Resumes 101

As an H. R. Director I get a lot resumes, scratch that, a ton of resumes. So many resumes I don't have time to read them all. They come from e-mails, faxes, and snail mail. There are some gems in the bunch, some standout more than others for various reasons.

The example below is what was attached to a resume submitted to me for god knows what job opening. The applicant thought it was a good idea to submit an example of her collaging skills. Notice their keen cutting skills as well as attention to the pug's clothing that matches the backgorund. Granted I did get an enormous laugh out of it, however, I will never hire them because they appear emotionally unstable.

Another resume sent via e-mail to me was in essence a long rambling sentence with no punctuation informing me, in ebonics, that the applicant thinks she could help "all those people at the hospital". I'm unsure what hospital she meant. I am not hiring for any sort of hospital.

One cover letter was closed with, "Thank you for yur time, It's Never Too Late To Lose Weight". Which I thought was quite motivational but somewhat absent minded when composing a resume cover letter.

All in all, I recieve many creative resumes, some I want to schedule an interview just to meet these crazy people.

Thank you for your consideration,

Ebandit,

Enclosures

Sanka...you dead?

So...I've been a wee bit busy in Grad school boot-camp over the Summer which has taken every ounce of my free time.  I have much to write about: my classmates provide enough content for me to post for weeks.  I have to edit though - most things I would write would only make sense to a handful of people.  Also, some, or one in particular, might have access to this blog that I would really rather he didn't...The good news is, I have started a collection of comics/cartoons about school but again, they might not make any sense and will not be funny to those not involved so they might require some back stories.

Stay Tuned for the Adventures of Gradsville - Population: Yours Truly.

Let's discuss, shall we?

inspired by my hesitation to discuss in discussion class

Family Watchdog

Have you ever been on FamilyWatchdog?  If you haven't and you're going to, do yourself a favor and proceed with caution.  I remember the first time I heard about the website - I was living in good ol' Cincinnati and I decided to give it a shot.  The idea is great, you search for criminals in the area and you're in the know.  You read their offenses, you put a face to the name and it's committed to memory.  Well, have you ever heard of that saying, "what you know won't hurt you"?  There might be an ounce of truth in it.  This site can make you overly-paranoid.  Case-in-point, my excessive door locking.  While I'm not denying that it is better to know than to be naive, skipping around singing la-dee-da and pretend that life is one big Pleasantville, it can be a bit of a shock when you type in your address.  Go ahead, give it a go - I'll wait.

So now that that's out of the way and you're arranging new accommodations until you can move to a safer part of town (if there is one), I wanted to go ahead and share with you some of my previous cities of residence and amaze you with all the beautiful colors of crime.

Location: Thornton, CO 

Population: ~113,000

Diagnosis: Really not as bad as I would've thought.  On a scale of 1-10, I give it a 4 on the scary scale.

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Location: Naperville, IL aka Pleasantville, America

Population: ~145,000

Diagnosis: Pretty much what you'd expect when you live in Pleasantville.  I give it a 1.5 out of 10.

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 And then I moved to Cincy...

Location: Cincinnati, OH

Population: ~333,000

***Population of Criminals:  ~330,000 (personal estimation)

Diagnosis: Honestly?  You can barely read the town names/major highways.  Yeah I give it a 9.  Good God - it's the Criminal Headquarters...or so I thought...

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 And then there was Chicago...

Location: Chicago, IL

Population: ~2.85 million

***Population of Criminals:  ~2.8 mil (personal estimation)

Diagnosis: Notice the wider variety of colors.  Cincy has a lot of green, though not excusable, it's a slightly lesser offense.  Red and Yellow are the big leagues.  They play for keeps.  I realize the population density has a lot to do with the amount and may be unfair in comparison to the other cities but still...I mean...come on.  That's undoubtedly an 11 or 12 out of 10.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Ann Arbor, here I come

Location: Ann Arbor, MI

Population: ~114,000

Diagnosis: It's like there was a criminal background check for every person to live here and only a few slipped through the cracks.  It's a huge relief but obviously no place is too safe so I'll give it a 1 out of 10 for safe measure.

Pretty astonishing I'd say.  FamilyWatchdog can either scared the living baJesus out of you or it can put your mind at ease.  Should you just use the normal deadbolt on the front door?  Or should you reinforce it with oh say, a chair or a spare mattress?  Should you jog around with just mace?  Or should you bring mace and Hank, your Doberman?  Do you want to know?  Or would you prefer to be surprised?  You decide.  Once you discover this website, you'll probably sit there for a good hour or so looking at criminals in your area and areas you know.  

Lift with your back

CHARLIE: are you lifting with your back!?

MAC: Of course I'm lifting with my back Charlie, okay? but I think your end is just lighter cause the balls have rolled down to this end

CHARLIE: nah you gotta snap your back up & lift...that's your problem

MAC: I'm jerking my back up! what do you want from me?!?

Ahhhh moving...I used to enjoy it...I used to enjoy being in new places...I used to enjoy organizing my things...but today?  Not so much.

I'm in the process of moving to Ann Arbor.  According to my calculations, this will be my third move of 2010.  Excessive?  Lil' bit. Am I going to move again this year you ask?  As a matter of fact, I'm scheduled for another move in August. Should I be used to the packing, the moving and the unpacking by now?  Why yes, yes I should.  Am I though?  Nnnnnope!

