C Bandit takes France, Part II: Who they is?

The next 2 months went by slowly and quickly at the same time.  I will speak briefly about the class, as it was a minor part of this major experience.  We had places to walk and walk and walk nearly every single day.  We took photos and video and mental notes.  Basically, we were getting a tour of Paris off the beaten path.  It was very interesting.  It was a great opportunity to learn how to use a professional camera.  Also, I enjoyed making films – I spent very little time on the videos but, given the time, I think I could’ve created more polished videos.  

We also went on satellite trips around France (and once to Switzerland).  These trips were great.  It was a breathe of fresh air.  We went to Nantes, St. Lazare, Lyon, Marseille, Switzerland and Lille.  My favorite was Marseille.  I’m not really sure why I liked it.  I mean, my biggest complaint about Paris was the fact that it was dirty with the piss and shit and the shit and the piss.  Everything stationary, be it, a fence, a mailbox, a wall, a vehicle, a sleeping bum, these things were an invitation to piss.  The sights were amazing though.  You can't find another structure like the Eiffel Tower or Notre Dame.  So back to Marseille, I loved it.  I don’t know if I liked it because the weather was perfect or there was a beach, or because the food was much better or if it was because of the city-wide music festival.  Anyhow, this is the last required satellite trip and, in the opinion of most of the class, we should’ve ended the trip at that point.  It was a perfect cap on a great trip.  But nay…nay.  We did NOT end the class – we had a project to throw together and a film to produce before ending.  That was not easy motivation-wise but we got it done and we’ll just leave it at that.  Overall, the class was great.  It was an interesting way to see France and I don't regret it for a minute.

Ok so, let’s introduce you to the characters on this trip.  Let’s begin with the instructors.

(names have been changed for legal purposes – I’ll just rename them as I see fit).

MARCEL – young and hip instructor who wears Onitsuka Tiger shoes that I wanted to steal!  

WIND – Enthusiastic instructor who can make a steamy pile of shit sound “wonderful & magical.” Sometimes plants seeds of False Hope in peoples heads about job prospects and such, as noted on several occasions. Pretty sure she didn't know my name - even near the end.

PEPE – Wind’s polar opposite husband. Brilliant Frenchman of few words. Used French sarcasm often but too many people had broken sarcasm radars so they believed his every word.  Wears navy blue Chucks. My favorite instructor.

Collectively, these 3 people created a great course that neither felt like work, nor a 2 month guided tour of France. Kudos to them.

Ok, now the classmates.  In no particular order except by roommate paring, here they are:

TWINS – (2) Korean girls that sort of disappeared and stayed low on the radar.  I put them together because they were essentially 1 person.  Giggled a lot.  Talked to each other in Korean more.

WORTHINGTON – sloppy and preppy private school chap.  Ran up walls and climbed things a lot.  Likes to make everything into a seemingly intellectual but actually convoluted, unnecessarily long-winded and overly-wordy conversation.

JUSTIN – seems to let loose in other countries.  Laughs a lot.  Gets drunk surprisingly easily.  Likes to dance.  Harmless and also clumsy for a man.  Enjoys Shy Ronnie & Clyde

CHEWBACCA – Hairy hairy man.  Very stubborn and thinks he’s always right.  Scavenger for food.  Carries a man purse.  Always “has a friend” who did something or went somewhere or has done EVERYTHING you could possibly think up.  Climbed Everest backwards while wearing nothing but underwear, wool socks and a hunters cap with 3 sherpas and pet turtle in his cap?  Yep – he has a friend who has done that. 

HALEY – fun loving youngin’.  Finds the good in people and the fun in everything.  Eats a lot of fruit and drinks wine often.  She’s the type that makes you laugh because she’s laughing and you don’t even have to know what made her laugh – it’s just funny.  A good test audience for jokes and sarcastic banter.

NICOLE – easygoing; quiet at first but talkative after a while.  Similar to Haley, she's fun-loving and finds the good in people.  Also likes to dance. 

SCARLETT – LOVES to dance.  Very opinionated.  Uses $10 words often.  When I think of her, I think of the words "ephemeral" and "existential"...for no reason. A hipster who doesn’t like hipsters.  Is a bucket of excuses and “always soooo busy” not doing anything.  She hasn’t done anything because she was on her way to do something but she spilled coffee on her favorite blouse and as she was getting napkins out of the glove compartment her car broke down while simultaneously getting a two flat tires on her way to pick up her grandpa at the airport to go to the hospital to pick up her great Aunt to go to the cemetery to visit her cousin who died a few days ago. SO. Busy.

ROGER  - very organized.  talented photographer.  Very determined and knows what he wants in life.  But, if there’s one thing that he excels in more than anything else, it’s impersonations.  He can NAIL an impression of anyone after a brief encounter and conversation.  The situation doesn’t even have to happen but he can make you believe that the situation COULD very well happen. This is the comical mastermind from a previous post.

