I have a problem...

I'm ashamed to say that I think I have a problem.  It's a rising epidemic...I'm sure.  I know that there's a cure but, like many addicts, I refuse to seek treatment because I don't think the problem is that bad.  Ok, so I find every opportunity to get my latest installment, who doesn't?!?  I think about purchasing things all the time.  When I'm online, 7 times out of 10, I've got something in my shopping cart.  I've memorized my credit card number for faster transactions - don't you know yours?  So maybe I literally just bought something cool for my computer and a sleep therapy machine and maybe I randomly thought about buying an acoustic guitar for shits and giggs...and suddenly I'm thinking about buying a miniature dog...maybe my bank statement reads like a Dear Santa, please buy me unnecessary crap list...Yes...maybe I have a problem...I decided to google it and face the problem head on because you and I both know that there is a name for every disorder/addiction/phobia imaginable.  Facebook Addiction Disorder (FAD).  Genuphobia: Fear of knees. This particular disorder is called omniomania.  With further research, I found that there are support groups for such a disorder and yes, ironically, you can buy books on the issue.  But I took an online quiz and, as my fears surface, I'm happy to say, my problem isn't that bad (yet).

Do you quite often feel the urge to go shopping when you are low or depressed? 

nope - mostly when I'm bored.

Do you get high from shopping? 

not really, that costs extra.

Do you frequently walk away from a store with many more purchases than you had intended to make? 

yes - mostly when I go to Target.

Are your credit cards almost to their limit or maxed out? 

thankfully no.

Are you unable to resist a sale or bargain? 

it depends on the balance of my bank account

Do you ignore family or work responsibilities so you can go shopping? 

in the age of online shopping, I can multitask.

Do you try to hid your purchases or even lie about them to family and loved ones? 

sometimes...but I don't know why.

Do you buy a lot of things that you end up not even using? 

nope - everything is usually 1/2 way open as I'm leaving the store.

Do you leave price tags on items so you can turn around and return them? 

no, it takes time and energy to do that.

Do you feel a sense of guilt or shame after some of your shopping trips? 

not normally

Do you go on buying binges that you feel are beyond your control? 

no?

Do you quite often buy things that you know you cannot afford? 

not...often.

Are you unable to resist a sale or bargain? 

I think you already asked this question.

Would you rather shop than engage in other hobbies or recreational activities? 

sometimes - but I count shopping as a hobby.

When you buy for others do you always pick up a little something for yourself? 

of course.

Has your excessive shopping habits ever resulted in credit problems or even legal action? 

not yet.

Survey says...You scored 3.0 (scoring range: 0-15) 

"In answering "No" to most of these questions, it is unlikely that you have a shopping addiction."

The Adventures of C Bandit & the Infant

So watching a child is more difficult than it seems.  It's not like what you see on television.  You actually have to be responsible.  You have to feed them, clothe them, bathe them, entertain them.  It's very rewarding to put them down for the night knowing you achieved what needed to be done.

And the main events of the week of substitute-motherhood were as follows:

Monday

• (2) trips to the grocery store
• (1) trip to the car wash  

Tuesday

• (1) trip to the grocery store
• (1) dinner in crock pot
• (1) trip to the snow covered park on this balmy 54 degree day.
• Lock thyself and child out of house - CHECK ****
• (5) hrs until the dinner in crock pot burns.
• (1.5) hours walking around the house like a burglar, looking for unlocked windows/doors
• (10) Attempts to unlock the door using a trick that I thought I learned on Burn Notice but actually learned it on YouTube

• (10) Failed attempts and (1) bent key.
• (1) trip to McDonald's
• (8) calls & texts to people with access to a key or the number of someone with a key.
• (1) trip to Whole Foods to burn time.
• (1) refreshing 1.5 mi walk around the block (yes, that's about all I can handle before deeming a walk unwalkable.)
• (1) little boy's nap schedule completely thrown off by the days events.

****  [Due to the simple fact that I watch more than the doctor recommended amount of Law & Order: SVU, I have become an increasingly paranoid person.  8 out of 10 shows display some form of B & E (breaking and entering) and I don't really want to become a victim to that so I lock an unnecessary amount of doors thinking I'm going to prevent it from happening.  Also, in addition to my paranoia, with the lack of adult supervision this week, you'd better believe I would go to the extremes of placing large furniture and/or mattresses in front of the entrances.  Needless to say, I locked a door that I forgot to unlock upon exiting said door...]

Wednesday

• (1) morning nap
• (1) trip to the mall.  Destination: food court play area.
• (10) glances from surrounding mothers which I can only assume they are thinking, "No ring and a baby...that 15yr old girl really screwed up."
• (1) bored baby

Thursday

• a whole lot of nothing.
• (1) unscheduled diaper rash

Friday

• (1) morning nap
• (1) trip to Meijer's for diaper rash medicine
• (1) cart full of random things 
• (1) trip home with random things
• (1) bag full of random things but no diaper rash medicine because apparently I forgot what the purpose of the trip was...