You would think that, after my latest lifetime count of...17 moves, working on 18, I would be an EXPERT in all-things-moving.  You would be wrong in thinking so.  Despite my multiple residences, storage rentals, and borrowed basement space, I have yet to figure out how to live lightly.  I still feel the need to hang on to the boombox that I haven't used since 2004, the heels that I bought for Easter Mass back in '03, and the box of Bic Pens I bought for Junior year of High School.  I guess I could be considered a borderline Hoarder...I can get rid of things, I just prefer not to if it has some use in it.  To get rid of a useful item would be down right wasteful.  I know what you're saying, "you should just sell it on CraigsList."  To this I answer, that's too much work.  And believe you, me, I have tried to sell two things on Craigslist and I did not enjoy the experience - it was hardly worth it.  All the emailing back and forth, the coordinating, the bargaining - I'd rather give it away to the Salvation Army.

 

Moving should be an enjoyable process.  Once you get over the hump of beginning to pack, you have a chance to purge the old and bring in the new.  Well, it's a good theory but how many times have you found a box of "stuff" and said to yourself, "I'll sort through it while I'm unpacking."  Yeah - who are you kidding, that box of "stuff" is going to follow you until you retire.  Your grandson will stumble on it many years later only to find a vintage Tamagotchi, a Mariah Carey Cassette tape, a 1998 recording of the Grammy's on VHS, and several started, but never finished knitting projects: scarves, purses, hats, you name it.  Jack. Pot.

When all is said and done; you have your boxes labeled, furniture broken down and everything readily accessible, you must now assemble a team of movers.  A group of moving veterans, if I may (and preferably someone with a truck).  You set the date, order a pizza and you're good to go.  I mean, who wouldn't accept a slice of pizza for hours of hard labor?!? 

So now you're nearly complete.  The boxes are in, the furniture is in, you're in the homestretch.  You begin to set up and realize you have...nothing.  You won't be able to eat on the first night because you realize you have no microwave and no pots and pans...[I'm speaking from very recent experience here].  So what now?  You have to go out  and purchase a butt-load of essentials and you end up spending a small fortune.  Fantastic!  You have everything you need to live off of.  Oh wait...now you need food! 

It's a never ending cycle.  I've been through it time and again (and again and again) and I cannot get the hang of it.  Each and every time I move, I learn something new:

Lesson the First:  I am the QUEEN of frivolous spending.  Bow before me.

#B.)  Ikea Furniture - One time assembly.  Trying to disassemble it?  Goooood Luck.

VIII.)  If I haven't used or worn something in the past 12 - 14 months, I should probably give it away (doesn't mean I have, I just think I should.)

9g.)  Just because it all fits in the box, it doesn't mean it SHOULD. 

Good luck to those of you moving this year - I would offer to help but, like my student loans, I'm nearing my maximum annual allotment.  

Where are you taking me WOMAN!?!

So, I am not ashamed to say that, without technology, I would be lost.  Literally & figuratively.  Without a phone, what would I do in the awkward moments where I have to wait in line at the mall?  Would I have to just stand there? Patiently? F that!  Without a computer, how could I shop?  Would I have to PHYSICALLY drive to the mall and search with my eyes to purchase things?  And walk around on my own two legs?  How would I know the balance of my bank account?  Would I have to balance a checkbook with a pen and a...what are those things called...calculating thingy?  Without my Zune, I would have to listen to the same 12 songs on the radio or worse, I would have to listen to nothing!  Without TV, I would have to read or do something even more boring like play a board game!  And most importantly, without my GPS, I would get lost every single time I got into the car - driver or otherwise. 

There was a time, not long ago, when I relied on printed directions from Mapquest.  Pfffft...I know - ancient!  Not long before that, I relied on hand written directions given verbally.  Those were simpler times but I've upgraded to a Garmin - Sophie Garmin, that is.  If ever there was a person who needed turn-by-turn directions, it's me.  I get lost going almost every time I get into a car.  If I don't have SPECIFIC directions there's a 25% chance of me taking a wrong turn.

Lately I've been noticing how dependent I've become on Sophie.  Sophie could LITERALLY take me anywhere and I wouldn't notice because I trust that she knows where she's taking me.  I live very close to Canada too so don't be surprised if I come back from a trip to the grocery store 4 hours later with a hockey jersey on and I start saying "aboot".  While I'm driving with Sophie, I often find myself asking, "where the hell am I?!?" "I thought I was supposed to go South, aren't we going North right now?" Much to my dismay, she never answers me, she just directs me.  Believe it or not, I still take wrong turns even though Sophie tells me what to do.  I'm just waiting for her to say, "No no no.  What are you doing?  I didn't say turn yet ya dipshiyat!" But instead, she's polite about it and simply says, "recalculating."  

As trustworthy as those things can be, sometimes it can't find the street you're looking for.  For example, over the weekend, I had to find a Hotel in the middle of nowhere.  I had been there once but with someone directing me.  So I decided to type in the address and let Sophie get me to where I was going.  Well she wasn't having it.  I tried to type in Moxie Lane and it would come back with Mox Road.  Similar but not correct...now what?  I ended up doing the work for her and searched for a business nearby - and I typed that in.  What would have happened if I couldn't do that?  I don't have an atlas in my car.  I don't have GPS on my phone...I would be forced to stop off at a local gas station and ask for directions.  No more turn by turn, no more "ETA" at the bottom of the screen...what a frightening thought.  It's like losing your calculator on a simple addition test - you could do it but you've gotten so used to using the calculator that you second guess yourself.

Sophie, you are my eyes on the road.  I'm not sure how I survived without you but know that I don't want to find out.  If only there were a Garmin for real-life decisions...

   

Mailbag

Let's take a moment to read a letter from our mailbag shall we?

Say wha?? We have a mailbag?

We do now.

boomerangbandits@gmail.com 

BOOM!