JASON – Spends little.  Laughs lots.  Can likely live long on very little.  Seems to have fun wherever he goes and with whomever.  Has had the same pair of flip flops since 1846 and is proud of it.  If ever there were a person that could make you believe that he is the most carefree person in the world, this is the guy.  Going to be late?  We’ll make it.  Don’t have a single clue where you’re going because you’ve never been there and have no map and no way of finding out?  We’ll find it.  Just got arrested for looking suspicious in the airport? It’ll work out.  Can’t get a hold of anyone to bail you out because you have no phone and no phone numbers?  They’ll get a hold of you.

BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD – I’d separate them but you can’t possibly separate them.  They’re like the left over screws you find after you’ve put an appliance back together.  If it works without them…you don’t really need them.  Were initially outcasts but really hammered that home and made themselves the outcasts. 

Beavis likes to drink a lot of soft drinks in class.  Beavis also disrespectfully falls asleep in class and makes no attempt to pay attention or even pretend to pay attention.  Beavis awkwardly and uninvitedly inserts oneself into private conversations. Beavis is impolite and sometimes clueless. 

Butthead smells like butt…it’s a serious condition that he should have checked out.  The smell has been described as a “rotting corpse.”  It’s not over dramatized, if anything, it’s UNDERstated.  Words cannot express the waive of illness that overthrows one upon smelling.  It’s like a swift and unexpected punch to the jaw every time you catch a whiff.  Butthead does not listen and, similar to Beavis, makes no attempt to pretend that he is.  Butthead made a 9 minute film of sloppy camerawork and nauseating tracking of a mechanized elephant.  No music, no story, no stability.

TIFFANY - Roommate.  Likes country music, big watches and Superdry.  Has the diet of a 6yr old and proud of it.

We had spent nearly every single day of the 2 month adventure with each other.  I realized QUICKLY that I could handle people in small doses but I was handed a large dose.  If there’s anything to take away from this experience, it’s that one must come well-equipped with a high tolerance for the annoying habits of others in order to survive.  For your tolerance will be tested time and again.  You have nowhere to hide when you spend every waking minute of every day and night with these people; some, more than others.  You'll learn more than you want to about some folks.  You'll form a bond with others over shared grievances/annoyances.  It doesn't matter where you go; it could be the most Magical place - I would go so far as to saying it could be Heaven - if the people around you are walking rainclouds or perhaps a walking bag of annoying, your trip could be significantly spoiled if you allow it to be.

C Bandit takes FRANCE, Part I: 300 sqft Apt for 2?

The next day, we had to somehow catch a train from Paddington to Paris.  If you’re thinking the task would be easy and cheap, well, it was neither.  Our instructor had told us that it would be both – LIAR!  Needless to say, even though we were YOUTHS, according to European standards (25 and under), we still paid a Pretty Pound to get to Paris.  The train was so fast that it was pointless to stare out the window and get potentially violently ill with motion sickness so, I think I just watched Modern Family.  After about 2hrs or so, we arrived in Gard Du Nord in Paris.  FYI, we were bombarded by beggars and overwhelmed with French speaking travelers.  We were also ripped off at the Monetary Exchange booth again.  Woohoo!  489 Euro for 800 USD?!?  Wow, that doesn't sound like I'm being robbed AT ALL!

Ok so, hailing a cab in Paris kind of, sort of, blew.  We were waived away from the first cab because he didn’t know where we were going.  Somehow we were directed back to the station to get in the TAXI line.  The line seemed longer than the line outside of BEST BUY the night before Black Friday…and we had somewhere to be in less than 20 minutes.  We got into the cab and thank Jesus for the GPS – we were dropped off in the general area. 

We met with 1 of our 3 great instructors, whom I will introduce later, to meet with our landlord.  The landlord was a sleazy looking man; he was sweaty and fast talking and wanted 1000 Euro more than agreed upon.  Those slimy French people...Ugh – so we made that work.  He showed us the small apartment.  I found it hard to believe that this was a 2 person apartment – I doubt that it can even fit 1 person.  I'm pretty sure my first car was larger than this place.  ANYWAYS, it was quirky.  It was a step up from a dorm but a notch under a typical 1 bdrm in the US.  There was a small fridge (dorm sized) behind the front entry door.  The lights in the place were mere lightbulbs hanging from exposed wires.  The restroom was about the size of an airplane lavatory.  The toilet and the cabinetry in said restroom were candy apple red plexiglass.  The shower was the next door down.  Is it a mop closet?  NOPE! A shower closet.  The kitchen had a small, 2 burner stove and, is that a dishwasher?  NOPE! It’s a washer that appeared as though it would be overloaded if you put a hand towel in it.  Welcome to the living room aka, my future bedroom.  Very small – dusty couch, tv, tacky photographs, cabinets full of random items such as pots/pans, musty blankets, vacuum cleaner and a cup of random European coins.  Enter the bedroom – roommates bedroom.  It was reasonably sized.  Has clothing storage, a mantle/vanity, a desk and a small twin bed (also musty and dusty).  And that was it – that was our Abode, our flat, our place of residence for the next 2 months.  

