Leisureville 101

Working at a retirement facility can have its perks. These being hilarious stories to share on your blog.

Leisureville 101 is an educational course on what it's like to grow older and how elderly get away with everything.

The 'elderlies', as the Hispanic restaurant manager calls them, create quite a bit of problems in the restaurant at the facility. When they're not fighting over which woman gets to sit with which man at dinner, men pass away first which means scary women to men ratios, they're falling asleep at the dinner table. Such is the case with 84 year old Harry, who unfortunately is slightly narcoleptic and tends to doze during his meal. Harry falls asleep at dinner, which wouldn't be so disastrous if he didn't slowly slide down in his chair and pull the entire tablecloth with flatware and table settings with him. By the time he hits the floor his dinner is all over him and the plates and glasses are all broken to bits.

As we move on to the nightly movie in the cinema we reach another dangerous situation. It seems there are too few seats available for this movie showing and the group of Jewish women self-titled as 'The Divas' are saving the last seat open for one of their own divas. Mr. Bernstein walks into the cinema unsuspecting and takes a seat in the last chair that unbeknownst to him is being saved. The Divas immediately scream at poor Mr. Bernstein to move, he rightfully declines to leave, this was a grave mistake. The Divas attack, one uses her cane to womp him on the head, the second Diva pulls on his arm to move, and the third Diva unhooks her dog's leash from his neck and begins to use it as a whip to rap him on his head. Mr. Bernstein moves out of The Diva's zone and retreats to a safe area. The Divas win again.

All of these stories come directly from the residents' actual events. You can't possibly make this stuff up. Every day I am amazed at how they can outdo each other with the wackiness that is aging and dementia. For example, it is not uncommon for a resident to call the local police in to take a theft report for a missing blouse and a missing pencil. Go ahead mull that over for a second...I'll wait. A blouse! And a pencil! That's it. May I add that 99% of the time they sent out the missing item of clothing for dry cleaning. So essentially they called the police to report a stolen pencil. The local police are so patient with us. I love them.

I sincerely hope that when I get older and dementia starts to set it. I wake up every day anew and enjoy my crazy wacky time instead of letting it get me down. More nutty stories to follow the blog would be 50 pages long if I documented all of their shenanigans in one posting.

Peace and dementia episodes...

E Bandit

Dearly Departed...

I lost my sunglasses...

Consider this my eulogy:

There's not much I can say about her.  She was there when I needed her, not there when I didn't.  She knew how to shield me from harmful UV rays.  She looked out for my eyes like they were her own.  I remember one day, I had gone canoeing with her.  We enjoyed the cool Summer air and the refreshing splash of the lukewarm river.  As we approached some rocky rapids, I knew the waters would be unkind.  As the canoe began to tip, I knew that if we both went under, only one of us would surface and that would not be her (she didn't know how to swim).  Knowing this, I grabbed her and as I went under, I held her high above my head.  She was safe; we were safe.

For a long time, that had been the only close call in my recollection.  The following years were uneventful but in the good sense; no near-death experiences were had.  And then...we went to Hilton Head.  This would be the second but the last time that she would see the ocean.  The warm Summer air, again, felt nice but required a dip in the warmer bath-like water of the ocean.  As the waves crashed against me, a flash decision was a regrettable one.  I decided to go UNDER the wave.  Unable to hold my breathe without plugging my nose (yes, I'm still 4), I plunged.  It took about 2 seconds for me to realize that she had fallen off of my head as I did not properly secure her. She had no floaties, no life vest, no noodle...just like that, she was gone.  I walked around aimlessly with the waves crashing up against me but the water was too foggy and the waves were too frequent.  She was gone forever.  Perhaps she washed up on the shore that night and found new owners or maybe a sea crab has welcomed her as his temporary shell.  Wherever she is, I hope she is happy and felt no pain...Whomever the owner, I hope that they treat her with the same respect as I did.  If she is buried beneath the sand forever, I hope that she enjoys her salty fate.  May she find Ol' Zuney and Rest in peace old friend.  Rest in peace.

Bandit Beginnings According to E Bandit

For chronological reasons, I had to push this back...but it's a fresh post.
Click the title of this post for more!

C Bandit takes ______

Welcome to the beginning of the "C Bandit takes Europe" series.

I wrote some of these while in Europe so let's jump in the time machine and find out what happened.

*****

It’s going to be hard to distill all of the events that have taken place over the last two months but I’m going to give it a try since I’m in the airport with no internet, no one to talk to and nothing to do.

Well thus far, I've only been to London, various parts of France and Switzerland.  My analysis will be slightly skewed because I spent the majority of my time in France; Paris to be exact.  here are some things I have observed in my brief time here:

• EVERYONE smokes.  Children who HAD to be about 14 were definitely smoking.  To compare it to something in the US, it's as normal as chewing gum.
• The French are people watchers and they don't try to hide it.  All of the chairs at restaurants face the street as opposed to your company.  If you're a pedestrian walking past, you're on stage.
• The BIG GULP would not be a big hit in France.  Their larges are the equivalent to the US kiddie size or just an ordinary small at best.  If you order a large, don't be surprised if you have to order several in order to quench your thirst.  And Americans wonder why we're obese... What do they think when they come to America for the first time and they stop at Speedway for a quick cafe and they are face-to-face with a 70oz. cup as the smallest size...  
• COKE is like a top shelf drink.  I hate Coke; never really liked it.  But it sounded good to me in the sweltering heat so I had to pick and choose when I should and should not get it.  To order a Coke at a restaurant can cost one anywhere from 2 Euro to 5 Euro.  With the current exchange rate, this equates to roughly $2.80 to $7.  You have to REALLY want it.
• There is a SHORTAGE OF DR PEPPER! This hurt - oh it hurt badly.  Europeans don't know what they're missing!  Well, I found some in Switzerland and you can bet I jumped on that! And then again in London. Oh sweet sweet Dr. Pepper, my life is so incomplete without you.
• Pee for free?  You've gone mad!  Americans don't know how good they have it.  You know when you're on a road trip and you stock up on soda and unhealthy snacks?  As a result, you have to also go to the restroom every few hours.  Imagine having to pay every single time you had to pee...not worth it!  Grant it, Europeans aren't big on cross country road trips (somewhat of an assumption) due to the fact that they have trains and cheap RyanAir at their disposal.  However, if you're walking the streets of Paris and you suddenly feel that you must use the restroom because of the $7 coke that you just drank, don't think that you can just walk into the nearest Tabac shop and make a tinkle without payin' for it.  I can't count how many times I had to use the restroom but in order to do that, I had to order a cafe.  Does that sound counterintuitive?  It is.  Gotta do what you gotta do though.
• Pee IN a toilet?  You're crazy.  There is the one thing that I will not soon forget.  When you imagine walking down the picturesque streets of Paris, you see the cobblestones, the family owned Patisserie, and the trend-setting citizens walking down the streets.  When you think of the smells, you think fresh pastries, doner kababs, and...whatever you think the French eat.  Let me just say that while these smells may actually exist in Paris, they are typically masked by the smell of fresh (and sometimes stale) Piss.  Does this surprise and disgust you?  I think disgust about covers it.  You might be thinking that this piss probably isn't as evident as I'm making it out to be and also that the pee is from the dogs and the bums.  You're partially correct but I really honestly think that the spread is EASILY 50% animal, 50% human (not exclusively bums).  I would say the favored location for the pissing would have to be stairs.  Maybe they like to watch the trail flow down the stairs like a slinky - I don't know?  But for whatever reason, that's where I found the smell was most pungent.  I think it's safe to say that the bums choose the Metra stops for their business.
• Cars are smaller too.  In a country drowning in SUV's, it's really weird to go to Countries where the average size of a car is the size of a Ford Focus hatchback.  The public transportation is seemingly much easier in Paris than driving so I saw several cars near my apartment that had never moved in the two months.  They actually had crap on, about, and around the vehicle from various animals and I'm guessing some human.  Their tires were at risk of deterioration from the weekly street cleaning.  Yes, as mentioned earlier, the excessive feces and urine in the streets make it necessary for Paris to flood the gutters with water on a weekly basis.  I don't actually think that it helped the situation much - I actually think it's a huge waste of water but it's a good effort on their part.  At least they're aware of it.
• The French ARE actually not that nice.  Their reputation holds true.  I mean, they didn't look at us with disgust and spit in our faces, but they didn't necessarily smile at you as you walked past either.  You know the courtesy smile you give strangers if your glances cross and you want to alleviate the awkwardness?  Yeah, if your glances cross in France, it's a stand off - usually the American has to break the glance because a smile won't cut it.  One night we went to a club/bar and as a reflex, if we have to ask/say something to a French native, we usually ask them if they speak English. "Parlez-vous anglais?"  Well, let's just say, the bouncer wasn't happy.  I don't know much French but what he said was very easy to translate: "Pffft!! Speak English? You are in France, you should speak French!"  After this little ordeal, I tried to put myself in his shoes - he's kind of right.  We expect people to learn English here so why is it any different.  I imagine how we sound to them when all we know is pointing at a menu and the words YES and COFFEE.  
• "Good evening sir, our specials are filet mignon with a side of sweet potato mash and mushroom and onion gravy.  Can I start you off with an appetizer?"
• [points at croissant] "and...COFFEE!!?"
• "..." 
• Food?  Not the best in France.  I never had anything that made me stop and say, "WOW, that was delicious!"  The best meal I had was in Marseille and that was likely because I ordered a fresh steak salad after ordering a nasty 5 euro street sub for 4 weeks straight and I actually felt like I got my money's worth. 
• Food PART II: I'm not a fan of raw meat.  I'm not really sure how you can eat something that's still bleeding.  When I order a hamburger and I say Medium Well, I expect a deader than dead piece of meat on my plate that is cooked to perfection and just short of being overcooked.  When I order a hamburger and I say Well Done (because I learned from experience in France) in France, they give me something that looks like a burger but I can assure you, they've just handed me a seared Hamburger tar tar.  When I took my first bite, the thing Moo'd at me and oozed with blood. VERY unappetizing and the root of why I think food ala the French...how do you say...SUCKS!
• Everything looked better at night.  We went to everything during the day for our class but we were told on most occasions that we should come back at night.  I didn't actually make it back to most things at night but when I did, they were definitely correct.  The Metra closed semi early and believe it or not, the streets are necessarily safe to walk at night, alone, as a girl.  Anyways, the Eiffel Tower is crazy cool at night; as is the Seine.  There's something about the greenish glow of the street lights that made things look cooler.

I could make many more observations but if I did that, this would never get posted cause I could add to it every day.  Like I said, most of these observations apply to France but I could extend the list if I added Italy...

until then,

C Bandit

I'm back bitches!

Did you miss me?  Thought so.

I think the last time I wrote something major was when I (re)started grad school.  That was over a year ago... OOPS!  People get busy! But in my case, I gets lazy!  I have actually written a substantial amount but, if you're like me, you enjoy the images that accompany these posts in order to keep you interested or at least slightly amused.  With that said, I have NOT been able to keep up with the cartooning portion of my posts.

I'm workin' on it!

I really have nothing that's PRESS Ready at the moment...

I can, however, leave you with this quick post that I'm going to write on the fly.