Dear Bandits,
Help me with this as I am not so familiar with this subject... But does our human constitution state that everyone shall marry, buy a house, adopt a dog or two and start saving for retirement and buying life insurance before the age of 25 or even before securing a full time job?
The reason I ask is this… Since graduating in 2008 I have attended 14 weddings, 6 bachelor parties, 24 house warming parties, 6 meet and greet my pet party and 22 engagement parties…
Now those numbers only reflect the direct invites, not including all the celebratory events that I attended with my ex-girlfriends… note I say ex because they are all engaged now.. yup my most recent break up was six month ago…”apparently I wasn’t serious…” now engaged… WTF
So I did a little investigation and started asking some questions….
This is one of many sad conversations…

Me: hey whatsup I heard you got engaged congratulations
Ex: yeah, im so excited (showing me the ring…)
Me: so wow, big step… how long have you known him
Ex: oh we met at taras wedding…
Me: Tara Tara, didn’t she get married in February
Ex: yeah, I thought she invited you
Me: yeah… I couldn’t make it… I was in Seattle…
Me: so tell me, what’s so special about this guy?
Ex: oh he is super sweet.. He’s a meat and potato kind of guy.. I don’t know.. He doesn’t like to party too much…and not really adventurous with new food..i miss Indian Thursdays (long Pause) you know his family is a lot like mine… parents are divorced and he hates his step dad.
Me: I see… you got any vacation time planned…
Ex: no not really, my hubby just moved into my apartment because his lease was up… he’s thinking about quitting his job since his company is closing anyway, so that will give us more time to hang out…
Me: ok.. That’s cool.. Well listen it’s been great seeing you. And good luck with the wedding plans and all. Keep me posted ok..

 Luckily I’m not a chick…otherwise I would be seriously overweight pending all the chocolate bars and sea salt vinegar flavored chips….
The more interesting part about all this is that I have also witnessed an alarming number of divorces this year. And let me add that the reasons for the divorce are pretty lame.. for example… case number 6 of 10…Location: local gym

Me: dude whatsup… how have you been
Dude: good man
Me: looks like you’ve been workin out!!!
Dude: yeah.. you know still can’t find a job so I got plenty of time to workout..
Me: so how’s the misses and the kids
Dude: awhh man I didn’t tell you….
Me: what?
Dude: we got a legal separation like a year ago. We just drifted apart… she was always busy at work and whenever we were together we were always fighting.
Me: what’s a legal separation?
Dude: it’s like a divorce but more for our financial assets…
Me: but you’re unemployed…
Dude: yeah that’s the thing.. I’m getting alimony from her because I can’t find a job.
Me: really?
Dude: yeah.. I get my daughter Tuesday nights. Because of school and all.
Me: so I know this is rude to ask but it’s me… how much alimony are we talking about?
Dude: I get like 2500 every month.
Me: wow, (trying to change the subject because I’m in utter shock) so you still driving that old truck
Dude: no I got a New Maxima.. You should come check it out.. I’m living in Hyde park..
Me: nice dude.. I like that area..
Dude: yeah it’s great my girlfriend loves all the little shops…
Me: ………

So in conclusion, what I’m trying to convey is that I’m completely lost and confused… if it’s so easy to walk-in-to and walk-out-of marriage. Why get married? So that you can say that you did it? How many marriages are successful? (I know they exist because I’ve seen them last 40-50 years) and the better question is how did they make it that long with all the bad influence we get from the web, tv and tabloids? Is it purely an accounting move? Or even better yet.. Why is everyone afraid of being single? As soon as someone is out of a relationship off they go with the whining about being single and how hard it is to find anyone… let me ask you this… if you can’t be content just living by yourself, how could you possibly fix that by bringing another person into the equation…

Signed,

Mr. Anonymous Reader

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Anonymous Reader,

First things first, both our Legal and Historical teams have informed us that nowhere in the constitution does it state

that everyone shall marry, buy a house, adopt a dog or two and start saving for retirement and buying life insurance before the age of 25 or even before securing a full time job? 

Secondly, we're almost certain that your counts are over exaggerated - if not a little, then a lot.

Thirdly, regarding the conversation with the ex:  bringing issues up and claiming that you don't care only solidifies the case that you do care.  To remedy the entire situation, we can only offer this simple, yet effective, piece of advice:

If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

Fourthly, we resent the comment:

Luckily I’m not a chick…otherwise I would be seriously overweight pending all the chocolate bars and sea salt vinegar flavored chips…. 

Ummm hi, excuse me - that's a grossly misinterpreted generalization brought about by means of the media with the cheesy Romantic Chick-Flicks.  We clearly eat Ben & Jerry's Rocky Road Ice Cream, put our hair in curlers, slap on a hideous tattered pink robe, curl up in front of the couch and watch The Notebook with a box of tissues handy.

Fifthly, if you're against engagements, marriages, parenthood, adult-like decisions and so on and so forth, then HOW can you also be against Divorce?  Alimony is ridiculous, I agree (unless I'm on the receiving end of it...)

We'll take a second to answer your long list of questions at the end.

Why get married?

Marriage is a sign of love, commitment and making babies - plain and simple.

So that you can say that you did it?

"Did" is past tense - most people don't go into marriage with the ultimate goal of getting divorced (unless you're trying to get citizenship or you're a gold-digger)

How many marriages are successful?

According to divorcerate.org, 40-50% of marriages end in divorce in the U.S. 

how did they make it that long with all the bad influence we get from the web, tv and tabloids?

Believe it or not, some people actually love each other and they really mean it when they say, "til death do us part."

Is it purely an accounting move?

Tax breaks for married couples are tempting but I highly doubt that this is the driving force behind marriages - with the exception of gold diggers and citizenship....diggers.

Or even better yet.. Why is everyone afraid of being single?

Because if movies have taught us anything, it's that the thought of dying alone is frightening.

Well, dear reader, I hope we put your mind at ease or at least scared you into trying to buy your citizenship.