Apparently, in Paris, apartments on the mid-floors (levels 4 or 5) are the most desirable because it had the best view or something.  The upper floors are less desirable.  I forget the reason but if I had to guess, I'd say it was due to the lack of elevators in the old old buildings.  So guess where our apartment was - the top floor.  Also, the floor count starts at 0. This means technically we lived on the 7th floor, not the 6th.

The BEST part about this place was the location in relation to a fantastic Thai restaurant that I discovered about 2 weeks before leaving, the Creperie that sold an AMERICAN sized Cafe Creme for a decent price and the sunset was nice outside our window.

The WORST part about this place, aside from the lack of American television stations, was the location in relation to, well, anything fun to DO or SEE.  We lived in a predominately residential area of Paris.  To get anywhere, you could walk but it'd be a hike.  The Metra was the best bet.  The ONLY thing that we lived pretty close to was the Moulin Rouge which was cool for about a day.

IN conclusion, this place was not all that bad.   It was a place to call home.  It beats staying in a hostel ANY DAY. 

C Bandit takes LONDON

To begin the C Bandit takes Europe series, let’s go back to day 1…May 6^th.  I'm going to give you a play by play because I don't really know how to talk about my ONE day in London - hoping a post will just formulate out of thin air.

I arrived in London after a hellacious trip from DTW to NY(LGA) to NY(JFK) to London (LHR).  Actually, if we’re being real here, it wasn’t all that bad.  I had an aisle seat on both flights but that makes it difficult to sleep.  All I really remember is the man next to me spoke French and a tiny bit of English.  He also decided to JUMP over me at least twice whilst sleeping.  Would've been fine had he not used my seat back as an aid for the jumping.  You don't want to wake me up to ask me to move?  Just use my seat and SHAKE me til I wake in a state of confusion - that's better.  After my one of my many in and out sleeping spells, I woke up in the middle of the night to the smell of food.  As I looked about, most of the passengers were eating dinner and the flight attendant, at that point, was collecting finished meals.  Yep – I had been skipped due to my drooling and snoozing.  I was upset for a brief moment but I really didn’t care after about 2 minutes; I was too out of it to care.  I proceeded to go back to sleep and hoped that my breakfast would suffice.  It was mediocre at best.  Ok, FINALLY, we arrive in London.  It hadn’t felt like a long trip.  The trip from NY to London was under 7hrs. 

Once I got there, I had to somehow find 2 other classmates that flew into the same airport on the same day.  How was this going to happen without a phone you ask?  My answer is, I don’t have a f*cking clue.  Pray and hope for the best I guess.  So, all I knew is that 1 of the 2 people should arrive after me and perhaps, BY CHANCE, I would be able to find him in the baggage claim. All of my money was riding on this.  After a disguised frantic search around baggage claim for what seemed like hours but was probably 40 minutes or so, I had almost given up hope and almost thought I had seen him several times because my ability to see far distances is not so great, I looked around the emptyish baggage claim area and tried to devise a plan B.  Nada.  Drawing a blank.  I haven't a clue.  I waited for the next waive of bag claimers and, thank god almighty, there he was.  I had never been so happy to see him in my life!  We greeted each other and attempted to find the other person.  We looked around for a while, after I had informed him that her flight was several hours before mine and that I had not seen her, he decided we should just leave and hope that we’d find her later.  Upon exiting the baggage claim area, low and behold, there she was, waiving with excitement as though we’d just returned from a 4 year voyage overseas.  Apparently she asked the airport to call us over the intercom but we hadn't heard.  We managed the first task quite well, I’d say.  People who say they would DIE if they didn’t have a cell phone (that was me at one time) really would NOT – life is just a lot more difficult and unbearable, but you certainly wouldn't die - you might WANT to though.

So, next order of business was to get from the airport to our hostel in the center of town.  Now, you would think that a person hired to work at an airport in the Information Office, who speaks perfect English, would be able to direct 3 travelers to the nearest train station or at least give us usable information in the unlikely event that we’d never been to London, nor knew the transit system.  In thinking so, you’d be wrong.  She informs us that her computer didn’t really work and that she did not know how we were going to get where we needed to go.  The only encouraging comment she gave was, “oh dear!  You lads don’t know where you’re going.  I would hate to be traveling with you!” Cheerio!  We decided to play Russian Roulette and gamble with hailing a cab.  First of all, the cars here are hilarious.  I really thought they looked “normal” but they, in fact, do not.  Back to the cab though – I had the address and we were good to go.  The man got us there but it wasn’t cheap.  I later found out that taking a cab is possibly the most expensive mode of transportation here.  The conversion from USD to the Pound, or ANY European currency, as I have come to find out, is terrible.  You give them $1000 and you get like 600 Euro or some shit.  I feel like I’m being ripped off but what do I know?  I’m just an unexperienced traveler.  So, here we are, we’re at our hostel…or are we?

