had zen like concentration, found my phone, called some people for help and I was on my way into the shower to loosen my muscles and make myself ready for the chiropractor. I winced at every step but was a warrior, I admit I was pretty proud of myself. After showering and downing the legal limit of Aleve one could take at once I propped myself up on the couch, wrapped in my fluffy robe with dripping wet hair and evaluated the situation. I realized yoga was to blame and the sight of the Namaste Yoga DVD set laying on my TV set my heart a blaze with anger. I limped over to it and threw it on the ground, (hey I needed some emotional drugs too and this was exactly it).

I carefully dried my hair with a towel and put on the most comfortable pair of jeans and top I could find that would let me go braless, I don't do bras when I have spine pain-it's total BS.

My ride arrived to my place and helped me in the car, we made our way to the chiropractor and I shook my head every so often in disbelief of my new and fabulous injury. The chiropractor welcomed me and informed me I had torn my muscle, and a vertebrae out of place in the same area where I had a chronic injury/weakness from when I was seventeen. Yay for me! He aligned my spine and sent me on my way with Ligaplex glandulars (best invention since Kombucha tea), a cold compress, and a business card with the next week blocked out with appointments with him.

Since then I have been laying low and hoping to heal, lots of movies, lots of lifetime, and tons of grapes to alkalinize my body. Shopping has lost its zeal since I cannot lift anything to purchase. Cooking has become unnecessary and I've grown fond of one skillet meals like Bertoli pasta bags. I have also become the scary no makeup girl that checks her mail and winces with every step. Creepy!

Healing is happening though, thank goodness and it's thanks to my chiropractor. I must say how amazing are spine alignments, huh? My chiropractor saved my back!

Until the next back injury boomerang bandits,

E Bandit

I bet there are many people out there that have benefited from spine alignments that read our blog, feel free to post your fabulous success story on this blog's comment section.

Come again?

Okay so, I have come to terms with the fact that I'm an irritable person.  If I find something that bugs me, it'll likely bug me for the entirety of my life.  I've always considered myself to be somewhat tolerant but I suppose this post would prove otherwise...  There are things that people say, things that people do, things that people DON'T do that I find rather...annoying, for lack of a better word.  It takes a lot of tongue biting and closed-eye-rolling for me to work past my issues.  Without further ado, I present to you my list of annoying terms/phrases in no particular order:

• When people say, "What's that?" (A LOT!)  - now, I believe it's common knowledge for those of you who know me that I tend to mumble - I am aware.  As a result, when people can't hear me or need me to repeat what I had just mumbled, I noticed many people on many occasions saying, "What's that?" I guess if it bugs me that much, I should either make a conscious effort to change my 24yr old habit (or however long I've been able to talk) and speak more clearly and perhaps a little bit louder, OR maybe people should just...drop the "'s that?" and just say "What?"
• When people say, "You know what I mean?" (After every sentence) - I guess I'm just being a bitch and should just not care but it's not that simple.  You see, I'm ok with that term being used at the end of a long drawn out story.  I'm even ok with it being used after every 6th sentence.  What I'm not ok with is the fact that "You know what I mean?"  has seemingly taken the place of "like" (which I think I, like, say sometimes.)  and therefore is used after every single sentence and in many cases, MID-sentence.  When it's being used 100 times in one conversation, I just find myself becoming increasingly annoyed and thinking, "if I didn't know what you meant, I would say so..." but by me thinking that, I'm clearly not listening to the conversation at hand and find myself not knowing what you mean... 
• "It's whatever" - oh good god, I think this may be one of the most annoying phrases ever invented.  Can I just ask you something?  WHAT is whatever?  I certainly am not whatever, the situation doesn't seem to be whatever, is she whatever?  I just don't get why you're saying that or how that phrase has come to be.  I'd like to find the tree from which this phrase has fallen and RIP that tree out by the roots...can you just say, "it is what it is" ?  Because that makes sense...if that's what you're trying to say, then just...say it.  IT is not whatever...it is not...
•  "Swagger" - I believe Randy Jackson, of American Idol, can be held responsible for wearing the hell out of this word - oh yeah, and EVERY single hip-hop song released last year.
  