Signed,

For the Love of Feria

Dear C Bandit,

This is my plea to you to stop your hair dye obsession. Yes, hair dye is cheap, but the reality is you do not need to spend your entire blogging savings on two boxes per month. Your hair and I plead with you to end this masquerade. No amount of boxes and plastic gloves will make your hair what you want it to be, whatever shade of wood that is.

The cheap dyes are the most tempting, you may contemplate how easy it would be to buy two boxes for the price of one higher quality brand. Don't fall victim to this ploy. You will continue to dye your hair every weekend until you use your savings, your hair is weakened, and your towels and pillow cases are all stained mahogany.

I've noticed your vocabulary expanding to include words such as roasted chestnut, toasted sesame, and even burnt teak. This was my first warning sign that the dye games have gone on too long.

The clerks at Rite Aid are worried about your habit ever since you started bringing in wood samples in for color matching. They even gave you false information to you when you coyly asked them, "What shade is your customer service desk called?" They didn't have the heart to tell you it was made out of plastic and no wood grain could be matched to it.

So please C bandit, put down the plastic gloves and tube of color protecting conditioner and take heed to this warning.

Rinse and Repeat,

E Bandit

Enter vomit [here]...

So here's a post that I never really finished...it's more of an unfinished thought than a complete post...I'm trying to make up for the lack of posts so I'm gonna give you every incomplete thought I can incompletely think of.

Pet Nicknames

Names that you give your partner/spouse/significant other.  Where do I start with this...I just don't like them.  To clarify, I don't mind the actual act of giving them a nickname, I mind it when it is used publicly, for the world to hear - whether we want to or not.  Posting things about your "schmoopy woopy" on FaceHook as a "personal message" is...how do I put this lightly...repulsive?  Like many of my other pet peeves, I'm not exactly sure why I dislike it, the simple fact is that I do.  I've compiled a list of nicknames and rated them on a scale of 1 to 10.  1 being the least annoying and therefore, ok to use and 10 being the most nauseating nickname ever.  If you should find yourself using these nicknames within earshot of another human being, better think twice and consider the company and take note if someone gags &/or throws up in their mouth (or on your shoe) - it might be me.

hun - 1 it's a normal nickname.  It kind of comes out involuntarily.

hunny - 2  again, normal.

babe - 5 is appropriate in some occasions.

sugar - 6 how sweet.

buttercup - 7 no thanks.

boo - 7 pretty irritating.

baby - 8 not in public.

baby doll - 8 not so cute.

hunny bunny - 8 sick.  If you call me this, I might have to kick you.

munchkin - 8 only cute for kids. 

cupcake - 8 again, only cute for kids.

baby cakes - 9 doesn't make any sense!

snookums - 9 gross.

sugar lips - 9 yuck.

pooh bear - 9 how do you say that without vomiting?

poopsy - 9 that's not even cute for a kid.

bubba - 10 not until recently did this nickname enter my radar and I gotta say...it's not cute unless it's in the privacy of your own home.  And even then, it's iffy.  Although, for kids, it's fine.

schmoopy - 10 why?

schmoopy woopy - 12 no.

I know this couple and they use one of the nicknames a lot.  I'm sure you can guess which one it is.  It's pretty deeee-sgusting.  They're the kind of couple that likes to flaunt their relationship.  I'm not sure if it's to mask the fact that their relationship is far less than perfect (I've heard things).  I guess that's fine - they're in love, we get it.  I really just kind of wish I never noticed their PDA because it probably wouldn't bug me as much if I didn't bring it to my own attention but I don't have a time machine.     

Dear Unsatisfied Customer

[In response to previous post below]

Snee Zee Allergy, Inc.

4637 Pollen Lane

Grassville, Oklahoma

May 21, 2010

K. Bandit

Unknown Address

Dear Unsatisfied Customer:

We are committed to making you, the consumer, feel as though you are our number one priority.  It is our job to invade your system and create runny noses, itchy eyes and nasal congestion.  Without our services, you might actually enjoy the Spring and Summer seasons and this is against everything we believe in; we simply cannot allow it.  

We are unclear as to how you slipped past our radar for 26 years, but we can assure you, we have our best and brightest looking into it.  Do not fret - we will make up for lost time.  And to show that we mean business, we'll throw in some sinus pressure for good measure!

We hope to keep your business as long as possible.  As our dedicated staff works day and night to make sure you're as uncomfortable as you can possibly be, please help yourself to free samples of conjunctivitis [limit 2 per customer].

 Sincerly,

Team Allergene

Bringing you allergies since the dawn of time.

Dear Mr. Allergy

Ding Ding

FIGHT!

So the time is drawing closer.  I'm about to embark on another attempt at getting my Master's degree...  This aint no joke folks;  I'm for the reals gonna do it.  Now, whether I finish or not is as yet to be determined.

It seems as though grad school aint all bananas and dancing as one would be led to believe. [Quote is Trademarked and property of Boomerang Bandits.  It is not to be used by any persons not affiliated with the Boomerang Bandits Brand.]

If you're thinking about continuing your education, be S-M-R-T about it and consider your options.  Learn from my mistakes...

If you're burnt out from 4 (or 5) years of undergraduate...probably isn't a great idea to dive right into another 1 - 3 more years of school (depending on the intensity of your degree/program).  It'll drain your already dead battery beyond repair.

Do your research good and hard before considering what school you want.  Spare no expense!  You could end up in Clown University where you're taught by baboons and you're surrounded by No Talent Ass Clowns.  Witness the drawing below which I actually drew IN class WHILST surrounded by clowns as Professor Bananas attempted to explain various species of wood -- quite enthusiastically, I might add.