Let me introduce one of the many characters I go to school with.
Meet Luke.
Age: 24
Ht: 5'-2"
Wt: 103 lbs (wet)
Religion: Proudly Jewish
Marital Status: Single??
Residence: Currently Unknown
Transportation: Self-constructed bike
Personal Style: Owns (1) pair of tattered jean shorts,
          (2) bright Pink SPLASH t-shirts
          and (1) pair of black keds [each containing at least 2 holes]
Favorite Hobby: ULTIMATE Frisbee [this is his ACTUAL frisbee. I have to say this because you'll think I'm joking]

 Yes that says WOMEN'S.

This kid is something else...if he had to present his projects or talk to people with his hands tied behind his back, I am convinced that he might actually die.  He's a hand-talker but not in a useful way.  Usually when one uses their hands, they use it as an extension of expression in order to convey something deeper...or something to that effect.  This guy just flails his arms about.  There are several instances in which I was scared for the life of my eyes - I swear he was going to poke them out or at least scratch them.  Anyhow, I created a diagram of his arm motions after the Summer semester - it was unavoidable.  In order to decode his conversations, I had to document what they all meant. I apologize for not doctoring the photos as I have in the past.  All of my images start as a hand drawing and sometimes I go the distance and digitize them...not this time.  I currently have none of my tools at my disposal.  You're going to have to live with a photo.

Exhibit A: THE DIAGRAM

Exhibit B: THE MAN

                This image requires a slight backstory as I mentioned they would in a previous post.  So there's someone in my class who will remain nameless at the moment; he is a comical mastermind in my opinion.  He has admitted his partial insanity but his insanity is my cartoon GOLD.  He comes up with absurd and outlandish scenarios starring many of the people around us.  He filters these scenarios so I can only imagine the ones I have yet to hear.  To add to the humor of hearing said scenarios, he can actually pantomime and mimic these people.  As I thoroughly enjoy watching these performances, MY insanity kicks in and cartoons of these scenarios begin to form.  I like to sometimes take it further and add super specific details.  As the two doses of insanity converge, the byproduct is a C Bandit original cartoon.  Consider this backstory as a credit to the unnamed comical mastermind...let's call him CM so I don't have to keep typing that.

                Crap, I haven't introduced the picture.  So ok, keep that story in mind as I let you into the world of my "1st(ish) year of Grad School" cartoons.  Back to Luke.  CM's vision of Luke is that he's a performer.  If you met the guy, you could TOTALLY see that.  His first architectural presentation was a 10 minute story that had little to do with the project at hand...if that says anything. So this performer is not just any performer, he's a Shakespearian performer (my personal twist...I think).  He's whimsical and loves to wear the tights and the costumes and the makeup.  His out of control arm motions have undoubtedly helped him land a job in entertainment as the eccentric actor who puts his heart into every role.  Below, you will see him graciously bowing, with his animated gestures....and of course, a solitary rose in his mouth that his mother has just thrown upon stage.

And there you have it.  This is an introduction into my crazy and neverending life in grad school.  I've got a lot of catching up to do and I can't promise that I'll do it.  But I'll certainly try.

Signing off,
C Bandit

Neglect!

So...it goes without saying that this blog has been slightly neglected on account of other life-happenings.  Good news: I am going to ATTEMPT to blog while I'm studying abroad since communication is limited and I'll actually have some "free-time."
I have 2 semesters worth of crazy cartoon scenarios that may or may not become a publication at the end of the very long 3yrs.
Stay Tuned!
C Bandit

Resumes 101

As an H. R. Director I get a lot resumes, scratch that, a ton of resumes. So many resumes I don't have time to read them all. They come from e-mails, faxes, and snail mail. There are some gems in the bunch, some standout more than others for various reasons.

The example below is what was attached to a resume submitted to me for god knows what job opening. The applicant thought it was a good idea to submit an example of her collaging skills. Notice their keen cutting skills as well as attention to the pug's clothing that matches the backgorund. Granted I did get an enormous laugh out of it, however, I will never hire them because they appear emotionally unstable.

Another resume sent via e-mail to me was in essence a long rambling sentence with no punctuation informing me, in ebonics, that the applicant thinks she could help "all those people at the hospital". I'm unsure what hospital she meant. I am not hiring for any sort of hospital.

One cover letter was closed with, "Thank you for yur time, It's Never Too Late To Lose Weight". Which I thought was quite motivational but somewhat absent minded when composing a resume cover letter.

All in all, I recieve many creative resumes, some I want to schedule an interview just to meet these crazy people.

Thank you for your consideration,

Ebandit,

Enclosures

Sanka...you dead?

So...I've been a wee bit busy in Grad school boot-camp over the Summer which has taken every ounce of my free time.  I have much to write about: my classmates provide enough content for me to post for weeks.  I have to edit though - most things I would write would only make sense to a handful of people.  Also, some, or one in particular, might have access to this blog that I would really rather he didn't...The good news is, I have started a collection of comics/cartoons about school but again, they might not make any sense and will not be funny to those not involved so they might require some back stories.

Stay Tuned for the Adventures of Gradsville - Population: Yours Truly.

Let's discuss, shall we?

inspired by my hesitation to discuss in discussion class

Family Watchdog

Have you ever been on FamilyWatchdog?  If you haven't and you're going to, do yourself a favor and proceed with caution.  I remember the first time I heard about the website - I was living in good ol' Cincinnati and I decided to give it a shot.  The idea is great, you search for criminals in the area and you're in the know.  You read their offenses, you put a face to the name and it's committed to memory.  Well, have you ever heard of that saying, "what you know won't hurt you"?  There might be an ounce of truth in it.  This site can make you overly-paranoid.  Case-in-point, my excessive door locking.  While I'm not denying that it is better to know than to be naive, skipping around singing la-dee-da and pretend that life is one big Pleasantville, it can be a bit of a shock when you type in your address.  Go ahead, give it a go - I'll wait.