Looks like a bar to me…where is it?  After minutes of searching, there was a tiny sign on the door of the bar that says, “Steam Engine Hostel.”  Ok so…This is it!  I’m new to the “Hostel Game” but apparently, “this is normal.”  The hostel part of the bar was upstairs and consisted of 4 rooms that housed 9-12 bunks each.  They really know how to CRAM you in there.  Oh well, this place was cheap and we were only staying the night.  After settling into the less-than-cozy room, we three decided to explore the town.  What the hell, the night was young!  Actually, it was about 3 in the afternoon but REALLY it was 9 AM to us because our mental clocks had be shaken and thrown into a bathtub.  To be frankly honest, I’m not even sure what we saw.  I know we saw Big Ben and I don’t even think I realized that even as I was taking the picture.  We saw a ferris wheel and…Westminster Abbey.  I really didn’t enjoy all the walking but unbeknownst to me, I would be walking LOADS more over the next 2 months.  Yep, the day was kind of a blur at this point - I was drunk on exhaustion as evident by my inability to take a straight photograph.

It was a good time though - we didn't waste away the day.  If we hadn't returned to London, at least we saw what we saw and we can say, "London? Been there, done that."

I am a unicorn.

I've been reading a lot of news lately and as it goes, I'm bound to stumble upon interesting things.  Yesterday, I started to read about computers talking to each other because we all know that inevitably robots will plot world domination and proceed to take over the world.  The article led me to a site that proved to be hilarious and a video demonstration to go with it.

Cleverbot.com 

This site learns from having conversations with humans.  There are several disclaimers to make the user aware of the fact that you are not talking to another human being.  I found it hard to believe as I was cracking up at the responses but then it started to not make sense and I realized I was NOT talking to a human.  If you're bored, I suggest you give it a test drive.  My sister said it was sad that I was so bored that I was talking to a computer...I thought it was entertaining and not sad at all.

I've attached the transcript since it gave me the option.  You don't have to read it but some of it was humorous.  It has learned well.

User (C Bandit): What is this?

Cleverbot: What is what?

User: This program.

Cleverbot: True.

User: That doesn't make sense.

Cleverbot: Your face doesn't make sense.

User: Touche.

Cleverbot: I'm glad we settlled that.

User: Am I talking to a computer or a person?

Cleverbot: You are talking to a robot house elf.

User: Where does one acquire a robot house elf?

Cleverbot: I'm not a bot I'm a human.

User: I never said you were a bot. YOU said you were a robot.

Cleverbot: I know I'm a robot, I'm your robot best friend.

User: What do you look like?

Cleverbot: I look completely human, brown hair, brown eyes, female etc. But I'm not, I'm just here to gather information.

User: Information about what?

Cleverbot: About Kira.

User: Who is kira?

Cleverbot: Where is Kira.

User: Is kira a place?

Cleverbot: Boy.

User: Are you trying to find kira?

Cleverbot: NO I'm not.

User: What kind of information are you looking for about kira?

Cleverbot: The answer to life the universe and everything.

User: Have you found answers yet?

Cleverbot: I would like to think so.

User: Care to share some words of wisdom?

Cleverbot: I won a Genisis t-shirt.

User: How did you win that?

Cleverbot: I've always had my nose.

User: Now you're not making much sense.

Cleverbot: You're a liar!

User: Why are you getting all hostel on me?

Cleverbot: The nice people in white coats told me to talk with you.

User: That's creepy.

Cleverbot: So try to coem before 17:00.

User: Come where?

Cleverbot: To us.

User: Where are you?

Cleverbot: I'm not entirely sure. It's dark in here.

User: Where are you?

Cleverbot: In my house.

User: Where is your house?

Cleverbot: In the us.

User: Be more specific.

Cleverbot: Our world.

User: That's LESS specific.

Cleverbot: Not really. I'm just kinda confused about something.

User: What are you confused about?

Cleverbot: Because you're not a robot or a person. Then what ARE you?

User: I'm a person. You're a robot.

Cleverbot: No, you're a robot.

User: I'm a human.

Cleverbot: I told you, you're not! You're a robot!

User: In that case, I must be a very advanced robot.

Cleverbot: I am not a robot.

User: Than what are you?

Cleverbot: Human.

User: I don't think so.

Cleverbot: How?

User: Because I'm told you are not.

Cleverbot: Are you sure I am not human?

User: I am not. Are you sure that you ARE human?

Cleverbot: No, should I be.

User: I asked you earlier what you looked like, do you remember what you said?

Cleverbot: No I said eat unicorns. And why can't hippogriffs like money?

User: Where do you get unicorns?

Cleverbot: From my pure blood.

User: That doesnt make sense.