Any way you slice it, it's going to cost a fortune to become a "master" in your field.  Either find a company willing to foot the bill with you OR find the most expensive program you can find and take out the max student loans as possible.  SIMPLE LOGIC!  If you're going to go, might as well go for the best right?!? right? Ok so maybe it's faulty logic... When you're thinking about paying for school, paying for everything else never really enters your mind.  All you're concerned about is the Tuition.  But here comes Mr. Other Expenses waiting just around the corner ready to kick you square in the taco just as soon as you, yourself, have rounded said corner.  Oh Mr. M.O.E... I do hate you so.

Be for DAMN sure it is something you want to do before you go.  Because at the end of the day, when you're 46 years old and you've paid off only 40% of your student loans, if you're not doing what you've set out to do...you've just bought a house without actually buying a house.  I guess if this is the case, I'm the proud owner of a modest-sized fixer-upper and I'm lookin' to upgrade. 

There's a wee bit of positive in all of this though.  You not only walk away with a paper declaring your Mastery, you walk away with the shear satisfaction that you've completed (in my case) 23 YEARS of schooling.  All the projects, all the papers, all the sleepless nights, gallons upon gallons of soda and truck loads of Little Debbie snack cakes which you have convinced yourself is an honest meal - they have all lead to one moment of achievement.   You can take that tassle, show it who's boss and bring it on over to the other side with pride.  This is all good and well until you realize your loan statements are stalking you - ready to pounce once you think you're in the clear.  Not to worry though, I just read the Rules/Guidelines of mine and found out the following:

"Any debt not paid off after 25 years is forgiven"

Hells yeah!  You know what my first purchase will be if my student loans are forgiven?  A freakin' yacht!  A 50-ft, 3-story, gold-plated, diamond-encrusted yacht!

Of course, everyone's in a different situation - I can only speak from my experiences and what I have recently convinced myself as the only way to do it.  Aint no turnin' back.  I've made several deposits and several visits.  I even made it official and listed it on FaceHook...once it's on FH, it's for real.

I'm hoping I'll come up with great material in the years to come and I'll have this blog to share/vent.  My first round of grad school wasn't exactly a pleasant experience.  If we're speaking in Mortal Kombat fighting terms, as I'm pretty sure we have been, it was a K.O - Mortal Fatality.  It was a dazed-out spinning with birdies flying around my head, teeth on the floor, haven't even made a swing, KNOCK OUT.

 

AMAZING graphics!  I know!

I've always been good at repressing my memories and my brain, as backed up as it can get, is in the process of repressing round 1.  It was an all-around horrible experience for me.  Bad timing.  Bad Professors.  Bad Location.  Bad weather.  Bad company (with the exception of a few). Bad Financial Aid Advisor.   Bad program.  Baaaaad Baaaaad Baaaad 1st Semester Bill. Just...bad.

On that note, stay tuned for my adventures!  I'm sure there will be plenty to bitch about.

A Word from K Bandit

After our long, (unannounced) break, the Boomerang Bandits return with a word from our sponsor: the K Bandit.

The Brits

I have turned to the BBC since I have apparently exhausted my American TV options.  Pretty sad I know…  These shows are brass, honest and very sarcastic.  I have found a new love.  My favorite is the teen drama Skins.  I am also thoroughly enjoying Extras (with the Hilarious Ricky Gervais) and Doctor Who (A Sy Fy show that is made in the true SyFy fashion – with a great story lines, outrageous characters, and silly special effects).  From this exploration into this new entertainment venue, I have come to a very important conclusion.  The Brits have a much cooler vocabulary than we do.

My Favorites…

1.       Wanker – Why oh why do we not use this word in America.  It’s great!  You get to express the fact that this person is being a douche without sounding brass, using a body image (which us Americans so often turn to) or ignorant/offensive.

2.       Shag – I love how it rolls off of your tongue so nonchalantly and it is such a better way to express that action that they f-word.

3.       Splif – Just sounds better that joint.

4.       Flat – When you hear this word you automatically picture some cool studio loft in some awesome urban area.  What word do we use in its place: apartment.  The imagery that arises from this word is just not the same.

5.       Mate – “Me and by best mate are going out for some pints”.. Much cooler than “My friends and I are going out for some beers”.  No other explanation needed.

6.       Arse, Bum, Brilliant, Dodgy, Fancy, & Blimey  – Much more sophisticated  than our American Counter parts

7.       Bloody – This is a great accent word that the Brits tag onto anything to add a little umfff to their cursing or excitement.  Bloody Hell – freaking awesome.. I would love to use this but as an American without the cool accent I would probably sound silly.

Thank you youtube and BBC America (although sadly you edit it more than in the UK) for bringing these wonderful shows into my life.   

Signed,

TV, where are you!?!?

They say that ridding television from your life is supposed to be liberating...I say life without tv is not a life worth living.  Drastic?  Maybe.  I've been without tv for aboot 6 days and I'm literally going out of my mind.  What is there to do when you can't watch tv you ask?  Well since I haven't got a life, um...that'd be zilch.  Sure I could be a productive and contributing member of society, but where's the fun in that?  I want to be on my couch channel surfing until the sun comes up.  I want to know what the secret ingredient is on Iron Chef.  I want to watch half-wits try to answer "common knowledge" questions in the Cash Cab.  But how can I do this if I can't get no reception? 

I thank the big man upstairs for granting me with internet access because otherwise...who knows.  I've found a way to watch most of my shows online for free...I mean...I pay?  Anyways, the drawback is that I have to wait until the next day (or several hours later -ahhh agony!) to catch my shows.  Tonight is Thursday though and I'm sad that I won't be able to watch the lineup until tomorrow...why God? WHY?