Saturday

• (5) hours of finding a way to waste time after getting kicked out of the house from future tenants.
• (10) jelly beans until I realized I gave up candy for lent...

This week has been interesting and surprisingly relaxing.  I used to want three or four kids and then recently, none.  But I think I could handle one child.  The hours aren't favorable but it's worth it right?

Anyways, I learned a few things this week:

1. ALWAYS, always, always check the doors or get a hide-a-key so as not to lock myself out of the house.
2. Make a list of things to get when going to the store - especially when you're planning on getting something specific.
3. Babies don't like sitting in shopping carts for long periods of time.

Let's Make a Deal

"I've got to buy a laptop."

"No really, I've got to buy a laptop...this is becoming ridiculous."

This was actually my conversation that I have been having with myself over the last couple months about my desperate need for a laptop. I have been using my desktop which is slower than a mouse on weed and my Iphone which I'm pretty sure is the crappiest way to view webpages ever. I set off to the stores to compare prices. I saw some that were way too small for what I needed them for. Others were too large, and some were just bulky. I explained to the tech guru who worked at the electronics store that I needed it for a specific reason. I told her I need it to be fast. I need it to store pictures and music and be very reliable. I also mentioned it needed to be somewhat portable and good on battery life. After a few choices were dangled in front of my eyes I decided on one winner.

I did it. I bought it. Behold...the convenience of...a laptop.

C Bandit urged me over the years to join her in the new millenium to which I simply scoffed and saved my pennies and enjoyed the savings accrue in my far away retirement fund. To me it was a frivolous expenditure. If I already had a desktop computer why do I need another one? Recently, however, I came to the conclusion that for one very good reason I do in fact need to buy a laptop. If not for this blog for a very special reason.




My name is Ebandit and I am an online dater.



It's true I need it for a more convenient way to online date. I have been venturing into the online dating galaxy, p.s. don't assume that there's any intelligent life in this galaxy, on and off for a while now. I've had Mr. Pink and Smelly Jersey Pushover boy and now I am looking for my next blog's material. Each dating experience becomes more hilarious and more worthy of blog posting. But to reel in this goldmine of material; in order to write these phenominal, hilarious, brilliant blogs; I must acquire the right equipment. Cue: the new accessory to Ebandit, the new laptop.








So readers...on I go into the dating galaxy in order to rustle up more hilarious stories for your entertainment.








C U L8R...E bAnDiT

Baby think it over

Remember those baby dolls from health class?  Those "infant simulators" that they send home with you for a week to simulate taking care of a child?  Well I'm about to encounter the real deal y'all.  If I hadn't told you already, I'm currently a nanny for my three nephews; ages 4, 3 and 16mths.  Let me just tell you that boys...wow...it's like they're jacked up on Mountain Dew 24/7 - but not in the good way.  Anyways, the two older boys have the privilege of taking a journey to the magic that is Disney World next week.  The youngest, because of his nap schedule and the fact that these three kids need man-to-man coverage, will be in my custody for the week.

First off, let me just say that the youngest, in comparison to the other two, is the easiest kid to take care of by a mile.  I don't know what it is about boys but it seems that, with the older two, when you put them in a room together, it's like mixing oil and water, cats and dogs, aluminum foil and a microwave...they just function better separately.  I guess that's normal but it's not easy to deal with when they have selective hearing or just down right don't listen to you.  So, as you can imagine, a week of not watching them is one less week of headaches.  Don't get me wrong, I love them but they really test my patience to no end.

Back to the point - next week, I'm going to turn in my, "24 going on 15" t-shirt and put on the "24 going on 30(ish)" cardigan.  Not that I think you have to be 30 to have a kid, but on the track I've chosen to take, I'll be lucky if I'm 30 when (and if) I have a child.  I mean, let's face it, when I buy clothes, I'm not exactly playing my age.  I can't help that I likes me the tshirts and the tenni's.  In addition to not dressing my age, I enjoy questionable books, movies and television shows for a girl my age: Confessions of a Shopaholic, She's the Man, and That's So Raven, respectively.  But I digress.  The point that I'm trying to make is that I'm far from being at that point in my life where I believe I can be considered an "adult."  So when I tell you that next week will be a true test for me, it really will be.  I watch these kids on a daily basis but I always have that safety net of knowing their parents are in the other room if I should need assistance.  It's not like someone asked me to water their plants while they're out of town.  I'm going to be looking after a living, breathing human being.  From sun up to sun down, I will have to look after him.

I don't really know what we're going to do during the week.

I would imagine we'll be shopping often.

Probably play outside if it's nice.

Maybe watch a talkie or two.

Who knows?!?  Stay tuned for the adventures of C Bandit and "the infant"