Lift with your back

CHARLIE: are you lifting with your back!?

MAC: Of course I'm lifting with my back Charlie, okay? but I think your end is just lighter cause the balls have rolled down to this end

CHARLIE: nah you gotta snap your back up & lift...that's your problem

MAC: I'm jerking my back up! what do you want from me?!?

Ahhhh moving...I used to enjoy it...I used to enjoy being in new places...I used to enjoy organizing my things...but today?  Not so much.

I'm in the process of moving to Ann Arbor.  According to my calculations, this will be my third move of 2010.  Excessive?  Lil' bit. Am I going to move again this year you ask?  As a matter of fact, I'm scheduled for another move in August. Should I be used to the packing, the moving and the unpacking by now?  Why yes, yes I should.  Am I though?  Nnnnnope!

You would think that, after my latest lifetime count of...17 moves, working on 18, I would be an EXPERT in all-things-moving.  You would be wrong in thinking so.  Despite my multiple residences, storage rentals, and borrowed basement space, I have yet to figure out how to live lightly.  I still feel the need to hang on to the boombox that I haven't used since 2004, the heels that I bought for Easter Mass back in '03, and the box of Bic Pens I bought for Junior year of High School.  I guess I could be considered a borderline Hoarder...I can get rid of things, I just prefer not to if it has some use in it.  To get rid of a useful item would be down right wasteful.  I know what you're saying, "you should just sell it on CraigsList."  To this I answer, that's too much work.  And believe you, me, I have tried to sell two things on Craigslist and I did not enjoy the experience - it was hardly worth it.  All the emailing back and forth, the coordinating, the bargaining - I'd rather give it away to the Salvation Army.

 

Moving should be an enjoyable process.  Once you get over the hump of beginning to pack, you have a chance to purge the old and bring in the new.  Well, it's a good theory but how many times have you found a box of "stuff" and said to yourself, "I'll sort through it while I'm unpacking."  Yeah - who are you kidding, that box of "stuff" is going to follow you until you retire.  Your grandson will stumble on it many years later only to find a vintage Tamagotchi, a Mariah Carey Cassette tape, a 1998 recording of the Grammy's on VHS, and several started, but never finished knitting projects: scarves, purses, hats, you name it.  Jack. Pot.

When all is said and done; you have your boxes labeled, furniture broken down and everything readily accessible, you must now assemble a team of movers.  A group of moving veterans, if I may (and preferably someone with a truck).  You set the date, order a pizza and you're good to go.  I mean, who wouldn't accept a slice of pizza for hours of hard labor?!? 

So now you're nearly complete.  The boxes are in, the furniture is in, you're in the homestretch.  You begin to set up and realize you have...nothing.  You won't be able to eat on the first night because you realize you have no microwave and no pots and pans...[I'm speaking from very recent experience here].  So what now?  You have to go out  and purchase a butt-load of essentials and you end up spending a small fortune.  Fantastic!  You have everything you need to live off of.  Oh wait...now you need food! 

It's a never ending cycle.  I've been through it time and again (and again and again) and I cannot get the hang of it.  Each and every time I move, I learn something new:

Lesson the First:  I am the QUEEN of frivolous spending.  Bow before me.

#B.)  Ikea Furniture - One time assembly.  Trying to disassemble it?  Goooood Luck.

VIII.)  If I haven't used or worn something in the past 12 - 14 months, I should probably give it away (doesn't mean I have, I just think I should.)

9g.)  Just because it all fits in the box, it doesn't mean it SHOULD. 

Good luck to those of you moving this year - I would offer to help but, like my student loans, I'm nearing my maximum annual allotment.  

Where are you taking me WOMAN!?!

So, I am not ashamed to say that, without technology, I would be lost.  Literally & figuratively.  Without a phone, what would I do in the awkward moments where I have to wait in line at the mall?  Would I have to just stand there? Patiently? F that!  Without a computer, how could I shop?  Would I have to PHYSICALLY drive to the mall and search with my eyes to purchase things?  And walk around on my own two legs?  How would I know the balance of my bank account?  Would I have to balance a checkbook with a pen and a...what are those things called...calculating thingy?  Without my Zune, I would have to listen to the same 12 songs on the radio or worse, I would have to listen to nothing!  Without TV, I would have to read or do something even more boring like play a board game!  And most importantly, without my GPS, I would get lost every single time I got into the car - driver or otherwise. 

There was a time, not long ago, when I relied on printed directions from Mapquest.  Pfffft...I know - ancient!  Not long before that, I relied on hand written directions given verbally.  Those were simpler times but I've upgraded to a Garmin - Sophie Garmin, that is.  If ever there was a person who needed turn-by-turn directions, it's me.  I get lost going almost every time I get into a car.  If I don't have SPECIFIC directions there's a 25% chance of me taking a wrong turn.