Don't fret all, I'll live.  Those movie machines outside the grocery store are a God-send.  Over the past few days, I've watched Up in the Air, The Invention of Lying, 500 Days of Summer and Alice in Wonderland.  I suppose it's better than being completely cut off from technology but it's not as great as FRIENDS and Seinfeld repeats.  It's a bit of a stick in my spoke though because I've gotten used to watching (and falling asleep to) Roseanne and Buffy in the wee hours of the morning.  What's better than waking up in the middle of the night to Buffy's witty banter as she's kicking vampire ass?  Nothing.

Hilarious.  I miss that show...

I think we get our cable back tomorrow - life will resume as per usual.  In the meantime, I guess I'll have to settle for free Hulu shows with commercials - blah!  

And another pointless short post from C Bandit.

You're welcome.

21...20...19...18...

So, I haven't exactly been writing as often as I should but I'm almost positive that people read this blog about as often as there are posts (hint: rarely).  I'll keep this one short and simple - it's more or less a "status update" for FaceHook but since I can't go on there just yet, I'm doing it via this blog. 

 

Ahhhh!!! Lent officially ends on April 3rd.  April 3rd is officially 22 minutes away...  I only broke one of the three things that I gave up and that was purely accidental.

I have not had a drop of pop, nor have I been on Facehook for 44 days and counting.  Remember when I said that Lent was 40 days?  Yeah well, as I lost count of the days, I noticed my nifty counter has exceeded 40 days.  Guess what, they don't count Sundays.  BOOM!  And now you know.  I have to be honest though, I haven't missed FaceHook at all.  I'm going to check it tomorrow for good measure but I'll probably not check it as often. 

Candy and pop, on the other hand, I have missed dearly.  There are substitutes for candy like fruit snacks (some people consider that cheating but if you don't buy it from the candy aisle, I don't consider it cheating - "aint nothin' like the real thang baby") but there are no substitutes for pop.

Things to do tomorrow:

• Chug a 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper
• Purchase bags of Easter Candy and pretend they're for my children and their last-minute Easter Baskets.
• Makeout with FaceHook but tell him that it doesn't mean we're back together and I think we should just be distant acquaintances.

Check and Check!

I have a problem...

I'm ashamed to say that I think I have a problem.  It's a rising epidemic...I'm sure.  I know that there's a cure but, like many addicts, I refuse to seek treatment because I don't think the problem is that bad.  Ok, so I find every opportunity to get my latest installment, who doesn't?!?  I think about purchasing things all the time.  When I'm online, 7 times out of 10, I've got something in my shopping cart.  I've memorized my credit card number for faster transactions - don't you know yours?  So maybe I literally just bought something cool for my computer and a sleep therapy machine and maybe I randomly thought about buying an acoustic guitar for shits and giggs...and suddenly I'm thinking about buying a miniature dog...maybe my bank statement reads like a Dear Santa, please buy me unnecessary crap list...Yes...maybe I have a problem...I decided to google it and face the problem head on because you and I both know that there is a name for every disorder/addiction/phobia imaginable.  Facebook Addiction Disorder (FAD).  Genuphobia: Fear of knees. This particular disorder is called omniomania.  With further research, I found that there are support groups for such a disorder and yes, ironically, you can buy books on the issue.  But I took an online quiz and, as my fears surface, I'm happy to say, my problem isn't that bad (yet).

Do you quite often feel the urge to go shopping when you are low or depressed? 

nope - mostly when I'm bored.

Do you get high from shopping? 

not really, that costs extra.

Do you frequently walk away from a store with many more purchases than you had intended to make? 

yes - mostly when I go to Target.

Are your credit cards almost to their limit or maxed out? 

thankfully no.

Are you unable to resist a sale or bargain? 

it depends on the balance of my bank account

Do you ignore family or work responsibilities so you can go shopping? 

in the age of online shopping, I can multitask.

Do you try to hid your purchases or even lie about them to family and loved ones? 

sometimes...but I don't know why.

Do you buy a lot of things that you end up not even using? 

nope - everything is usually 1/2 way open as I'm leaving the store.

Do you leave price tags on items so you can turn around and return them? 

no, it takes time and energy to do that.

Do you feel a sense of guilt or shame after some of your shopping trips? 

not normally

Do you go on buying binges that you feel are beyond your control? 

no?

Do you quite often buy things that you know you cannot afford? 

not...often.

Are you unable to resist a sale or bargain? 

I think you already asked this question.

Would you rather shop than engage in other hobbies or recreational activities? 

sometimes - but I count shopping as a hobby.

When you buy for others do you always pick up a little something for yourself? 

of course.

Has your excessive shopping habits ever resulted in credit problems or even legal action? 

not yet.

Survey says...You scored 3.0 (scoring range: 0-15) 

"In answering "No" to most of these questions, it is unlikely that you have a shopping addiction."

The Adventures of C Bandit & the Infant

So watching a child is more difficult than it seems.  It's not like what you see on television.  You actually have to be responsible.  You have to feed them, clothe them, bathe them, entertain them.  It's very rewarding to put them down for the night knowing you achieved what needed to be done.

And the main events of the week of substitute-motherhood were as follows:

Monday

• (2) trips to the grocery store
• (1) trip to the car wash  

Tuesday

• (1) trip to the grocery store
• (1) dinner in crock pot
• (1) trip to the snow covered park on this balmy 54 degree day.
• Lock thyself and child out of house - CHECK ****
• (5) hrs until the dinner in crock pot burns.
• (1.5) hours walking around the house like a burglar, looking for unlocked windows/doors
• (10) Attempts to unlock the door using a trick that I thought I learned on Burn Notice but actually learned it on YouTube

• (10) Failed attempts and (1) bent key.
• (1) trip to McDonald's
• (8) calls & texts to people with access to a key or the number of someone with a key.
• (1) trip to Whole Foods to burn time.
• (1) refreshing 1.5 mi walk around the block (yes, that's about all I can handle before deeming a walk unwalkable.)
• (1) little boy's nap schedule completely thrown off by the days events.