So now that that's out of the way and you're arranging new accommodations until you can move to a safer part of town (if there is one), I wanted to go ahead and share with you some of my previous cities of residence and amaze you with all the beautiful colors of crime.

Location: Thornton, CO 

Population: ~113,000

Diagnosis: Really not as bad as I would've thought.  On a scale of 1-10, I give it a 4 on the scary scale.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Location: Naperville, IL aka Pleasantville, America

Population: ~145,000

Diagnosis: Pretty much what you'd expect when you live in Pleasantville.  I give it a 1.5 out of 10.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 And then I moved to Cincy...

Location: Cincinnati, OH

Population: ~333,000

***Population of Criminals:  ~330,000 (personal estimation)

Diagnosis: Honestly?  You can barely read the town names/major highways.  Yeah I give it a 9.  Good God - it's the Criminal Headquarters...or so I thought...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 And then there was Chicago...

Location: Chicago, IL

Population: ~2.85 million

***Population of Criminals:  ~2.8 mil (personal estimation)

Diagnosis: Notice the wider variety of colors.  Cincy has a lot of green, though not excusable, it's a slightly lesser offense.  Red and Yellow are the big leagues.  They play for keeps.  I realize the population density has a lot to do with the amount and may be unfair in comparison to the other cities but still...I mean...come on.  That's undoubtedly an 11 or 12 out of 10.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Ann Arbor, here I come

Location: Ann Arbor, MI

Population: ~114,000

Diagnosis: It's like there was a criminal background check for every person to live here and only a few slipped through the cracks.  It's a huge relief but obviously no place is too safe so I'll give it a 1 out of 10 for safe measure.

Pretty astonishing I'd say.  FamilyWatchdog can either scared the living baJesus out of you or it can put your mind at ease.  Should you just use the normal deadbolt on the front door?  Or should you reinforce it with oh say, a chair or a spare mattress?  Should you jog around with just mace?  Or should you bring mace and Hank, your Doberman?  Do you want to know?  Or would you prefer to be surprised?  You decide.  Once you discover this website, you'll probably sit there for a good hour or so looking at criminals in your area and areas you know.  

Lift with your back

CHARLIE: are you lifting with your back!?

MAC: Of course I'm lifting with my back Charlie, okay? but I think your end is just lighter cause the balls have rolled down to this end

CHARLIE: nah you gotta snap your back up & lift...that's your problem

MAC: I'm jerking my back up! what do you want from me?!?

Ahhhh moving...I used to enjoy it...I used to enjoy being in new places...I used to enjoy organizing my things...but today?  Not so much.

I'm in the process of moving to Ann Arbor.  According to my calculations, this will be my third move of 2010.  Excessive?  Lil' bit. Am I going to move again this year you ask?  As a matter of fact, I'm scheduled for another move in August. Should I be used to the packing, the moving and the unpacking by now?  Why yes, yes I should.  Am I though?  Nnnnnope!

You would think that, after my latest lifetime count of...17 moves, working on 18, I would be an EXPERT in all-things-moving.  You would be wrong in thinking so.  Despite my multiple residences, storage rentals, and borrowed basement space, I have yet to figure out how to live lightly.  I still feel the need to hang on to the boombox that I haven't used since 2004, the heels that I bought for Easter Mass back in '03, and the box of Bic Pens I bought for Junior year of High School.  I guess I could be considered a borderline Hoarder...I can get rid of things, I just prefer not to if it has some use in it.  To get rid of a useful item would be down right wasteful.  I know what you're saying, "you should just sell it on CraigsList."  To this I answer, that's too much work.  And believe you, me, I have tried to sell two things on Craigslist and I did not enjoy the experience - it was hardly worth it.  All the emailing back and forth, the coordinating, the bargaining - I'd rather give it away to the Salvation Army.

 

Moving should be an enjoyable process.  Once you get over the hump of beginning to pack, you have a chance to purge the old and bring in the new.  Well, it's a good theory but how many times have you found a box of "stuff" and said to yourself, "I'll sort through it while I'm unpacking."  Yeah - who are you kidding, that box of "stuff" is going to follow you until you retire.  Your grandson will stumble on it many years later only to find a vintage Tamagotchi, a Mariah Carey Cassette tape, a 1998 recording of the Grammy's on VHS, and several started, but never finished knitting projects: scarves, purses, hats, you name it.  Jack. Pot.

When all is said and done; you have your boxes labeled, furniture broken down and everything readily accessible, you must now assemble a team of movers.  A group of moving veterans, if I may (and preferably someone with a truck).  You set the date, order a pizza and you're good to go.  I mean, who wouldn't accept a slice of pizza for hours of hard labor?!? 

So now you're nearly complete.  The boxes are in, the furniture is in, you're in the homestretch.  You begin to set up and realize you have...nothing.  You won't be able to eat on the first night because you realize you have no microwave and no pots and pans...[I'm speaking from very recent experience here].  So what now?  You have to go out  and purchase a butt-load of essentials and you end up spending a small fortune.  Fantastic!  You have everything you need to live off of.  Oh wait...now you need food! 

It's a never ending cycle.  I've been through it time and again (and again and again) and I cannot get the hang of it.  Each and every time I move, I learn something new:

Lesson the First:  I am the QUEEN of frivolous spending.  Bow before me.

#B.)  Ikea Furniture - One time assembly.  Trying to disassemble it?  Goooood Luck.

VIII.)  If I haven't used or worn something in the past 12 - 14 months, I should probably give it away (doesn't mean I have, I just think I should.)

