Do You Have What It Takes to Be My Kitty's Sitter?

As I wait patiently for the prospective pet sitter to arrive I realize I need to devise a set of questions to flesh out the amateurs. Such as this portly woman depicted below.

Lindy, the name of the prospect, sounded somewhat vacant on the phone yesterday and I feel like she may not be able to handle the kitty that is part raccoon, part dog, and part crazy cat.

Questions for Lindy:

1.) Do you have any chemical drug dependency issues? If no, proceed to question 2.

2.) Have you ever been charged with molesting kitties?

3.) Will you let him eat junk food late at night?

4.) Do you know feline CPR?

5.) Are you fluent in feline-ish?

6.) How do you respond to public cat tantrums?


I spat out these questions to Lindy, she responded correctly (75%) and passed the test.

She gets a Solid C
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Next, it was time for Stretch's questions. I don't know what he asked her as they went into another room. He likes his privacy like that. After they returned from their private interrogation session Stretch gave a overwhelming meow and the deal was made Lindy will be his pet sitter.

That night Stretch scrawled out his own set of rules and I collaborated. They are as follows:

• No cats cuter than Stretch in the house.

• Stretch is allowed to make any night a Blockbuster night.
• You are not to disturb me during my shows; I must be fully alert when the Kardash' Klan decide they need a house cat; Brotha's gotta work.
• Clifford is to be banned from the DVR - I never liked that red freak of nature.

• Catnip is legal in the U.S., use generously.

• Meow Mix is to be given at 4pm exactly for dinner. (Stretch asks for it by name)
• Organic whole milk is to be served at dinner as well; I'm a growing boy.

• For the remainder of the day, I only drink Lauquen Artisan Mineral Water tempered to 34 degrees - anything above or below is unacceptable.

• Lavender scented Plug-in near my litter box is to be replaced every 30 days as instructed by Glade.

• New spools of Vicuna Yarn will be waiting for me after my cat naps.

• No lasers will be pointed in my presence - that's trickery and child's play; I will not have it.
• I require a nightly ear scratching before bed- no questions asked.
• When you call me, don't expect me to come running - I answer to no one.