Ring in the [last] New Year

It's that time of year again.  The time when you think, "well, now is a better time than ever to make a resolution and stick to it for at least 3 weeks."  I can't remember if I made any last year.  As a matter of fact, I can't remember what I did last year.  This year, oh buddy, THIS year, will be the same as most years.  I'm going to make a few resolutions that I will attempt to stick to.  I'm still banking on the Apocalypse happening this year [hence the title] - it would rid a lot of debt...but if it doesn't happen, well then I had better attempt to be a better person...And here we go...

1. The cliché : Diet - It's no mystery that I don't eat healthy foods.  My cholesterol is likely through the roof and I'm well on my way to early onset diabetes (whatever that means).  My sodium intake is enough to kill a cow.  That's assuming that cows can die from an excess of sodium...  Nothing in my fridge (when I actually get around to buying food from a grocery store) is low fat or fat free.  Rarely are the veggie and fruit drawers ever used for veggies and fruits.  I choose fast food to a packed lunch any day of the week.  Not because I think everyone will think I'm a loser who packs her lunch pfffffttt!!! I'm 26, that's only 15% of my worries.  My inability to pack my lunch ties back to my lack of grocery shopping.  The fact of the matter is, I'm too lazy to shop and cook for myself (also one of the many reasons why I wouldn't get a pet - if I can't feed myself, why the hell would I feed another living creature that sheds and doesn't speak my language?!?)  For these reasons, and also the previously mentioned "adult-status" age of 26, I should prooooobably start acting and living like an adult.
2. Sweeeeeet Tooth: closely related to the previous resolution, I eat a lot of sweets.  Basically what I'm saying is, I eat like I don't gain a single pound from it; the difference between people who do that and can do that and me is that I shouldn't do that because...I actually gain weight from it.  I'm not delusional, I don't look at my ill-fitted jeans and wonder how on earth I shrunk them...No no.  I KNOW the water settings are different on every washer and these jeans that I've owned for years have miraculously decided to reject these specific water settings...that's the only explanation.  Anyhow, when I hit the candy shelf before every class and disrupt the lectures with the crackling and the rustling of my skittle bag as my index finger and my middle finger act as tweezers or tongs grabbing at the last skittle in the bag and my mouth looks like a rainbow threw up in it...it's probably time for me to reevaluate my life.  My sugar intake, like my sodium, is dangerously high.  It's time for a change.  Moderation. Moderation.
3. DUG THIS ONE OUT OF THE DRAFT BIN BUT IT STILL APPLIES:
   Junior or Misses?
   So...I think my "Life Handbook" was lost in the mail...If I had it, I'd search in the Table of Contents for the "Dress Code".  At exactly what age are you supposed to dress like an "adult?"   I'd kind of like to know.  When do I have to hang up the t-shirts and break out the blouses??  Must I trade my low-rises for Mom-jeans?  Do I have to throw away my oversized-Pubcrawl t-shirt-boxer shorts-sleepwear for matching top and bottom Pajamas?!?  Am I too old for my favorite pair of Chuck Taylors.  Do I have to start shopping in the "Lady Loafer" section???  When I begin to see over the heads of the shoppers in American Eagle and ask for a double-digit size, does that mean I need to shop in Ann Taylor? 
   
   
   Please!  Won't someone tell me?!?  If I have to skip the Juniors department and shop in the Misses section, I'm almost 102% positive that I will NOT be a happy camper.  You and your gypsy skirt can get the hell outta here!  Okay, okay, I'm being a bit drastic.  But the question remains - at what expense?  At the expense of my comfort?  I can dress like an adult without looking like I have one foot in the Nursing Home.  But know this - you will not catch me carrying around a hand-knit over-the-shoulder purse anytime in the near future.  I refuse to conform to these societal norms.  I refuse! 

   
   

   Often I silently laugh at the women who choose to get dolled up for the grocery store. They wear heels and "normal clothes" and I want to never be that woman.  That's just dumb.  But I mean, they COULD be headed to somewhere that requires the need for heels...I don't know.  Where am I leading to?  Well, again with the realization that I can't be young forever and the fact that I have to grow up at some point and ALSO, I don't want to end up on "What NOT to wear," I should definitely start dressing like I didn't just walk out of the Twilight movie (by the way, I just saw it and it's as hilarious as you'd imagine).  
4. Good vs. Evil
   It's no mystery that Guilt is the driver in my life.  Guilt stolen my keys and taken control of my life, banished me to the back seat, child-locked the doors whilst I sit back, more car sick than I'll get out, and he drives me to do things that I otherwise, know in my mind, I should not do.  I buy gifts for people I don't like, out of guilt.  I talk to people I don't want to talk to, out of guilt.  I help people I don't want to help (and don't deserve help), out of guilt.  Are we seeing a pattern here?  So when I finally take hold of the wheel (still from the back seat) for a moment, I feel empowered (and carsick).  I carry on like I have control but guilt comes to and knocks me back - "nice try!" he says...guilt controls me.  When guilt controls me, I feel like a bad person.  I feel like I should be a church-goer but I literally have no time to rid the guilt from my life in prayer.  He skateboards and loiters - he pee's on my "no loitering" sign.  Bottom line is, I need to just be myself and try to not lose control of my life.  It's like an abusive relationship that I do not want to be in anymore.  It's just not that simple. We're going to have to end this thing violently (thank you Dane Cook for the eternal reference).
5. Money on my Mind
   So it's clear that the lottery is NOT being kind to me.  And the apocalypse, I mean, I can't COMPLETELY depend on it - I need some sort of backup plan in case it's a bust (and not in the good way).  I don't really like to think about the overwhelming debt that I have looming and waiting around the corner for when I come close enough for it to knock the the F down. The last time I thought about it, and I mean REALLY thought about it was when I reapplied to grad school.  I had a fantastic beginning of the year on my trip to Europe, scholarship aside, I still owe a truckload of money on my credit card and a generous family loan.  It always comes down to the last dime at the end of the semester.  I work, I cut some corners, I rarely grocery shop, I should be fine right!??! wrong.  projects in good ole' architecture school (if you're dedicated to making great models) can run you anywhere from $300-$1000 per semester.  crazy?!? no. necessary.  so I need to get my shit together.  I have a lot of necessary expenses and I have a lot of frivolous expenses and looming expenses that I need to grapple with.  Budget is annoying but a necessary evil.

Well there you have it.  The 5 major resolutions I've made for myself.  I don't want to go overboard and make more because many of these will be broken before they are started.  I know who I am and I know how I do.  Nevertheless, I have a written record that I tried...I also have a written record that I knew I'd fail - haha none of this is legally binding.