9g.)  Just because it all fits in the box, it doesn't mean it SHOULD. 

Good luck to those of you moving this year - I would offer to help but, like my student loans, I'm nearing my maximum annual allotment.  

Where are you taking me WOMAN!?!

So, I am not ashamed to say that, without technology, I would be lost.  Literally & figuratively.  Without a phone, what would I do in the awkward moments where I have to wait in line at the mall?  Would I have to just stand there? Patiently? F that!  Without a computer, how could I shop?  Would I have to PHYSICALLY drive to the mall and search with my eyes to purchase things?  And walk around on my own two legs?  How would I know the balance of my bank account?  Would I have to balance a checkbook with a pen and a...what are those things called...calculating thingy?  Without my Zune, I would have to listen to the same 12 songs on the radio or worse, I would have to listen to nothing!  Without TV, I would have to read or do something even more boring like play a board game!  And most importantly, without my GPS, I would get lost every single time I got into the car - driver or otherwise. 

There was a time, not long ago, when I relied on printed directions from Mapquest.  Pfffft...I know - ancient!  Not long before that, I relied on hand written directions given verbally.  Those were simpler times but I've upgraded to a Garmin - Sophie Garmin, that is.  If ever there was a person who needed turn-by-turn directions, it's me.  I get lost going almost every time I get into a car.  If I don't have SPECIFIC directions there's a 25% chance of me taking a wrong turn.

Lately I've been noticing how dependent I've become on Sophie.  Sophie could LITERALLY take me anywhere and I wouldn't notice because I trust that she knows where she's taking me.  I live very close to Canada too so don't be surprised if I come back from a trip to the grocery store 4 hours later with a hockey jersey on and I start saying "aboot".  While I'm driving with Sophie, I often find myself asking, "where the hell am I?!?" "I thought I was supposed to go South, aren't we going North right now?" Much to my dismay, she never answers me, she just directs me.  Believe it or not, I still take wrong turns even though Sophie tells me what to do.  I'm just waiting for her to say, "No no no.  What are you doing?  I didn't say turn yet ya dipshiyat!" But instead, she's polite about it and simply says, "recalculating."  

As trustworthy as those things can be, sometimes it can't find the street you're looking for.  For example, over the weekend, I had to find a Hotel in the middle of nowhere.  I had been there once but with someone directing me.  So I decided to type in the address and let Sophie get me to where I was going.  Well she wasn't having it.  I tried to type in Moxie Lane and it would come back with Mox Road.  Similar but not correct...now what?  I ended up doing the work for her and searched for a business nearby - and I typed that in.  What would have happened if I couldn't do that?  I don't have an atlas in my car.  I don't have GPS on my phone...I would be forced to stop off at a local gas station and ask for directions.  No more turn by turn, no more "ETA" at the bottom of the screen...what a frightening thought.  It's like losing your calculator on a simple addition test - you could do it but you've gotten so used to using the calculator that you second guess yourself.

Sophie, you are my eyes on the road.  I'm not sure how I survived without you but know that I don't want to find out.  If only there were a Garmin for real-life decisions...

   

Mailbag

Let's take a moment to read a letter from our mailbag shall we?

Say wha?? We have a mailbag?

We do now.

boomerangbandits@gmail.com 

BOOM!

Dear Bandits,
Help me with this as I am not so familiar with this subject... But does our human constitution state that everyone shall marry, buy a house, adopt a dog or two and start saving for retirement and buying life insurance before the age of 25 or even before securing a full time job?
The reason I ask is this… Since graduating in 2008 I have attended 14 weddings, 6 bachelor parties, 24 house warming parties, 6 meet and greet my pet party and 22 engagement parties…
Now those numbers only reflect the direct invites, not including all the celebratory events that I attended with my ex-girlfriends… note I say ex because they are all engaged now.. yup my most recent break up was six month ago…”apparently I wasn’t serious…” now engaged… WTF
So I did a little investigation and started asking some questions….
This is one of many sad conversations…

Me: hey whatsup I heard you got engaged congratulations
Ex: yeah, im so excited (showing me the ring…)
Me: so wow, big step… how long have you known him
Ex: oh we met at taras wedding…
Me: Tara Tara, didn’t she get married in February
Ex: yeah, I thought she invited you
Me: yeah… I couldn’t make it… I was in Seattle…
Me: so tell me, what’s so special about this guy?
Ex: oh he is super sweet.. He’s a meat and potato kind of guy.. I don’t know.. He doesn’t like to party too much…and not really adventurous with new food..i miss Indian Thursdays (long Pause) you know his family is a lot like mine… parents are divorced and he hates his step dad.
Me: I see… you got any vacation time planned…
Ex: no not really, my hubby just moved into my apartment because his lease was up… he’s thinking about quitting his job since his company is closing anyway, so that will give us more time to hang out…
Me: ok.. That’s cool.. Well listen it’s been great seeing you. And good luck with the wedding plans and all. Keep me posted ok..