****  [Due to the simple fact that I watch more than the doctor recommended amount of Law & Order: SVU, I have become an increasingly paranoid person.  8 out of 10 shows display some form of B & E (breaking and entering) and I don't really want to become a victim to that so I lock an unnecessary amount of doors thinking I'm going to prevent it from happening.  Also, in addition to my paranoia, with the lack of adult supervision this week, you'd better believe I would go to the extremes of placing large furniture and/or mattresses in front of the entrances.  Needless to say, I locked a door that I forgot to unlock upon exiting said door...]

Wednesday

• (1) morning nap
• (1) trip to the mall.  Destination: food court play area.
• (10) glances from surrounding mothers which I can only assume they are thinking, "No ring and a baby...that 15yr old girl really screwed up."
• (1) bored baby

Thursday

• a whole lot of nothing.
• (1) unscheduled diaper rash

Friday

• (1) morning nap
• (1) trip to Meijer's for diaper rash medicine
• (1) cart full of random things 
• (1) trip home with random things
• (1) bag full of random things but no diaper rash medicine because apparently I forgot what the purpose of the trip was...

Saturday

• (5) hours of finding a way to waste time after getting kicked out of the house from future tenants.
• (10) jelly beans until I realized I gave up candy for lent...

This week has been interesting and surprisingly relaxing.  I used to want three or four kids and then recently, none.  But I think I could handle one child.  The hours aren't favorable but it's worth it right?

Anyways, I learned a few things this week:

1. ALWAYS, always, always check the doors or get a hide-a-key so as not to lock myself out of the house.
2. Make a list of things to get when going to the store - especially when you're planning on getting something specific.
3. Babies don't like sitting in shopping carts for long periods of time.

Let's Make a Deal

"I've got to buy a laptop."

"No really, I've got to buy a laptop...this is becoming ridiculous."

This was actually my conversation that I have been having with myself over the last couple months about my desperate need for a laptop. I have been using my desktop which is slower than a mouse on weed and my Iphone which I'm pretty sure is the crappiest way to view webpages ever. I set off to the stores to compare prices. I saw some that were way too small for what I needed them for. Others were too large, and some were just bulky. I explained to the tech guru who worked at the electronics store that I needed it for a specific reason. I told her I need it to be fast. I need it to store pictures and music and be very reliable. I also mentioned it needed to be somewhat portable and good on battery life. After a few choices were dangled in front of my eyes I decided on one winner.

I did it. I bought it. Behold...the convenience of...a laptop.

C Bandit urged me over the years to join her in the new millenium to which I simply scoffed and saved my pennies and enjoyed the savings accrue in my far away retirement fund. To me it was a frivolous expenditure. If I already had a desktop computer why do I need another one? Recently, however, I came to the conclusion that for one very good reason I do in fact need to buy a laptop. If not for this blog for a very special reason.




My name is Ebandit and I am an online dater.



It's true I need it for a more convenient way to online date. I have been venturing into the online dating galaxy, p.s. don't assume that there's any intelligent life in this galaxy, on and off for a while now. I've had Mr. Pink and Smelly Jersey Pushover boy and now I am looking for my next blog's material. Each dating experience becomes more hilarious and more worthy of blog posting. But to reel in this goldmine of material; in order to write these phenominal, hilarious, brilliant blogs; I must acquire the right equipment. Cue: the new accessory to Ebandit, the new laptop.








So readers...on I go into the dating galaxy in order to rustle up more hilarious stories for your entertainment.








C U L8R...E bAnDiT

Baby think it over

Remember those baby dolls from health class?  Those "infant simulators" that they send home with you for a week to simulate taking care of a child?  Well I'm about to encounter the real deal y'all.  If I hadn't told you already, I'm currently a nanny for my three nephews; ages 4, 3 and 16mths.  Let me just tell you that boys...wow...it's like they're jacked up on Mountain Dew 24/7 - but not in the good way.  Anyways, the two older boys have the privilege of taking a journey to the magic that is Disney World next week.  The youngest, because of his nap schedule and the fact that these three kids need man-to-man coverage, will be in my custody for the week.

First off, let me just say that the youngest, in comparison to the other two, is the easiest kid to take care of by a mile.  I don't know what it is about boys but it seems that, with the older two, when you put them in a room together, it's like mixing oil and water, cats and dogs, aluminum foil and a microwave...they just function better separately.  I guess that's normal but it's not easy to deal with when they have selective hearing or just down right don't listen to you.  So, as you can imagine, a week of not watching them is one less week of headaches.  Don't get me wrong, I love them but they really test my patience to no end.

Back to the point - next week, I'm going to turn in my, "24 going on 15" t-shirt and put on the "24 going on 30(ish)" cardigan.  Not that I think you have to be 30 to have a kid, but on the track I've chosen to take, I'll be lucky if I'm 30 when (and if) I have a child.  I mean, let's face it, when I buy clothes, I'm not exactly playing my age.  I can't help that I likes me the tshirts and the tenni's.  In addition to not dressing my age, I enjoy questionable books, movies and television shows for a girl my age: Confessions of a Shopaholic, She's the Man, and That's So Raven, respectively.  But I digress.  The point that I'm trying to make is that I'm far from being at that point in my life where I believe I can be considered an "adult."  So when I tell you that next week will be a true test for me, it really will be.  I watch these kids on a daily basis but I always have that safety net of knowing their parents are in the other room if I should need assistance.  It's not like someone asked me to water their plants while they're out of town.  I'm going to be looking after a living, breathing human being.  From sun up to sun down, I will have to look after him.

