I am a Catholic born and raised. My family went to church religiously. We went to church every single Sunday (sometimes Saturday). Missing mass was a confession worthy offense. Holy Day of Obligation? Gotta go early to get a good seat. Random Tuesday? Let's go to church!
I vaguely remember being a young innocent little girl about age 5-ish, sitting in the back of the church with my parents and wondering why my siblings got to sit up front with other kids in uniforms. And then, I remember asking if I could also sit up front...a request I would soon regret. For to sit up front would mean I would have to begin attending Sunday School. My Sunday Schooling experience was not a typical experience. It was neither fun nor educational. Before you jump the gun and call me a heathen, let me explain myself. This, so called, Sunday School was every single Sunday for 3 hours directly following a 1 hour mass. I know what you're thinking; 3 hours isn't that long. You're right, it's not, what's 3 hours out of my week? But that's not what I'm complaining about. The kicker is, it was in another language; a language of which I could neither understand, speak, nor write. Problem, you say? Indeed it was. Bigger kicker, you ask? We were graded and failing was a definite possibility. I remember being in mass and singing the prayers but I never knew what I was really singing. I remember our year-end Recite-a-Prayer final exam, if you will. I cringed at the thought of them as I did any other exam. Now, because of my self-diagnosed Early-onset Alzheimer's disease, I cannot recall every detail of my life, this experience included. Everything in my life is a bit fuzzy. I can, however, recall a few key moments. With this said, I will say, without shame (because shit happens) that I failed at least once but I'm not sure when which meant I had to tack on another year of schooling. For 10 years I was stuck on the wrong side of the Great Wall of Language Barrier. And then, I can only assume, the church got smart and realized that not everyone understands and maybe that's why people are failing...So, before the start of my last year - The year I am due to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation - The English class makes its first appearance. *cue the sound of the heavens* Clearly a gift from god. Better late then never right? I was one of the lucky ones who "made the cut" and thus, I was placed into the class. Sadly, it was the only year that I had learned anything. I aced all of the tests AND was named valedictorian of the class. That's right, I'm going to brag about it. I ACED my confirmation class. And this would end my Sunday School experience.
Since then, I have moved (COUNTLESS times) and I am out of arms-reach of my father, who, in every sense of the word, is a religious man. I remember 2 years ago on Christmas eve when I became violently ill and was CLEARLY unable to go to mass on account of the vomit and what not. Instead of saying, "I hope you feel better. God will understand." My dad shakes his head in disapproval and says, "you better go to Church tomorrow!" "I love you too dad." Nonetheless, I have become what some might call, a Cheaster (second definition). I can't help but wonder if God looks down upon those who only go "because they have to." Seeing as how I was brought up to be a religious church-goer and I went to church more than 52 times a year for over 15 years of my life, I should technically feel guilty for not going...right? So how's come I don't? I mean, I do a little but just because I don't go to church every week and I rarely pray doesn't mean I don't believe in god. It doesn't mean I go to Satanic Worship rituals and I have denounced my faith. It just means I have made the conscious decision to not attend mass every Sunday. I look at it this way - when I DO actually go, I rarely listen, I'm antsy, and I just want to leave. What is the point of going if you're not going to listen? If, in fact, god is everywhere, then I must be in church right now. "Our father, who art in heaven..." Ok, my dad would not be happy if he heard me say that...
To sum up a long story going nowhere, I leave god with the following questions:
Have I been wait-listed to Hell State University?
Should I expect to see my acceptance letter in the mail any day now?
Is it too late for me?
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