 Luckily I’m not a chick…otherwise I would be seriously overweight pending all the chocolate bars and sea salt vinegar flavored chips….
The more interesting part about all this is that I have also witnessed an alarming number of divorces this year. And let me add that the reasons for the divorce are pretty lame.. for example… case number 6 of 10…Location: local gym

Me: dude whatsup… how have you been
Dude: good man
Me: looks like you’ve been workin out!!!
Dude: yeah.. you know still can’t find a job so I got plenty of time to workout..
Me: so how’s the misses and the kids
Dude: awhh man I didn’t tell you….
Me: what?
Dude: we got a legal separation like a year ago. We just drifted apart… she was always busy at work and whenever we were together we were always fighting.
Me: what’s a legal separation?
Dude: it’s like a divorce but more for our financial assets…
Me: but you’re unemployed…
Dude: yeah that’s the thing.. I’m getting alimony from her because I can’t find a job.
Me: really?
Dude: yeah.. I get my daughter Tuesday nights. Because of school and all.
Me: so I know this is rude to ask but it’s me… how much alimony are we talking about?
Dude: I get like 2500 every month.
Me: wow, (trying to change the subject because I’m in utter shock) so you still driving that old truck
Dude: no I got a New Maxima.. You should come check it out.. I’m living in Hyde park..
Me: nice dude.. I like that area..
Dude: yeah it’s great my girlfriend loves all the little shops…
Me: ………

So in conclusion, what I’m trying to convey is that I’m completely lost and confused… if it’s so easy to walk-in-to and walk-out-of marriage. Why get married? So that you can say that you did it? How many marriages are successful? (I know they exist because I’ve seen them last 40-50 years) and the better question is how did they make it that long with all the bad influence we get from the web, tv and tabloids? Is it purely an accounting move? Or even better yet.. Why is everyone afraid of being single? As soon as someone is out of a relationship off they go with the whining about being single and how hard it is to find anyone… let me ask you this… if you can’t be content just living by yourself, how could you possibly fix that by bringing another person into the equation…

Signed,

Mr. Anonymous Reader

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Anonymous Reader,

First things first, both our Legal and Historical teams have informed us that nowhere in the constitution does it state

that everyone shall marry, buy a house, adopt a dog or two and start saving for retirement and buying life insurance before the age of 25 or even before securing a full time job? 

Secondly, we're almost certain that your counts are over exaggerated - if not a little, then a lot.

Thirdly, regarding the conversation with the ex:  bringing issues up and claiming that you don't care only solidifies the case that you do care.  To remedy the entire situation, we can only offer this simple, yet effective, piece of advice:

If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

Fourthly, we resent the comment:

Luckily I’m not a chick…otherwise I would be seriously overweight pending all the chocolate bars and sea salt vinegar flavored chips…. 

Ummm hi, excuse me - that's a grossly misinterpreted generalization brought about by means of the media with the cheesy Romantic Chick-Flicks.  We clearly eat Ben & Jerry's Rocky Road Ice Cream, put our hair in curlers, slap on a hideous tattered pink robe, curl up in front of the couch and watch The Notebook with a box of tissues handy.

Fifthly, if you're against engagements, marriages, parenthood, adult-like decisions and so on and so forth, then HOW can you also be against Divorce?  Alimony is ridiculous, I agree (unless I'm on the receiving end of it...)

We'll take a second to answer your long list of questions at the end.

Why get married?

Marriage is a sign of love, commitment and making babies - plain and simple.

So that you can say that you did it?

"Did" is past tense - most people don't go into marriage with the ultimate goal of getting divorced (unless you're trying to get citizenship or you're a gold-digger)

How many marriages are successful?

According to divorcerate.org, 40-50% of marriages end in divorce in the U.S. 

how did they make it that long with all the bad influence we get from the web, tv and tabloids?

Believe it or not, some people actually love each other and they really mean it when they say, "til death do us part."

Is it purely an accounting move?

Tax breaks for married couples are tempting but I highly doubt that this is the driving force behind marriages - with the exception of gold diggers and citizenship....diggers.

Or even better yet.. Why is everyone afraid of being single?

Because if movies have taught us anything, it's that the thought of dying alone is frightening.

Well, dear reader, I hope we put your mind at ease or at least scared you into trying to buy your citizenship.

Signed,

For the Love of Feria

Dear C Bandit,

This is my plea to you to stop your hair dye obsession. Yes, hair dye is cheap, but the reality is you do not need to spend your entire blogging savings on two boxes per month. Your hair and I plead with you to end this masquerade. No amount of boxes and plastic gloves will make your hair what you want it to be, whatever shade of wood that is.

The cheap dyes are the most tempting, you may contemplate how easy it would be to buy two boxes for the price of one higher quality brand. Don't fall victim to this ploy. You will continue to dye your hair every weekend until you use your savings, your hair is weakened, and your towels and pillow cases are all stained mahogany.

I've noticed your vocabulary expanding to include words such as roasted chestnut, toasted sesame, and even burnt teak. This was my first warning sign that the dye games have gone on too long.

The clerks at Rite Aid are worried about your habit ever since you started bringing in wood samples in for color matching. They even gave you false information to you when you coyly asked them, "What shade is your customer service desk called?" They didn't have the heart to tell you it was made out of plastic and no wood grain could be matched to it.

So please C bandit, put down the plastic gloves and tube of color protecting conditioner and take heed to this warning.

Rinse and Repeat,

E Bandit

Enter vomit [here]...

So here's a post that I never really finished...it's more of an unfinished thought than a complete post...I'm trying to make up for the lack of posts so I'm gonna give you every incomplete thought I can incompletely think of.