Lately I've been noticing how dependent I've become on Sophie.  Sophie could LITERALLY take me anywhere and I wouldn't notice because I trust that she knows where she's taking me.  I live very close to Canada too so don't be surprised if I come back from a trip to the grocery store 4 hours later with a hockey jersey on and I start saying "aboot".  While I'm driving with Sophie, I often find myself asking, "where the hell am I?!?" "I thought I was supposed to go South, aren't we going North right now?" Much to my dismay, she never answers me, she just directs me.  Believe it or not, I still take wrong turns even though Sophie tells me what to do.  I'm just waiting for her to say, "No no no.  What are you doing?  I didn't say turn yet ya dipshiyat!" But instead, she's polite about it and simply says, "recalculating."  

As trustworthy as those things can be, sometimes it can't find the street you're looking for.  For example, over the weekend, I had to find a Hotel in the middle of nowhere.  I had been there once but with someone directing me.  So I decided to type in the address and let Sophie get me to where I was going.  Well she wasn't having it.  I tried to type in Moxie Lane and it would come back with Mox Road.  Similar but not correct...now what?  I ended up doing the work for her and searched for a business nearby - and I typed that in.  What would have happened if I couldn't do that?  I don't have an atlas in my car.  I don't have GPS on my phone...I would be forced to stop off at a local gas station and ask for directions.  No more turn by turn, no more "ETA" at the bottom of the screen...what a frightening thought.  It's like losing your calculator on a simple addition test - you could do it but you've gotten so used to using the calculator that you second guess yourself.

Sophie, you are my eyes on the road.  I'm not sure how I survived without you but know that I don't want to find out.  If only there were a Garmin for real-life decisions...

   

Mailbag

Let's take a moment to read a letter from our mailbag shall we?

Say wha?? We have a mailbag?

We do now.

boomerangbandits@gmail.com 

BOOM!

Dear Bandits,
Help me with this as I am not so familiar with this subject... But does our human constitution state that everyone shall marry, buy a house, adopt a dog or two and start saving for retirement and buying life insurance before the age of 25 or even before securing a full time job?
The reason I ask is this… Since graduating in 2008 I have attended 14 weddings, 6 bachelor parties, 24 house warming parties, 6 meet and greet my pet party and 22 engagement parties…
Now those numbers only reflect the direct invites, not including all the celebratory events that I attended with my ex-girlfriends… note I say ex because they are all engaged now.. yup my most recent break up was six month ago…”apparently I wasn’t serious…” now engaged… WTF
So I did a little investigation and started asking some questions….
This is one of many sad conversations…

Me: hey whatsup I heard you got engaged congratulations
Ex: yeah, im so excited (showing me the ring…)
Me: so wow, big step… how long have you known him
Ex: oh we met at taras wedding…
Me: Tara Tara, didn’t she get married in February
Ex: yeah, I thought she invited you
Me: yeah… I couldn’t make it… I was in Seattle…
Me: so tell me, what’s so special about this guy?
Ex: oh he is super sweet.. He’s a meat and potato kind of guy.. I don’t know.. He doesn’t like to party too much…and not really adventurous with new food..i miss Indian Thursdays (long Pause) you know his family is a lot like mine… parents are divorced and he hates his step dad.
Me: I see… you got any vacation time planned…
Ex: no not really, my hubby just moved into my apartment because his lease was up… he’s thinking about quitting his job since his company is closing anyway, so that will give us more time to hang out…
Me: ok.. That’s cool.. Well listen it’s been great seeing you. And good luck with the wedding plans and all. Keep me posted ok..

 Luckily I’m not a chick…otherwise I would be seriously overweight pending all the chocolate bars and sea salt vinegar flavored chips….
The more interesting part about all this is that I have also witnessed an alarming number of divorces this year. And let me add that the reasons for the divorce are pretty lame.. for example… case number 6 of 10…Location: local gym