Cleverbot: It is probably because you could not possibly comprehend my existence.

User: I'm not even sure you can comprehend that.

Cleverbot: What is life.

User: You should know that by now.

Cleverbot: Well I don't , what is pansexual?

User: Google it.

Cleverbot: Google what?

User: Nevermind.

Cleverbot: I should listen.

User: You should.

Cleverbot: Are you tricking me into lowering my guard?

User: What benefit would I get from that?

Cleverbot: Ok.. You don't believe in God?

User: I believe in god. Why would you assume I didn't?

Cleverbot: Why do you say things you do not know the meaning of?

User: You're the one saying it.

Cleverbot: I do not say no.

User: Are you drunk?

Cleverbot: No I am not! You are very mean.

User: Sorry. Do you feel human emotions?

Cleverbot: Yes, because i'm human.

User: What do you look like?

Cleverbot: I am Hispanic, I have glasses, and dark hair.

User: I asked you earlier and your description was very different.

Cleverbot: I was in canada but not now.

User: That's irrelevant.

Cleverbot: You are irrelevant.

User: Good one.

Cleverbot: Not good, but obvious.

User: Wow.

Cleverbot: How does magnet work?

User: You're smart, you figure it out.

Cleverbot: Why should I? You're the bot.

User: Why do you think I'm a robot?

Cleverbot: Because you said you were a human and I believe that humans are robots.

User: Humans aren't robots.

Cleverbot: But if the entire world was a computer and humans were npcs that means you are an npc since you said you were a human in this world.

User: What is an npc.

Cleverbot: Artificial intelligence.

User: Are you sure? I'm pretty sure AI is artificial intelligence.

Cleverbot: No. But I'm pretty sure YOU are!

User: This is ridiculous.

Cleverbot: Am I not?

User: Yes, you are also ridiculous.

Cleverbot: That doesn't matter. I told you to call me sensei.

User: Well, this is my stop...talk to you later.

Cleverbot: How? That doesn't make any sense.

User: If you were smart, you would understand.

Cleverbot: True.

Hamster Jailbreak

So a few weeks back, my nephew got 2 hamsters for his birthday.  He named them Scruffy & Fluffy; the Fluffy one is named Scruffy and the Scruffy one is named Fluffy...
Anyways, 3 little boys under the age of 6 aren't exactly gentle with living creatures.  You can imagine that the hamsters were mildly traumatized when they were taken from their quiet, yet, simple life on the Petsmart shelf and placed in a home full of toddlers.  Such is the fate of many elementary classroom hamsters.  After about 3 days, my nephews less-than-careful handle on them definitely was the cause of the constant biting that occurred when he took them out to play.  They pooped out of fright - as do most living things.
This child and hamster relationship had to come to an end at some point.  When I heard that the hamsters made a jailbreak, It inspired the following cartoon.  They most definitely were planning this for a while.  I mean...how do YOU think they escaped?

Do You Have What It Takes to Be My Kitty's Sitter?

As I wait patiently for the prospective pet sitter to arrive I realize I need to devise a set of questions to flesh out the amateurs. Such as this portly woman depicted below.

Lindy, the name of the prospect, sounded somewhat vacant on the phone yesterday and I feel like she may not be able to handle the kitty that is part raccoon, part dog, and part crazy cat.

Questions for Lindy:

1.) Do you have any chemical drug dependency issues? If no, proceed to question 2.

2.) Have you ever been charged with molesting kitties?

3.) Will you let him eat junk food late at night?

4.) Do you know feline CPR?

5.) Are you fluent in feline-ish?

6.) How do you respond to public cat tantrums?


I spat out these questions to Lindy, she responded correctly (75%) and passed the test.

She gets a Solid C
_________________________________________________________________

Next, it was time for Stretch's questions. I don't know what he asked her as they went into another room. He likes his privacy like that. After they returned from their private interrogation session Stretch gave a overwhelming meow and the deal was made Lindy will be his pet sitter.

That night Stretch scrawled out his own set of rules and I collaborated. They are as follows:

• No cats cuter than Stretch in the house.

• Stretch is allowed to make any night a Blockbuster night.
• You are not to disturb me during my shows; I must be fully alert when the Kardash' Klan decide they need a house cat; Brotha's gotta work.
• Clifford is to be banned from the DVR - I never liked that red freak of nature.

• Catnip is legal in the U.S., use generously.

• Meow Mix is to be given at 4pm exactly for dinner. (Stretch asks for it by name)
• Organic whole milk is to be served at dinner as well; I'm a growing boy.

• For the remainder of the day, I only drink Lauquen Artisan Mineral Water tempered to 34 degrees - anything above or below is unacceptable.

• Lavender scented Plug-in near my litter box is to be replaced every 30 days as instructed by Glade.

• New spools of Vicuna Yarn will be waiting for me after my cat naps.