• "Drawling, Samwich, & SupposaBly" - Why people put letters where they don't belong is beyond me. That's right folks, I know of people who still think these are actually words; GROWN adults, no less.
• "Aks" (or Ax - as in "Aks him if he wants to go") - Do people think it's cool to purposely mispronounce a word?  that's crazy...
• "ROFL & FML" -I'm not sure why these bug me but they do.  Maybe because I had to google them to figure out what they meant and then when I found out, it made me that much more annoyed.

I'm sure there are PLENTY more that I could come up with but I'll spare you - we've just touched the tip of the iceberg my friends.

New Segment

Boomerang Bandits introduce a new segment

Pessimistic Patty

Wonderful, wonderful Winter...

The Boomerang Bandits would like to Welcome another Guest Bandit; The K Bandit.  She's cool, she's hip, she's "with it."  She's formal, but she likes to party.  She's a buckeye fan but don't hold that against her. She's SUPER wisdomous - obviously our identities are kept under wraps but I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up being the next President of the United States.  She's not a Maverick so you can rule out Sarah Palin.

Why Winter is the Crappiest Season Of the Year

1. You get fat - No matter what you do winter is cold. What does that mean… Well a few things. First, we sit inside on our couches in sweats and hoodies cuddled up in our favorite blanket trying to stay warm. Not to mention all of the great TV that is available in the winter. No movement needed or wanted for those activities. All of this means 10 lbs instantly because COLD=NO Exercise.
2. Snow – Yeah Yeah you might say it is pretty but beneath that pretty white exterior there is white death. Case in Point. Snow hates my jeans. No matter what you do, the bottom of your jeans will be wet for the first hour of work. I hate that. Also everyone during the winter months knows that you don’t wash your jeans regularly because of the stupid salt line that sits on the bottom of your jeans. Finally, the white death means road rage. People go nuts. You know its coming when the weather men/women predict snow …slow traffic. That twenty minute commute is now 3 hours. Ugghhh 
3. Hats – Don’t get me wrong I LOVE HATS. But they are not conducive for work hair. So everyday of winter there is always that inner struggle. Do I keep my head warm on my walk from the car to work and have messy/frizzy hair all day long or Freeze my ears off and still have messy hair all day long. No one looks good with hat hair.

Thanks winter for nothing...

Sincerely,
Cold Ohio Resident

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C Bandit here - If I may, I would like to add to this post because, like K Bandit, I too want Old Man Winter committed - padded walls, straight-jacket, the whole shabang.  I've accumulated my own list of Winter Unpleasantries: 

1. Freezing Temps - I tend to find a way to stay inside when I know the weather is going to take a turn for the worst.  Unfortunately, some people don't have that luxury, and moreover, some CARS don't have that luxury.  So in my brief and unwelcoming stay in the mean streets of Chicago, I was too busy with school to look after my Cobalt and I had to leave her to fend for herself.  During one of the many bone-chilling cold spells in the windy city, I let Cobalt sit to collect ice and snow - a decision I would later regret.  Like a leech, the ice and snow had permanently attached itself to my car.  BRIGHT IDEA?  Turn on the defroster - it'll DEFROST that shit right off.  Minutes later, it had loosened the ice but it also took it's toll and CRACKED my windshield beyond repair...thank you OMW...I owe you one. 
   
   
   
   ***SIDE NOTE***
   extreme cold + extreme defroster + tiny crack in glass = cracky cracky
   
   
   
   
2. Ice - I don't mind the ice on the street as much as I mind the ice on my car.  The ice on the street, for the most part, is taken care of.  As for the ice on the car, it brings me back to my first point but for this bullet point, let's say the ice that doesn't crack the windshield.  Not only do you have to find appropriate hand protection, but you have to have the right weapon for destroying the cold sheet or you're going to find yourself outside prepping your car for departure for a good 15-20 minutes. As a result, you'll either be that much later for work or you're going to have to plan and wake up early which NOBODY in their right minds would enjoy.  
   
3. Dry Skin - our poor poor skin...like the dried crackled ground of Death Valley, our skin is gritty enough to sand that bench you've been meaning to refinish.  Not even cocoa butter can save it.  You're just going to have to deal with the rough carpenter hands for the winter season.
4. Gloom & Doom - A day without the sun is a day without the fun.  There's something about gray and dreary days that unmotivates even the most motivated people.  Only the strong persevere.  I've got a mean case of the S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) - it's real and it's taken another victim.  How anyone can think that a sea of white, disgusting, cold, wet blanket of despair can be pretty is beyond me.