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boomerangbandits@gmail.com 

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Dear Bandits,
Help me with this as I am not so familiar with this subject... But does our human constitution state that everyone shall marry, buy a house, adopt a dog or two and start saving for retirement and buying life insurance before the age of 25 or even before securing a full time job?
The reason I ask is this… Since graduating in 2008 I have attended 14 weddings, 6 bachelor parties, 24 house warming parties, 6 meet and greet my pet party and 22 engagement parties…
Now those numbers only reflect the direct invites, not including all the celebratory events that I attended with my ex-girlfriends… note I say ex because they are all engaged now.. yup my most recent break up was six month ago…”apparently I wasn’t serious…” now engaged… WTF
So I did a little investigation and started asking some questions….
This is one of many sad conversations…

Me: hey whatsup I heard you got engaged congratulations
Ex: yeah, im so excited (showing me the ring…)
Me: so wow, big step… how long have you known him
Ex: oh we met at taras wedding…
Me: Tara Tara, didn’t she get married in February
Ex: yeah, I thought she invited you
Me: yeah… I couldn’t make it… I was in Seattle…
Me: so tell me, what’s so special about this guy?
Ex: oh he is super sweet.. He’s a meat and potato kind of guy.. I don’t know.. He doesn’t like to party too much…and not really adventurous with new food..i miss Indian Thursdays (long Pause) you know his family is a lot like mine… parents are divorced and he hates his step dad.
Me: I see… you got any vacation time planned…
Ex: no not really, my hubby just moved into my apartment because his lease was up… he’s thinking about quitting his job since his company is closing anyway, so that will give us more time to hang out…
Me: ok.. That’s cool.. Well listen it’s been great seeing you. And good luck with the wedding plans and all. Keep me posted ok..

 Luckily I’m not a chick…otherwise I would be seriously overweight pending all the chocolate bars and sea salt vinegar flavored chips….
The more interesting part about all this is that I have also witnessed an alarming number of divorces this year. And let me add that the reasons for the divorce are pretty lame.. for example… case number 6 of 10…Location: local gym

Me: dude whatsup… how have you been
Dude: good man
Me: looks like you’ve been workin out!!!
Dude: yeah.. you know still can’t find a job so I got plenty of time to workout..
Me: so how’s the misses and the kids
Dude: awhh man I didn’t tell you….
Me: what?
Dude: we got a legal separation like a year ago. We just drifted apart… she was always busy at work and whenever we were together we were always fighting.
Me: what’s a legal separation?
Dude: it’s like a divorce but more for our financial assets…
Me: but you’re unemployed…
Dude: yeah that’s the thing.. I’m getting alimony from her because I can’t find a job.
Me: really?
Dude: yeah.. I get my daughter Tuesday nights. Because of school and all.
Me: so I know this is rude to ask but it’s me… how much alimony are we talking about?
Dude: I get like 2500 every month.
Me: wow, (trying to change the subject because I’m in utter shock) so you still driving that old truck
Dude: no I got a New Maxima.. You should come check it out.. I’m living in Hyde park..
Me: nice dude.. I like that area..
Dude: yeah it’s great my girlfriend loves all the little shops…
Me: ………

So in conclusion, what I’m trying to convey is that I’m completely lost and confused… if it’s so easy to walk-in-to and walk-out-of marriage. Why get married? So that you can say that you did it? How many marriages are successful? (I know they exist because I’ve seen them last 40-50 years) and the better question is how did they make it that long with all the bad influence we get from the web, tv and tabloids? Is it purely an accounting move? Or even better yet.. Why is everyone afraid of being single? As soon as someone is out of a relationship off they go with the whining about being single and how hard it is to find anyone… let me ask you this… if you can’t be content just living by yourself, how could you possibly fix that by bringing another person into the equation…

Signed,

Mr. Anonymous Reader

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Dear Mr. Anonymous Reader,

First things first, both our Legal and Historical teams have informed us that nowhere in the constitution does it state

that everyone shall marry, buy a house, adopt a dog or two and start saving for retirement and buying life insurance before the age of 25 or even before securing a full time job? 

Secondly, we're almost certain that your counts are over exaggerated - if not a little, then a lot.

Thirdly, regarding the conversation with the ex:  bringing issues up and claiming that you don't care only solidifies the case that you do care.  To remedy the entire situation, we can only offer this simple, yet effective, piece of advice:

If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

Fourthly, we resent the comment:

Luckily I’m not a chick…otherwise I would be seriously overweight pending all the chocolate bars and sea salt vinegar flavored chips…. 

Ummm hi, excuse me - that's a grossly misinterpreted generalization brought about by means of the media with the cheesy Romantic Chick-Flicks.  We clearly eat Ben & Jerry's Rocky Road Ice Cream, put our hair in curlers, slap on a hideous tattered pink robe, curl up in front of the couch and watch The Notebook with a box of tissues handy.

Fifthly, if you're against engagements, marriages, parenthood, adult-like decisions and so on and so forth, then HOW can you also be against Divorce?  Alimony is ridiculous, I agree (unless I'm on the receiving end of it...)

We'll take a second to answer your long list of questions at the end.

Why get married?

Marriage is a sign of love, commitment and making babies - plain and simple.

So that you can say that you did it?

"Did" is past tense - most people don't go into marriage with the ultimate goal of getting divorced (unless you're trying to get citizenship or you're a gold-digger)

How many marriages are successful?

According to divorcerate.org, 40-50% of marriages end in divorce in the U.S. 

how did they make it that long with all the bad influence we get from the web, tv and tabloids?

Believe it or not, some people actually love each other and they really mean it when they say, "til death do us part."

Is it purely an accounting move?

Tax breaks for married couples are tempting but I highly doubt that this is the driving force behind marriages - with the exception of gold diggers and citizenship....diggers.

Or even better yet.. Why is everyone afraid of being single?

Because if movies have taught us anything, it's that the thought of dying alone is frightening.

Well, dear reader, I hope we put your mind at ease or at least scared you into trying to buy your citizenship.

Signed,