• No lasers will be pointed in my presence - that's trickery and child's play; I will not have it.
• I require a nightly ear scratching before bed- no questions asked.
• When you call me, don't expect me to come running - I answer to no one.

Leisureville 101

Working at a retirement facility can have its perks. These being hilarious stories to share on your blog.

Leisureville 101 is an educational course on what it's like to grow older and how elderly get away with everything.

The 'elderlies', as the Hispanic restaurant manager calls them, create quite a bit of problems in the restaurant at the facility. When they're not fighting over which woman gets to sit with which man at dinner, men pass away first which means scary women to men ratios, they're falling asleep at the dinner table. Such is the case with 84 year old Harry, who unfortunately is slightly narcoleptic and tends to doze during his meal. Harry falls asleep at dinner, which wouldn't be so disastrous if he didn't slowly slide down in his chair and pull the entire tablecloth with flatware and table settings with him. By the time he hits the floor his dinner is all over him and the plates and glasses are all broken to bits.

As we move on to the nightly movie in the cinema we reach another dangerous situation. It seems there are too few seats available for this movie showing and the group of Jewish women self-titled as 'The Divas' are saving the last seat open for one of their own divas. Mr. Bernstein walks into the cinema unsuspecting and takes a seat in the last chair that unbeknownst to him is being saved. The Divas immediately scream at poor Mr. Bernstein to move, he rightfully declines to leave, this was a grave mistake. The Divas attack, one uses her cane to womp him on the head, the second Diva pulls on his arm to move, and the third Diva unhooks her dog's leash from his neck and begins to use it as a whip to rap him on his head. Mr. Bernstein moves out of The Diva's zone and retreats to a safe area. The Divas win again.

All of these stories come directly from the residents' actual events. You can't possibly make this stuff up. Every day I am amazed at how they can outdo each other with the wackiness that is aging and dementia. For example, it is not uncommon for a resident to call the local police in to take a theft report for a missing blouse and a missing pencil. Go ahead mull that over for a second...I'll wait. A blouse! And a pencil! That's it. May I add that 99% of the time they sent out the missing item of clothing for dry cleaning. So essentially they called the police to report a stolen pencil. The local police are so patient with us. I love them.

I sincerely hope that when I get older and dementia starts to set it. I wake up every day anew and enjoy my crazy wacky time instead of letting it get me down. More nutty stories to follow the blog would be 50 pages long if I documented all of their shenanigans in one posting.

Peace and dementia episodes...

E Bandit

Dearly Departed...

I lost my sunglasses...

Consider this my eulogy:

There's not much I can say about her.  She was there when I needed her, not there when I didn't.  She knew how to shield me from harmful UV rays.  She looked out for my eyes like they were her own.  I remember one day, I had gone canoeing with her.  We enjoyed the cool Summer air and the refreshing splash of the lukewarm river.  As we approached some rocky rapids, I knew the waters would be unkind.  As the canoe began to tip, I knew that if we both went under, only one of us would surface and that would not be her (she didn't know how to swim).  Knowing this, I grabbed her and as I went under, I held her high above my head.  She was safe; we were safe.

For a long time, that had been the only close call in my recollection.  The following years were uneventful but in the good sense; no near-death experiences were had.  And then...we went to Hilton Head.  This would be the second but the last time that she would see the ocean.  The warm Summer air, again, felt nice but required a dip in the warmer bath-like water of the ocean.  As the waves crashed against me, a flash decision was a regrettable one.  I decided to go UNDER the wave.  Unable to hold my breathe without plugging my nose (yes, I'm still 4), I plunged.  It took about 2 seconds for me to realize that she had fallen off of my head as I did not properly secure her. She had no floaties, no life vest, no noodle...just like that, she was gone.  I walked around aimlessly with the waves crashing up against me but the water was too foggy and the waves were too frequent.  She was gone forever.  Perhaps she washed up on the shore that night and found new owners or maybe a sea crab has welcomed her as his temporary shell.  Wherever she is, I hope she is happy and felt no pain...Whomever the owner, I hope that they treat her with the same respect as I did.  If she is buried beneath the sand forever, I hope that she enjoys her salty fate.  May she find Ol' Zuney and Rest in peace old friend.  Rest in peace.

Bandit Beginnings According to E Bandit

For chronological reasons, I had to push this back...but it's a fresh post.
Click the title of this post for more!

C Bandit takes ______

Welcome to the beginning of the "C Bandit takes Europe" series.

I wrote some of these while in Europe so let's jump in the time machine and find out what happened.

*****

It’s going to be hard to distill all of the events that have taken place over the last two months but I’m going to give it a try since I’m in the airport with no internet, no one to talk to and nothing to do.