Pet Nicknames

Names that you give your partner/spouse/significant other.  Where do I start with this...I just don't like them.  To clarify, I don't mind the actual act of giving them a nickname, I mind it when it is used publicly, for the world to hear - whether we want to or not.  Posting things about your "schmoopy woopy" on FaceHook as a "personal message" is...how do I put this lightly...repulsive?  Like many of my other pet peeves, I'm not exactly sure why I dislike it, the simple fact is that I do.  I've compiled a list of nicknames and rated them on a scale of 1 to 10.  1 being the least annoying and therefore, ok to use and 10 being the most nauseating nickname ever.  If you should find yourself using these nicknames within earshot of another human being, better think twice and consider the company and take note if someone gags &/or throws up in their mouth (or on your shoe) - it might be me.

hun - 1 it's a normal nickname.  It kind of comes out involuntarily.

hunny - 2  again, normal.

babe - 5 is appropriate in some occasions.

sugar - 6 how sweet.

buttercup - 7 no thanks.

boo - 7 pretty irritating.

baby - 8 not in public.

baby doll - 8 not so cute.

hunny bunny - 8 sick.  If you call me this, I might have to kick you.

munchkin - 8 only cute for kids. 

cupcake - 8 again, only cute for kids.

baby cakes - 9 doesn't make any sense!

snookums - 9 gross.

sugar lips - 9 yuck.

pooh bear - 9 how do you say that without vomiting?

poopsy - 9 that's not even cute for a kid.

bubba - 10 not until recently did this nickname enter my radar and I gotta say...it's not cute unless it's in the privacy of your own home.  And even then, it's iffy.  Although, for kids, it's fine.

schmoopy - 10 why?

schmoopy woopy - 12 no.

I know this couple and they use one of the nicknames a lot.  I'm sure you can guess which one it is.  It's pretty deeee-sgusting.  They're the kind of couple that likes to flaunt their relationship.  I'm not sure if it's to mask the fact that their relationship is far less than perfect (I've heard things).  I guess that's fine - they're in love, we get it.  I really just kind of wish I never noticed their PDA because it probably wouldn't bug me as much if I didn't bring it to my own attention but I don't have a time machine.     

Dear Unsatisfied Customer

[In response to previous post below]

Snee Zee Allergy, Inc.

4637 Pollen Lane

Grassville, Oklahoma

May 21, 2010

K. Bandit

Unknown Address

Dear Unsatisfied Customer:

We are committed to making you, the consumer, feel as though you are our number one priority.  It is our job to invade your system and create runny noses, itchy eyes and nasal congestion.  Without our services, you might actually enjoy the Spring and Summer seasons and this is against everything we believe in; we simply cannot allow it.  

We are unclear as to how you slipped past our radar for 26 years, but we can assure you, we have our best and brightest looking into it.  Do not fret - we will make up for lost time.  And to show that we mean business, we'll throw in some sinus pressure for good measure!

We hope to keep your business as long as possible.  As our dedicated staff works day and night to make sure you're as uncomfortable as you can possibly be, please help yourself to free samples of conjunctivitis [limit 2 per customer].

 Sincerly,

Team Allergene

Bringing you allergies since the dawn of time.

Dear Mr. Allergy

Ding Ding

FIGHT!

So the time is drawing closer.  I'm about to embark on another attempt at getting my Master's degree...  This aint no joke folks;  I'm for the reals gonna do it.  Now, whether I finish or not is as yet to be determined.

It seems as though grad school aint all bananas and dancing as one would be led to believe. [Quote is Trademarked and property of Boomerang Bandits.  It is not to be used by any persons not affiliated with the Boomerang Bandits Brand.]

If you're thinking about continuing your education, be S-M-R-T about it and consider your options.  Learn from my mistakes...

If you're burnt out from 4 (or 5) years of undergraduate...probably isn't a great idea to dive right into another 1 - 3 more years of school (depending on the intensity of your degree/program).  It'll drain your already dead battery beyond repair.

Do your research good and hard before considering what school you want.  Spare no expense!  You could end up in Clown University where you're taught by baboons and you're surrounded by No Talent Ass Clowns.  Witness the drawing below which I actually drew IN class WHILST surrounded by clowns as Professor Bananas attempted to explain various species of wood -- quite enthusiastically, I might add.

Any way you slice it, it's going to cost a fortune to become a "master" in your field.  Either find a company willing to foot the bill with you OR find the most expensive program you can find and take out the max student loans as possible.  SIMPLE LOGIC!  If you're going to go, might as well go for the best right?!? right? Ok so maybe it's faulty logic... When you're thinking about paying for school, paying for everything else never really enters your mind.  All you're concerned about is the Tuition.  But here comes Mr. Other Expenses waiting just around the corner ready to kick you square in the taco just as soon as you, yourself, have rounded said corner.  Oh Mr. M.O.E... I do hate you so.

Be for DAMN sure it is something you want to do before you go.  Because at the end of the day, when you're 46 years old and you've paid off only 40% of your student loans, if you're not doing what you've set out to do...you've just bought a house without actually buying a house.  I guess if this is the case, I'm the proud owner of a modest-sized fixer-upper and I'm lookin' to upgrade. 

There's a wee bit of positive in all of this though.  You not only walk away with a paper declaring your Mastery, you walk away with the shear satisfaction that you've completed (in my case) 23 YEARS of schooling.  All the projects, all the papers, all the sleepless nights, gallons upon gallons of soda and truck loads of Little Debbie snack cakes which you have convinced yourself is an honest meal - they have all lead to one moment of achievement.   You can take that tassle, show it who's boss and bring it on over to the other side with pride.  This is all good and well until you realize your loan statements are stalking you - ready to pounce once you think you're in the clear.  Not to worry though, I just read the Rules/Guidelines of mine and found out the following:

"Any debt not paid off after 25 years is forgiven"

Hells yeah!  You know what my first purchase will be if my student loans are forgiven?  A freakin' yacht!  A 50-ft, 3-story, gold-plated, diamond-encrusted yacht!

Of course, everyone's in a different situation - I can only speak from my experiences and what I have recently convinced myself as the only way to do it.  Aint no turnin' back.  I've made several deposits and several visits.  I even made it official and listed it on FaceHook...once it's on FH, it's for real.