Me: dude whatsup… how have you been
Dude: good man
Me: looks like you’ve been workin out!!!
Dude: yeah.. you know still can’t find a job so I got plenty of time to workout..
Me: so how’s the misses and the kids
Dude: awhh man I didn’t tell you….
Me: what?
Dude: we got a legal separation like a year ago. We just drifted apart… she was always busy at work and whenever we were together we were always fighting.
Me: what’s a legal separation?
Dude: it’s like a divorce but more for our financial assets…
Me: but you’re unemployed…
Dude: yeah that’s the thing.. I’m getting alimony from her because I can’t find a job.
Me: really?
Dude: yeah.. I get my daughter Tuesday nights. Because of school and all.
Me: so I know this is rude to ask but it’s me… how much alimony are we talking about?
Dude: I get like 2500 every month.
Me: wow, (trying to change the subject because I’m in utter shock) so you still driving that old truck
Dude: no I got a New Maxima.. You should come check it out.. I’m living in Hyde park..
Me: nice dude.. I like that area..
Dude: yeah it’s great my girlfriend loves all the little shops…
Me: ………

So in conclusion, what I’m trying to convey is that I’m completely lost and confused… if it’s so easy to walk-in-to and walk-out-of marriage. Why get married? So that you can say that you did it? How many marriages are successful? (I know they exist because I’ve seen them last 40-50 years) and the better question is how did they make it that long with all the bad influence we get from the web, tv and tabloids? Is it purely an accounting move? Or even better yet.. Why is everyone afraid of being single? As soon as someone is out of a relationship off they go with the whining about being single and how hard it is to find anyone… let me ask you this… if you can’t be content just living by yourself, how could you possibly fix that by bringing another person into the equation…

Signed,

Mr. Anonymous Reader

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Anonymous Reader,

First things first, both our Legal and Historical teams have informed us that nowhere in the constitution does it state

that everyone shall marry, buy a house, adopt a dog or two and start saving for retirement and buying life insurance before the age of 25 or even before securing a full time job? 

Secondly, we're almost certain that your counts are over exaggerated - if not a little, then a lot.

Thirdly, regarding the conversation with the ex:  bringing issues up and claiming that you don't care only solidifies the case that you do care.  To remedy the entire situation, we can only offer this simple, yet effective, piece of advice:

If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

Fourthly, we resent the comment:

Luckily I’m not a chick…otherwise I would be seriously overweight pending all the chocolate bars and sea salt vinegar flavored chips…. 

Ummm hi, excuse me - that's a grossly misinterpreted generalization brought about by means of the media with the cheesy Romantic Chick-Flicks.  We clearly eat Ben & Jerry's Rocky Road Ice Cream, put our hair in curlers, slap on a hideous tattered pink robe, curl up in front of the couch and watch The Notebook with a box of tissues handy.

Fifthly, if you're against engagements, marriages, parenthood, adult-like decisions and so on and so forth, then HOW can you also be against Divorce?  Alimony is ridiculous, I agree (unless I'm on the receiving end of it...)

We'll take a second to answer your long list of questions at the end.

Why get married?

Marriage is a sign of love, commitment and making babies - plain and simple.

So that you can say that you did it?

"Did" is past tense - most people don't go into marriage with the ultimate goal of getting divorced (unless you're trying to get citizenship or you're a gold-digger)

How many marriages are successful?

According to divorcerate.org, 40-50% of marriages end in divorce in the U.S. 

how did they make it that long with all the bad influence we get from the web, tv and tabloids?

Believe it or not, some people actually love each other and they really mean it when they say, "til death do us part."

Is it purely an accounting move?

Tax breaks for married couples are tempting but I highly doubt that this is the driving force behind marriages - with the exception of gold diggers and citizenship....diggers.

Or even better yet.. Why is everyone afraid of being single?

Because if movies have taught us anything, it's that the thought of dying alone is frightening.

Well, dear reader, I hope we put your mind at ease or at least scared you into trying to buy your citizenship.

Signed,

For the Love of Feria

Dear C Bandit,

This is my plea to you to stop your hair dye obsession. Yes, hair dye is cheap, but the reality is you do not need to spend your entire blogging savings on two boxes per month. Your hair and I plead with you to end this masquerade. No amount of boxes and plastic gloves will make your hair what you want it to be, whatever shade of wood that is.

The cheap dyes are the most tempting, you may contemplate how easy it would be to buy two boxes for the price of one higher quality brand. Don't fall victim to this ploy. You will continue to dye your hair every weekend until you use your savings, your hair is weakened, and your towels and pillow cases are all stained mahogany.

I've noticed your vocabulary expanding to include words such as roasted chestnut, toasted sesame, and even burnt teak. This was my first warning sign that the dye games have gone on too long.

The clerks at Rite Aid are worried about your habit ever since you started bringing in wood samples in for color matching. They even gave you false information to you when you coyly asked them, "What shade is your customer service desk called?" They didn't have the heart to tell you it was made out of plastic and no wood grain could be matched to it.

So please C bandit, put down the plastic gloves and tube of color protecting conditioner and take heed to this warning.

Rinse and Repeat,

E Bandit