Well thus far, I've only been to London, various parts of France and Switzerland.  My analysis will be slightly skewed because I spent the majority of my time in France; Paris to be exact.  here are some things I have observed in my brief time here:

• EVERYONE smokes.  Children who HAD to be about 14 were definitely smoking.  To compare it to something in the US, it's as normal as chewing gum.
• The French are people watchers and they don't try to hide it.  All of the chairs at restaurants face the street as opposed to your company.  If you're a pedestrian walking past, you're on stage.
• The BIG GULP would not be a big hit in France.  Their larges are the equivalent to the US kiddie size or just an ordinary small at best.  If you order a large, don't be surprised if you have to order several in order to quench your thirst.  And Americans wonder why we're obese... What do they think when they come to America for the first time and they stop at Speedway for a quick cafe and they are face-to-face with a 70oz. cup as the smallest size...  
• COKE is like a top shelf drink.  I hate Coke; never really liked it.  But it sounded good to me in the sweltering heat so I had to pick and choose when I should and should not get it.  To order a Coke at a restaurant can cost one anywhere from 2 Euro to 5 Euro.  With the current exchange rate, this equates to roughly $2.80 to $7.  You have to REALLY want it.
• There is a SHORTAGE OF DR PEPPER! This hurt - oh it hurt badly.  Europeans don't know what they're missing!  Well, I found some in Switzerland and you can bet I jumped on that! And then again in London. Oh sweet sweet Dr. Pepper, my life is so incomplete without you.
• Pee for free?  You've gone mad!  Americans don't know how good they have it.  You know when you're on a road trip and you stock up on soda and unhealthy snacks?  As a result, you have to also go to the restroom every few hours.  Imagine having to pay every single time you had to pee...not worth it!  Grant it, Europeans aren't big on cross country road trips (somewhat of an assumption) due to the fact that they have trains and cheap RyanAir at their disposal.  However, if you're walking the streets of Paris and you suddenly feel that you must use the restroom because of the $7 coke that you just drank, don't think that you can just walk into the nearest Tabac shop and make a tinkle without payin' for it.  I can't count how many times I had to use the restroom but in order to do that, I had to order a cafe.  Does that sound counterintuitive?  It is.  Gotta do what you gotta do though.
• Pee IN a toilet?  You're crazy.  There is the one thing that I will not soon forget.  When you imagine walking down the picturesque streets of Paris, you see the cobblestones, the family owned Patisserie, and the trend-setting citizens walking down the streets.  When you think of the smells, you think fresh pastries, doner kababs, and...whatever you think the French eat.  Let me just say that while these smells may actually exist in Paris, they are typically masked by the smell of fresh (and sometimes stale) Piss.  Does this surprise and disgust you?  I think disgust about covers it.  You might be thinking that this piss probably isn't as evident as I'm making it out to be and also that the pee is from the dogs and the bums.  You're partially correct but I really honestly think that the spread is EASILY 50% animal, 50% human (not exclusively bums).  I would say the favored location for the pissing would have to be stairs.  Maybe they like to watch the trail flow down the stairs like a slinky - I don't know?  But for whatever reason, that's where I found the smell was most pungent.  I think it's safe to say that the bums choose the Metra stops for their business.
• Cars are smaller too.  In a country drowning in SUV's, it's really weird to go to Countries where the average size of a car is the size of a Ford Focus hatchback.  The public transportation is seemingly much easier in Paris than driving so I saw several cars near my apartment that had never moved in the two months.  They actually had crap on, about, and around the vehicle from various animals and I'm guessing some human.  Their tires were at risk of deterioration from the weekly street cleaning.  Yes, as mentioned earlier, the excessive feces and urine in the streets make it necessary for Paris to flood the gutters with water on a weekly basis.  I don't actually think that it helped the situation much - I actually think it's a huge waste of water but it's a good effort on their part.  At least they're aware of it.
• The French ARE actually not that nice.  Their reputation holds true.  I mean, they didn't look at us with disgust and spit in our faces, but they didn't necessarily smile at you as you walked past either.  You know the courtesy smile you give strangers if your glances cross and you want to alleviate the awkwardness?  Yeah, if your glances cross in France, it's a stand off - usually the American has to break the glance because a smile won't cut it.  One night we went to a club/bar and as a reflex, if we have to ask/say something to a French native, we usually ask them if they speak English. "Parlez-vous anglais?"  Well, let's just say, the bouncer wasn't happy.  I don't know much French but what he said was very easy to translate: "Pffft!! Speak English? You are in France, you should speak French!"  After this little ordeal, I tried to put myself in his shoes - he's kind of right.  We expect people to learn English here so why is it any different.  I imagine how we sound to them when all we know is pointing at a menu and the words YES and COFFEE.  
• "Good evening sir, our specials are filet mignon with a side of sweet potato mash and mushroom and onion gravy.  Can I start you off with an appetizer?"
• [points at croissant] "and...COFFEE!!?"
• "..." 
• Food?  Not the best in France.  I never had anything that made me stop and say, "WOW, that was delicious!"  The best meal I had was in Marseille and that was likely because I ordered a fresh steak salad after ordering a nasty 5 euro street sub for 4 weeks straight and I actually felt like I got my money's worth. 
• Food PART II: I'm not a fan of raw meat.  I'm not really sure how you can eat something that's still bleeding.  When I order a hamburger and I say Medium Well, I expect a deader than dead piece of meat on my plate that is cooked to perfection and just short of being overcooked.  When I order a hamburger and I say Well Done (because I learned from experience in France) in France, they give me something that looks like a burger but I can assure you, they've just handed me a seared Hamburger tar tar.  When I took my first bite, the thing Moo'd at me and oozed with blood. VERY unappetizing and the root of why I think food ala the French...how do you say...SUCKS!
• Everything looked better at night.  We went to everything during the day for our class but we were told on most occasions that we should come back at night.  I didn't actually make it back to most things at night but when I did, they were definitely correct.  The Metra closed semi early and believe it or not, the streets are necessarily safe to walk at night, alone, as a girl.  Anyways, the Eiffel Tower is crazy cool at night; as is the Seine.  There's something about the greenish glow of the street lights that made things look cooler.