I'm hoping I'll come up with great material in the years to come and I'll have this blog to share/vent.  My first round of grad school wasn't exactly a pleasant experience.  If we're speaking in Mortal Kombat fighting terms, as I'm pretty sure we have been, it was a K.O - Mortal Fatality.  It was a dazed-out spinning with birdies flying around my head, teeth on the floor, haven't even made a swing, KNOCK OUT.

 

AMAZING graphics!  I know!

I've always been good at repressing my memories and my brain, as backed up as it can get, is in the process of repressing round 1.  It was an all-around horrible experience for me.  Bad timing.  Bad Professors.  Bad Location.  Bad weather.  Bad company (with the exception of a few). Bad Financial Aid Advisor.   Bad program.  Baaaaad Baaaaad Baaaad 1st Semester Bill. Just...bad.

On that note, stay tuned for my adventures!  I'm sure there will be plenty to bitch about.

A Word from K Bandit

After our long, (unannounced) break, the Boomerang Bandits return with a word from our sponsor: the K Bandit.

The Brits

I have turned to the BBC since I have apparently exhausted my American TV options.  Pretty sad I know…  These shows are brass, honest and very sarcastic.  I have found a new love.  My favorite is the teen drama Skins.  I am also thoroughly enjoying Extras (with the Hilarious Ricky Gervais) and Doctor Who (A Sy Fy show that is made in the true SyFy fashion – with a great story lines, outrageous characters, and silly special effects).  From this exploration into this new entertainment venue, I have come to a very important conclusion.  The Brits have a much cooler vocabulary than we do.

My Favorites…

1.       Wanker – Why oh why do we not use this word in America.  It’s great!  You get to express the fact that this person is being a douche without sounding brass, using a body image (which us Americans so often turn to) or ignorant/offensive.

2.       Shag – I love how it rolls off of your tongue so nonchalantly and it is such a better way to express that action that they f-word.

3.       Splif – Just sounds better that joint.

4.       Flat – When you hear this word you automatically picture some cool studio loft in some awesome urban area.  What word do we use in its place: apartment.  The imagery that arises from this word is just not the same.

5.       Mate – “Me and by best mate are going out for some pints”.. Much cooler than “My friends and I are going out for some beers”.  No other explanation needed.

6.       Arse, Bum, Brilliant, Dodgy, Fancy, & Blimey  – Much more sophisticated  than our American Counter parts

7.       Bloody – This is a great accent word that the Brits tag onto anything to add a little umfff to their cursing or excitement.  Bloody Hell – freaking awesome.. I would love to use this but as an American without the cool accent I would probably sound silly.

Thank you youtube and BBC America (although sadly you edit it more than in the UK) for bringing these wonderful shows into my life.   

Signed,

TV, where are you!?!?

They say that ridding television from your life is supposed to be liberating...I say life without tv is not a life worth living.  Drastic?  Maybe.  I've been without tv for aboot 6 days and I'm literally going out of my mind.  What is there to do when you can't watch tv you ask?  Well since I haven't got a life, um...that'd be zilch.  Sure I could be a productive and contributing member of society, but where's the fun in that?  I want to be on my couch channel surfing until the sun comes up.  I want to know what the secret ingredient is on Iron Chef.  I want to watch half-wits try to answer "common knowledge" questions in the Cash Cab.  But how can I do this if I can't get no reception? 

I thank the big man upstairs for granting me with internet access because otherwise...who knows.  I've found a way to watch most of my shows online for free...I mean...I pay?  Anyways, the drawback is that I have to wait until the next day (or several hours later -ahhh agony!) to catch my shows.  Tonight is Thursday though and I'm sad that I won't be able to watch the lineup until tomorrow...why God? WHY?

Don't fret all, I'll live.  Those movie machines outside the grocery store are a God-send.  Over the past few days, I've watched Up in the Air, The Invention of Lying, 500 Days of Summer and Alice in Wonderland.  I suppose it's better than being completely cut off from technology but it's not as great as FRIENDS and Seinfeld repeats.  It's a bit of a stick in my spoke though because I've gotten used to watching (and falling asleep to) Roseanne and Buffy in the wee hours of the morning.  What's better than waking up in the middle of the night to Buffy's witty banter as she's kicking vampire ass?  Nothing.

Hilarious.  I miss that show...

I think we get our cable back tomorrow - life will resume as per usual.  In the meantime, I guess I'll have to settle for free Hulu shows with commercials - blah!  

And another pointless short post from C Bandit.

You're welcome.

21...20...19...18...

So, I haven't exactly been writing as often as I should but I'm almost positive that people read this blog about as often as there are posts (hint: rarely).  I'll keep this one short and simple - it's more or less a "status update" for FaceHook but since I can't go on there just yet, I'm doing it via this blog. 

 

Ahhhh!!! Lent officially ends on April 3rd.  April 3rd is officially 22 minutes away...  I only broke one of the three things that I gave up and that was purely accidental.

I have not had a drop of pop, nor have I been on Facehook for 44 days and counting.  Remember when I said that Lent was 40 days?  Yeah well, as I lost count of the days, I noticed my nifty counter has exceeded 40 days.  Guess what, they don't count Sundays.  BOOM!  And now you know.  I have to be honest though, I haven't missed FaceHook at all.  I'm going to check it tomorrow for good measure but I'll probably not check it as often. 

Candy and pop, on the other hand, I have missed dearly.  There are substitutes for candy like fruit snacks (some people consider that cheating but if you don't buy it from the candy aisle, I don't consider it cheating - "aint nothin' like the real thang baby") but there are no substitutes for pop.

Things to do tomorrow:

• Chug a 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper
• Purchase bags of Easter Candy and pretend they're for my children and their last-minute Easter Baskets.
• Makeout with FaceHook but tell him that it doesn't mean we're back together and I think we should just be distant acquaintances.

Check and Check!