I don't really know what we're going to do during the week.

I would imagine we'll be shopping often.

Probably play outside if it's nice.

Maybe watch a talkie or two.

Who knows?!?  Stay tuned for the adventures of C Bandit and "the infant"

Olympic Gold

I've never really been a huge fan of the Olympics - Summer or Winter.  I vaguely remember watching them as a child, but I don't think I invested more than an hour to watching them.  Although, I do recall being partial to the figure skating back when good ol' Scott Hamilton, Bryan Boitano and Kristi Yamaguchi were wowing the world with their triple axels and their back flips.  My active duty as an American to watch the games thereafter, however, dropped off over the years to a shameful zero hours of logged viewing time.

There's something different about the 2008 Summer Olympics and the 2010 Winter Olympics though.  I have a theory - I think the Olympic Committee had a global pow-wow and decided they needed to get good looking athletes in order to draw in more viewers.  This is the only conclusion I've come up with.  I mean, can you think of a better explanation??  The ratings for the games have gone through the roof.  It could be because they've been playing nonstop Olympic coverage on NBC, CNBC, MSNBC and even on the USA Network.  They pretty much force you to watch the games much like they force you to watch coverage of the Presidential Address as they hijack everything from NBC to QVC.

But never have I ever watched as much curling as I have these past two weeks.  As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever, in my 24 years of life, watched a round...or game...or match?  of curling.  And guess what - it's kind of amazing.  Curling puts Ice Dancing to shame.  It's like a combination of bocce ball and darts on ice (with brooms).  I never really thought I would find myself gasping in astonishment as I watch a game of curling but I did last night when I watched the Canadian women lose to Sweden.  That was intense!  Not quite as intense as watching 80 yr. old Brett Favre throw his shot at the Superbowl away in the game of his lifetime, but nevertheless, it was an intense match.  Now, I don't really know anything about the rules of the game but in my opinion, the men play with a lot more strategy than the women do and therefore, it is more interesting to watch the men's curling.  Let's not forget about my theory of good looking athletes.  Check it out the curlers:

Other Sports:

Looking at this fine panel of athletes I say, not bad, not bad at all.  We should have the Olympics more often.  Am I right, am I right?  Searching on the NBC Olympic site for athletes to put in this post felt like I was searching through Match.com candidates.  More importantly, I have discovered that all of these men that I have selected have their hair styled very similarly...is that odd?

Anyways, I guess the moral of the story is to say that there's a lot more to the Winter Olympics than one would think.  Skill, Speed, and Experience aside, there are a lot of good lookin' athletes underneath those layers of lycra.

THISSSS....is AmERiCAN Idol.

Ok so if I don't know if I've addressed it yet but I'm very much against reality shows.  The "Real" World, The Hills, Jersey Shore, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Kardashians, yada yada yada, you name it, chances are, I do everything in my power to avoid watching or hearing about these, so-called, reality shows.  I don't understand, after all these years, why society is so fascinated by most of these shows.  HOWEVER, I'm a bit of a hypocrite in that I have made some exceptions and allowed some reality-esque shows to seep into my list of DVR'd shows.  And the shows are as follows: 

• Man vs. Wild  I'm actually not sure if this is considered a reality show because it's not what comes to mind when you think of a reality show right?  But it's not scripted...so I'm going to call it a reality show.  Who wouldn't want to watch Bear Grylls eat nasty things, climb down a gushing waterfall and carve out the innards of a rotting camel for shelter?!?  I'm going to be SO prepared if ever I find myself stranded in the Sahara.

• Bizarre Foods Again, virtually unscripted and borderline-reality depending on your definition of a reality show.  And again, watching a man eat nasty things that most of the world wouldn't dare touch is just amusing.  I'm an oddly queasy person and often happen to be watching this show as I am eating but I still enjoy it.  That man really likes ears...it's a little disturbing. 

• Project Runway I have my Winter in Orlando to thank for hooking me.  One incredibly boring weekend and a chance channel flip to Bravo landed me on a PR Marathon of the century.  It had to be a good 20-hour marathon (if not longer) and I didn't miss a minute of it.  If I had a dollar for every time a male designer cried on that show, I would be rich!

• American Idol I have to admit, I used to hate AI for the shear fact that it was a reality show but, after years of having it on in the background whilst pretending to study and having it on my trusty DVR, I can attribute this newly found addiction to my old roommate.  Thanks.  I've technically only seen one entire season which was last season.  I'm working on season numero 2 which is really season number 9...I have to say, the auditions are amazingly entertaining.  But with Simon gone next season, I'm almost positive this show is done for.  In the meantime though, I'm actually watching the first results show as I type this post and I have to add that the group sing-along songs that they do to kill time are hilarious and cheesy.  I'm not really that impressed with the first round of performances but since it makes my stomach turn just thinking about performing in general, I have to hand it to them, some of them can really belt one out.  With that said, I thought I would try a little predictory and name my fav and non-fav contestants.

GIRLS

 Crystal Bowersox - very talented instrumentally and vocally.

Hayley Vaughn - very annoying - got to go.

GUYS

Andrew Garcia - I youtube'd his Straight Up rendition and I'm a huge fan of his funky remixes.  

Also, I can't help but notice his neck tatt - very classy.

Tyler Grady - I don't know what it is about this guy but he bugs me. 

[and...poo...before I finished this post, he was kicked off.]

So, there you have it.  These are my predictions and so far one has already come true.  The top guy and top girl though...it's going to be a tight race because I like them both equally.  I'm gonna pull for both of them until I lose a player.  Although it's still too early in the game to name a winner.