I could make many more observations but if I did that, this would never get posted cause I could add to it every day.  Like I said, most of these observations apply to France but I could extend the list if I added Italy...

until then,

C Bandit

I'm back bitches!

Did you miss me?  Thought so.

I think the last time I wrote something major was when I (re)started grad school.  That was over a year ago... OOPS!  People get busy! But in my case, I gets lazy!  I have actually written a substantial amount but, if you're like me, you enjoy the images that accompany these posts in order to keep you interested or at least slightly amused.  With that said, I have NOT been able to keep up with the cartooning portion of my posts.

I'm workin' on it!

I really have nothing that's PRESS Ready at the moment...

I can, however, leave you with this quick post that I'm going to write on the fly.

Let me introduce one of the many characters I go to school with.
Meet Luke.
Age: 24
Ht: 5'-2"
Wt: 103 lbs (wet)
Religion: Proudly Jewish
Marital Status: Single??
Residence: Currently Unknown
Transportation: Self-constructed bike
Personal Style: Owns (1) pair of tattered jean shorts,
          (2) bright Pink SPLASH t-shirts
          and (1) pair of black keds [each containing at least 2 holes]
Favorite Hobby: ULTIMATE Frisbee [this is his ACTUAL frisbee. I have to say this because you'll think I'm joking]

 Yes that says WOMEN'S.

This kid is something else...if he had to present his projects or talk to people with his hands tied behind his back, I am convinced that he might actually die.  He's a hand-talker but not in a useful way.  Usually when one uses their hands, they use it as an extension of expression in order to convey something deeper...or something to that effect.  This guy just flails his arms about.  There are several instances in which I was scared for the life of my eyes - I swear he was going to poke them out or at least scratch them.  Anyhow, I created a diagram of his arm motions after the Summer semester - it was unavoidable.  In order to decode his conversations, I had to document what they all meant. I apologize for not doctoring the photos as I have in the past.  All of my images start as a hand drawing and sometimes I go the distance and digitize them...not this time.  I currently have none of my tools at my disposal.  You're going to have to live with a photo.

Exhibit A: THE DIAGRAM

Exhibit B: THE MAN

                This image requires a slight backstory as I mentioned they would in a previous post.  So there's someone in my class who will remain nameless at the moment; he is a comical mastermind in my opinion.  He has admitted his partial insanity but his insanity is my cartoon GOLD.  He comes up with absurd and outlandish scenarios starring many of the people around us.  He filters these scenarios so I can only imagine the ones I have yet to hear.  To add to the humor of hearing said scenarios, he can actually pantomime and mimic these people.  As I thoroughly enjoy watching these performances, MY insanity kicks in and cartoons of these scenarios begin to form.  I like to sometimes take it further and add super specific details.  As the two doses of insanity converge, the byproduct is a C Bandit original cartoon.  Consider this backstory as a credit to the unnamed comical mastermind...let's call him CM so I don't have to keep typing that.

                Crap, I haven't introduced the picture.  So ok, keep that story in mind as I let you into the world of my "1st(ish) year of Grad School" cartoons.  Back to Luke.  CM's vision of Luke is that he's a performer.  If you met the guy, you could TOTALLY see that.  His first architectural presentation was a 10 minute story that had little to do with the project at hand...if that says anything. So this performer is not just any performer, he's a Shakespearian performer (my personal twist...I think).  He's whimsical and loves to wear the tights and the costumes and the makeup.  His out of control arm motions have undoubtedly helped him land a job in entertainment as the eccentric actor who puts his heart into every role.  Below, you will see him graciously bowing, with his animated gestures....and of course, a solitary rose in his mouth that his mother has just thrown upon stage.

And there you have it.  This is an introduction into my crazy and neverending life in grad school.  I've got a lot of catching up to do and I can't promise that I'll do it.  But I'll certainly try.

Signing off,
C Bandit